Tuesday, April 05, 2005


One of the biggest lessons I've struggled with lately is perfectionism. While its easy to say that, hey, nobody's perfect, its much harder to put into practice. I know that I hold myself to much higher standards than I do anyone else. In doing that, I end up spending a lot more time trying to be perfect instead of allowing myself to be real. Over the past few years I've worked really hard on trying to be more genuine and open and stop judging myself and others. Having always been my worst critic, its been a fight. Most of the time, I think I've done a pretty good job. In the area of romance, however, I've had a much harder time with it.

When it comes to romance, I basically look for a strong connection with someone -- one of my favorite songs by Peter Stuart describes it as having someone "see the light behind my eyes." I know love at first sight sounds like a cheezy Hollywood cliche but I've had it happen before. At the same time, these sorts of encounters have always been the most difficult for me because they are never easy. I've always wanted to meet my soulmate and spend the rest of our lives together. The reality is that such a relationship is not a simple one. I think you have to be ready for it for it to finally pop into your life.

Recently, the guys I would be interested in are unavailable -- they live in other cities, they work all the time and won't make time for me, are in a relationship... and the guy who currently has a hold on my heart happens to be the perfect blend of the three. Ultimately, I think part of this stems from the need to have things to be perfect for a relationship to start, and they never are. But when it comes down to it, things will never be perfect because I'm not perfect. Of course, I've never wanted the "perfect" man, I've just wanted an equal -- and the problem with that is that it means I get the same fears, insecurities and tendencies to run when someone actually sees me for who I am. In the end, I'm thankful for those experiences, but its a real bitch to go through sometimes.


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