Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Happy Ending

Some days start out well and then some just start off like a big steaming pile of shit. Today was one of the latter. I talked to a friend of mine (someone who I've felt like we share a certain potential together... even though right now we're just friends) who is about to embark on a big overseas trip for work. I've mentioned him briefly before -- I prefer to keep my relationships out of the blog for the most part. Long story short, he's someone that means a lot to me and someone I've constantly wished I was able to get closer to. This upcoming trip wasn't a surprise but what I hadn't realized was that he's going to be gone for the better part of the next three months. Its not even that we've spent all that much time together recently but the knowledge that he's going to be gone for most of the rest of the year really felt like I had been physically hit in the stomach. I've really been wanting to be genuinely happy for him because I know this is something he's really been looking forward to. At the same time I hadn't been able to get past the realization that he's going to be gone for a long while and even when he gets back, there's the real possibility that his next job could move him away from Phoenix. For most of the day its weighed like a stone in my heart.

This evening I went to the first meeting of a book club being started by some gay acquaintences of mine. I've known them casually for years but was pleased that they had invited me. We had all met on the club scene here several years ago but most of us have drifted away from that -- even my last year as a DJ I consider to be very different from the way things used to be. We chose our first book and set our next meeting, along with dinner and wine. As I drove home, I realized that I felt markedly better than when I had arrived. It made me realize how much I've needed this sort of reconnection with old acquaintences, nurturing new friendships, etc. I think I've known that for a while, but this has been one of the big steps I've needed in the right direction. In fact, I've felt like this has been one of the major things that's held me back in feeling comfortable with my relationship with the friend I talked about earlier... that I've been missing things in my life that I knew weren't reasonable to expect from my friend at this point, which ended up making me want to withdraw from him in order to sort things out. I don't second guess that tendency, as I think I did the right thing, but its brought things into focus -- that while I know I'm going to miss him when he's gone, this trip gives me the space I need to really start putting the missing pieces of my life back together so that I can be happy, regardless of what happens with my friend. I know I've struggled to see the possibilites in my life as opposed to getting overwhelmed by the uncertainty that's surrounded me for a while. For the first time in a while I feel like those possibilities seem a little more clear, my hopes are starting to emerge. And I guess that's a pretty damn good way to finish a day that started off looking like shit.


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