Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Green Eyed Monster

Its been described as a green-eyed monster -- jealousy. I've had it crop up a few times recently, I have to admit -- it hasn't been limited to any particular thing: a friend gets a big break in his career that I wish I had gotten... two cousins both announce they are recently engaged... its the sort of thing where I'm happy for them but deep down I can hear the whispers in the back of my mind, I can feel the knot in the pit of my stomach. "Why not me?"

Yes, I know these are the sorts of things that nice people aren't supposed to feel, right? If there's anything I know, its how to play the part of the nice guy. That's not to take anything away from your basic goodness, but I'd like to think that I've moved beyond the two dimensional niceness and am willing to allow myself to be a real person. I know its hard to get a sense of someone's life just from a blog, especially because I've chosen to leave out giant chunks of what happens in my life. The short of it is that in my own estimation, the last several years have been a struggle. Its not that I'd go back and change them -- I've grown a lot and I can appreciate all that's occurred, but for the love of all things holy, just how much do you really need to struggle in one lifetime?

I guess my point is this: now that I stop and look back, I can see how much time and energy I wasted looking around wondering, "Why isn't this working?" or "Why do I keep getting these crappy jobs?" and the big one -- "Why won't he call?"

I've come up with a lot of answers... though they're really excuses: "Its just not time yet," or "They're looking for someone with more experience" and "He's just really busy." Those have all been about as satisfying as eating a slice of white bread -- like biting into air. I guess that's why its only left me to spend even more time wresting, trying to find something with some more substance.

The Universe has a way of showing you your own reflection -- you can lie to yourself, you can lie to other people, but the truth always come back to you. In this case, its been roadblock after roadblock, where things have felt significantly LESS than the sum of their parts.

The real answer I've been searching for is remarkably simple -- Why? Because I've never really believed that I deserved for things to work out. That's been the gnawing little bugger that's been living inside me for as long as I remember. For so many years its been easier to believe that the Universe had somehow conspired against me than to finally admit that I've really never given myself a fair shake. Truth be told, its remarkable for me to realize how much I've accomplished while tying my own hand behind my back.

Anyway, I guess the whole point of this is that while I think I've always known what was going on, despite my best attempts to believe otherwise, this is the first time I've ever really KNOWN. I guess the only way I can describe it is being able to really feel the truth of it for the first time. While I suppose I could bitch about all the time I've wasted, in truth it feels more like a lock that's finally clicked open. Here's hoping that I really am ready to let it all go and finally move to where I belong.



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