I Wish I Knew...

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free...

Over at Rick's blog, he's talking about the many reasons he's not able to be himself in his day to day life. I won't elaborate because it's not my story to tell, but it's something I can definitely to which I can relate. I commented on his last entry with a question: What would it be like to be free? I've been asking myself that question a lot these days... but compared to the many moments I automatically conclude that it's just not possible, I don't ask that question nearly enough.

I wish I could break all the chains holding me...

Once upon a time I perhaps I believed that it was just about my sexuality -- I've known since a very early age and it was hard for me to deal with such a profound feeling of difference, that on a fundamental level I wasn't who I was told I was supposed to be. Of course I think it always went deeper than that. It was hard for me to walk into Kindergarten as one of the youngest students there and feel like, "Wait, I already get this and the people around me don't... something's not right here." Not sure how I came to the conclusion that if I could just try hard enough, be perfect enough, smart enough, maybe I could overcome the "different" part and earn the love I've always wanted.

I wish I could say all the things that I should say,
say 'em loud, say 'em clear for the whole world to hear.

But as the years roll on, it's become painfully clear that I'm not perfect. No matter how hard I've tried, it's never been enough. Somewhere along the line I went from, "How come I get this when the people around me don't?" to "Why don't things work for me? What am I missing?" Can't be that I haven't jumped through the right hoops... because I have. Can't be that I'm not willing to work hard... because I am.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart...

There've been so many people in my life whom I respect and love for so many reasons. Whether it's men or women, romantic or not... Maybe it's life as a Scorpio, but sometimes it's hard to explain what exactly what that means. At one point or another, I think I described myself as "loving fiercely." There are people I've encountered that I love with a depth I cannot possibly explain. But it's more than just being "in love" and romantic squooshiness. I've always wanted to be able to find that beautiful place, that love and joy and express it to the world. At my best, that's what I aspire to in my music.

Remove all the bars that keep us apart...

And yet, aside from family, it seems that the people I've loved the most have been the ones with whom I've been least able to express myself. Wherever my passion has been the strongest, so too has been my fear. The greater the love, the stronger the chains. For the past few years, it seems, my only solution is just not to love. In that, all that's left is disappointment, criticism, judgment and doubt. For too long it seems like arms' length is the closest I can come.

I wish you could know what it means to be me...

But that's not what's in my heart; it's never been who I really am. My voice has always been meant to be a voice of joy, of love, of celebration. Often times I seem to see things others don't -- I suppose I've wondered if maybe that's what has scared off some of those with whom I've longed to be close. Again, maybe it's just the Scorpio stereotype. Usually, what I've seen isn't something to be feared or despised. Rather, usually I see people trying to be strong even when they're scared, when they're doing the best they can. Sometimes it's where someone lets me catch them being themselves when they think other people aren't watching. Once in a while, it's someone sharing things they've not shared with someone else. Often, it's that the vulnerability, awkwardness and imperfection we try to hide is what makes us most beautiful.

then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

Bloom

One of the things I've been noticing lately, as spring turns to summer in Phoenix, is the desert plants in bloom. When you hear the word "desert," generally the idea of some dry, barren wasteland comes to mind... even to me. Life has evolved some pretty prickly defenses in order to survive in a place where water is scarce. Even with all the spines and thorns, even the sharpest of these still ends up blooming -- I guess that's what's really spoken to me -- the juxtaposition of all the thorns and needles to keep things away and the flowers designed to draw things in.


I guess that in some ways I see myself as one of those cacti -- having spent a lot of my life developing defenses to keep people at bay... and at times, forgetting that I was still designed bloom. These days I'm working on having more flower, less thorn.

Trees

As soon as I felt like I started picking up some momentum, like I was getting a handle on things... WHAM! Like driving straight into a tree. Not a fun experience by any means, even less so when it seems like I've hit the same damn tree more times than I can count. I'm tired of feeling like my life is like Groundhog Day.

So this morning essentially began the way the night ended -- seething with resentment; weighed down with disappointment. In the past, it's taken few days in that mode before things finally cool down. I decided, however, that this time I wasn't going to be satisfied with spending another day stewing in my own bitterness. I decided that I was going to find a way to work my way out of this.

A couple of hours after I got up, my Dad asked me to help him with some work he was doing in the yard. If there's one thing I despise, it's yard work. That said, I've really been trying to quit bitching about those sorts of things and just get them done. Not that I enjoy it, but it's made things run a little more smoothly.

Anyway, after I pushed aside my normal annoyance at such things, I went to see what he wanted. There's a dead tree in the yard -- my grandfather, Tony, gave it to my parents shortly before he died -- shortly after I was born. It died last year, right after my Uncle, Tony Jr., passed. My Dad decided that today would be the day that we pulled that sucker out of the ground.

As soon as I heard what was going on, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Like I said earlier, it's the Universe speaks to me in metaphor. I've been working to uproot that dead fucking tree I keep running into and the Universe decided it was time to give me a few pointers.

One of the things I learned is that while the tree seems unmovable to begin with, you've got to dig a little and get at the roots. Once you can chop some of them, the tree starts to give way. You push at it and it's easy to tell which roots you need still to get. A little more hacking and then it finally collapses. Maybe that's obvious, but something about going through the physical process of actually uprooting a tree made things much more clear.

I've done a lot of work already, now I'm ready to do a little digging. That fucker's coming down.

A Nice Bowl of Puttanesca

One of the things I've learned over the years is that the Universe speaks to me in metaphor -- that is, I've come to believe that certain aspects of events going on around me are a mirror for internal things going on in my life. It's like watching other people act out the stuff that's going on in my head.

I finished my latest CD a few days ago. I've really been trying to focus on myself and rediscover the joy in my life -- I really do love so much of what's going on in my life right now, though it's sometimes I lose track of it. Anyway, I've felt like this latest CD is really reflects the core of what I'm trying to learn -- to relax and enjoy myself and find the things in my life to feel good about, instead of worrying about how to "fix" things. I really do believe that that's the freedom I've been looking for: the ability to enjoy life as it is and to trust it to unfold as it should. I've been working to reach that point that Mary J. Blige talks about -- "I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine." I've felt like coming to really live that on a deep level is the missing piece I've always needed.

Alex emailed me after listening to the new disc, commenting that he thinks that it's the best he's heard from me and that he can tell that I've really been in a good space. On balance I've felt like things are coming together, like I'm on the brink of the things I've been asking for to finally come into place. So, when Notre Dame's hockey team made it to the championship game, I felt like it was a nudge from the Universe telling me that I'm definitely on the right track and that I'm almost there. There have been other things going on that make it clear that my life is going to change soon, one way or the other. So, the past couple of days for me have been about wondering whether I'm ready to take that step forward, whatever that may be, and feeling like, yes, I'm ready to go.

So when Saturday rolled around and Notre Dame got their asses kicked in the championship game, I tried to downplay it. "Oh, it's not a big deal, it really doesn't have anything to do with anything." When Alex sent me a cute photo of a box of Fusilli Puttanesca he saw in the grocery store because he thought of me, I thought it was oh so cute and was thankful that I really haven't a nasty "Puttanesca!" moment in a while and maybe I'm done with those. Ah, wishful thinking. Rather, they were harbingers of what was to come.

The details of it aren't really important. Instead, just focus on the essence of it -- that blinding anger that says, "After all the fucking work I've done, why the fuck do I have to go through this again?!" Hello darkness, my old friend. In the scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal (and before you ask, I'm fine, everything is ok...), but nothing quite like a steaming shit sandwich to remind you that the job's not quite done.

Welcome to Wonderfalls

A couple of months ago, I was spending the day with Alex, who was recovering from some minor surgery. He had recently got a short-lived TV series on DVD, called Wonderfalls. It never made it past the first 4 or 5 episodes and I had never even known it existed. I'm figuring that most of America hasn't either.

It took me a few episodes to finally get into it -- I missed the first couple of episodes, so there was a lot of "WTF?" Once I got past that, I found that I really resonated with the underlying story.

Wonderfalls centers on a young twentysomething living in Niagra Falls, named Jaye. She's got an Ivy League education, works in a dead end job at a local gift shop and lives in a trailer. The series includes a lot of her incredibly odd and dysfunctional family, and while at first she's painted as this pathetic slacker with no ambition, the show goes to great pains to make you understand that she's always been the outcast and that she's trying to choose a different path from her family: her right wing, George W. Bush loving (and still surprisingly lovable) doctor that is her father; her mother, who is a neurotic, well-known author; closeted lesbian-immigration attorney sister; and brother who happens to be a Ph.D. student in Theology and an atheist.

The crux of the show is that one day at work, Jaye is outside at lunch and chokes -- while she manages to dislodge the food, when she returns to work, suddenly things are different -- a wax lion from the vending machine in her store speaks to her. We're not talking Joan of Arcadia, "Yes, Joan, this is God, and listen to me while I pontificate..." Instead, the wax lion tells her not to give a customer her money back.

There's a lot more that I love about this show and I plan on talking about it more, just because there are so many different aspects that I love. But at it's core, it's a story about a very intelligent, talented girl who's grown up choosing to withdraw from the world, keeping most everyone at a distance. The stories Wonderfalls presents are about how the Universe finally starts to push Jaye in a different direction, one where she's forced to interact with the world in new ways and open up to those around her, despite the fact that all the while she's afraid that she's going crazy... and despite the fact that she's usually trying to fight the whole process.

Not only is she's worried she's going crazy, she's also dealing with the chemistry with the charming, emotionally available, though on the rebound Eric, played by the adorable Tyron Leitso.

While I don't live in a trailer, I can't help but see a lot of myself in Jaye and the struggle she's going through. In the first episode she explains her basic worldview: "Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all." I guess I've hit that point as well... and I haven't quite found a better solution... except for the insistent nudges the Universe keeps giving me, sending me in directions that don't necessarily feel like the direction I think I want to go and yet somehow always seem to work out in ways I don't really expect.

Update

A few days ago, I got a short email from Alex -- basically that I had been quiet and that he was just checking up on me to see if everything was ok. As I take a look back at my blog in recent weeks, I suppose one might ask a similar question. That is, while I love hot beeves and all, I had never really intended that it only be a forum for posting pictures of hot guys and haiku. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Several years ago, I went back to grad school because I wanted to take a different direction in my life. I wanted to be able to help people instead of making my living off the conflict that is the legal system and being miserable along the way.

When I finished my program, I came to a realization -- how can I help people change their lives for the better when I'm not really sure how to do it with my own? How do you teach what you don't know? The last few years have been a slow process of getting rid of the things that didn't work and searching for things that are a better fit.

And through it all, I've been waiting, waiting for that thing to come along that finally shifts things -- a new job I can really jump into and feel good about, someone special in my life, a big break somewhere else. On the rare occasion that those things seemed to come across my path, while they'd shimmer and glow, they'd always turn to dust before I was able to get my arms around them. Its painful enough to have happen once, it seems downright cruel when it happens over and over again. It takes its toll.

What's worse is that life seemed like it had been reduced to simply passing time -- waiting for something to happen... that and regretting the things that hadn't worked out. If you're waiting for something, that's probably the worst way to go about it -- resenting so many of the moments in my life because they're just reminders that I do not have what I want and may never get it. All the while life happens while I wait and stand on the sidelines. That pretty much sucks. Through it all, I've tried playing my part to change that, but so many times I'd just end up frustrated when it seemed like I wasn't getting anywhere. Kind of like a kid shouting to the Universe, "Are we there yet?" Yeah, sometimes I wanted to slap myself too.

So in the past few months I'd finally come to the decision to spend less time finding reasons to be dissatisfied and more time finding reasons to enjoy what's around me. I know its cliche and sounds Pollyanna but in practice its more difficult than it seems... its not enough to look around and say the words that I'm really happy. I've found that it requires me to be much more honest with myself and I'm realizing how often I was willing to tell myself that I felt fine when something was bothering me.

Part of the deal has been spending less time noticing things that would get me off-kilter, whether that's the news, politics, celebrities or the everyday bitchiness that still pops up. On top of it I've been making more of an effort to find the things in my life, past and present, that have gone right. Of course, the truth is that there's a shit load of them but I've spent so much time overlooking them.

On the blog front, that's meant that I've been purposely spending less time finding some of the things I used to share before and I'm left wondering what's left. On one level, my life isn't particularly newsworthy at the moment -- I've tried to disengage from much of the drama that was left and I've stepped back from trying to be witty or edgy. Like the world really needs another bitter queen, right? At the same time, I'm finding more of those moments of satisfaction that I had been missing before. Maybe its the equivalent of trying to master the nuances of vanilla ice cream but in the scheme of things, I guess its not a bad place to start. Oh and I still love beeves.

Contrast and Clarity

I confess that over the past year I've questioned myself and wondered if I was moving in the right direction. I've tried to keep faith that things are progressing as they should but many times its seemed like maybe I was going backward.

A year ago I was at a job that I felt pretty good about with hopes that they would want to keep me on a permanent basis, I had my residency at Miami, as well as a guy in my sights that I felt was really special and the hope that things between us could develop. Exactly one year later, delete all three. You can see where I might have come up with the idea that maybe things were going in reverse. Its rare that the Universe gives me such a clear measuring stick as tonight to show me the truth of things -- that I really am on the right track.

Flash back one year ago this morning--
It had been a long night. After a night of holiday celebration I had gone to Charlie's with a friend to finish the evening. We had run into the object of my affection and while we had a good few moments together to talk and I had gotten that sense of connection that I just don't get from anyone else, I was still battling the truth that things just weren't progressing the way I had hoped. My friend, trying to be helpful in that very drunk sort of way, had mentioned that he thought he had seen him at Charlie's the week before macking on someone. Though I was under no illusion that we were any more than friends, hearing this was more than I could bear. As I made my way home, angry and very hurt, I narrowly missed a collision in front of me on the freeway. Though I managed to get out of it physically unharmed, Anderson, my beloved MINI Cooper, was not so lucky. As I would later find out, he was damaged beyond repair. I made the dreaded late night call to my parents to come pick me up and spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company, though most of the time I just kept wondering how I could have let myself get so out of control.

And now the present day--
Its as though I got the chance to replay the night. A night of holiday festivities ended at Charlie's, though I usually avoid the place. I thought I would get through the evening unscathed, he was there with his boyfriend, who I've known about for about 6 months or so. Again, we had a few moments to to talk, that sense of connection I don't get from anyone else... I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with the reality that things just never went the way I would have liked and I've tried to convince myself that I was over him... but truth is that in my heart I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things change so that we could be together... but its hard to ignore his boyfriend staring me in the face... especially after his boyfriend remarks that we kind of look alike in some ways.

And though I wish I could say that I saw him and was delighted that my feelings had changed and that it was clear that I had moved on, it still hurts. Yet confronted with what I had been trying to avoid for a very long time, Nigel (the new MINI Cooper) and I made our way home safely, calmly (if a little heartbroken) and somewhat appreciative that I got to see him and thankful that he seems happy.

Even though there are many things in my life I would love to change -- the love and relationship I've always wanted, the kind of work I've been seeking, the rebirth of my DJing career -- this night has really highlighted just how far I've come. Perhaps its cliché and I get tired of hearing it let alone telling myself, but I know that this whole process has been an exercise in coming to find myself and that deep self-appreciation I had lacked. While I've wished that it would show up in my external world, perhaps I'm finally to know instead of just trying to believe that in the face of everything I've lost, I've really come to find more than I ever have before.

I Deserve A Beef Today

A day, just like any other... no, I haven't done anything special today... but I deserve a beef. I deserve a damn hot beef.

Dia del Pavo

While I jokingly refer to today as Dia del Pavo, or Turkey Day, even though its been a challenging I really do have a lot to be thankful for. A few special mentions from the Blogging world:

Adam: the one who nudged me into starting this whole blogging thing and who has managed to become one of my closest friends. Thanks for sharing sumptuous Indian food with me as well as engaging in interesting existential discussions.

Alex: another blogger turned good friend. Aside from always being interested in my life and wellbeing, as well as always finding interesting beeves that are worthy of my attention, I never have to get worked up about the state of the world or politics because he's there to do it for me.

The Daily Slab: for providing prime beef for my viewing pleasure.

Donnie: for his always entertaining Mug Shot Mondays.

And to all my readers, especially those of you who take the time to comment: you make this whole exercise much more interesting.

Puttanesca!

At dinner with Alexander yesterday, I picked up my new favorite word from the menu -- "Puttanesca!" The beauty of the word is that it sounds like EXACTLY what it means. Pasta Puttanesca is "Pasta in the style a whore would give you." Today was one of those PUTTANESCA moments -- Not only did I have to give back the cat that I hadn't asked for (but lovingly accepted), but I got an asshole calling me out for drinking bottled water, to boot. PUTTANESCA! But you know what? I defy you, you dirty whore of a Universe. If you think you're going to manage to bring me down, if you think that somehow this is finally the time when I just give up, you're wrong. I defy you. I will be happy despite your dirty whore tricks.

Just Breathe

I can't speak for anyone else but I admit that I've been letting life get to me a bit lately. Its not so much that things aren't going well, more of just me deciding to pick a fight with the way life is at the moment. In any event, I've needed a reminder to relax and just let things be, hence the new CD. Hope you enjoy.

Last Dance?

Out Magazine's October 2007 issue hit a nerve with me. Specifically, one of the articles details the death of "the Circuit." As a DJ who fell in love with dance music around 2000, this article taps into a lot of the unspoken anxiety and frustration I've had about the Circuit and current dance scene. On the Circuit side of things, I'm of the opinion that promoters have reaped what they've sown -- from booking the same DJs for every event, tacit promotion of drug use and uninspired music, the Circuit is facing many of the same challenges I think the music industry as a whole has been facing.

That said, while the Circuit had some major flaws, there are many reasons why I fell in love with the music and had many magical experiences while I was there. When done well, dance music has a power to transport you to magical places. A DJ can lead you from the world you know to a beautiful world of possibilities. That's always been my ideal and what I shoot for when I play.

On the flip side, since I've been in the booth, its been clear that crowds today are different from the crowds I had been a part of on the dance floor. As the article recounts, younger gay audiences are expecting more mainstream music -- hip hop and electro -- which, quite frankly, is just not my cup of tea. I've faced this question myself -- do you abandon the music you love in order to please the crowd? While I've always believed that a DJ has to walk the line between giving the crowd things they know and love as well as satisfying yourself as a DJ, in my own experience, the rewards to feeding at the crowd at the expense of yourself are pretty hollow. At the end of the day you end up feeling like a monkey on a string... "Play my song now, DJ Monkey! No, not that mix, DJ Monkey, I want the original! Everybody hates the music you're playing, DJ Monkey! Jump through the hoop, DJ Monkey!" My solution was to let my club owner know that it would be better for everyone if we brought in DJs who enjoyed playing the type of music the crowd wants. Honestly, I still stand by that decision and I think its the best one.

As the dance scene goes through this transition, I can't help but wonder if there's a place for me somewhere. As time has passed, rather than trying to evolve in the direction things seem to be going, I've become less and less willing to move in that direction. I've tried to settle on my own style, music that I love and that makes me feel good... but I don't know if that's enough. Maybe I've fallen in love with something whose time has passed. Maybe all my work has been for nothing. I don't have any answers.

Editing

There are many who say that the trick to life all comes down to editing -- that is, its not so much what happens, but the meaning we choose to place on those events. What they forget to tell you is that at the moments you need it the most, receiving that advice has to be one of the most annoying experiences one could possibly have. In fact, the same remains true even when you're telling YOURSELF. It makes no difference. I'd smack the living crap out of myself if I wasn't averse to pain.

That said, this video fits in with that scheme and it made me smile a little.

In The End

we all bear the scars
yeah, we all feign a laugh
we all cry in the dark
get cut off before we start

and as your first act begins
you realise they're all waiting
for a fall, for a flaw, for the end

and there's a past stained with tears
could you talk to quiet my fears
could you pull me aside
just to acknowledge that i've tried

as your last breath begins
contently take it in
cause we all get it in
the end

and as your last breath begins
you find your demon's your best friend
and we all get it in

the end

"In The End"
- Scott Matthew

(Video is NSFW)

Update

I'm never really sure how many people follow this blog closely, but maybe you've noticed I've been a little quiet. I guess that's always been one of my big questions about blogging, and life in general, to be honest -- just how much of my real self and my life do I share? Should I just glide along the surface and put up more pictures of hot guys or talk about politics or music or do I try to perform and attempt to be funny or witty?

Anyway, last month I had interviewed for a position I was really excited about -- for those of you who have read for a while or know a little about me personally, you know my career saga has been a real struggle for a while. I think a big chunk of that is because I've come to realize that I'm not someone who is satisfied with a job that's just about making money. I've had plenty of moments where I wish I could do that, but I really need to care about what I'm doing. I'm a passionate person and in the bigger picture, that's something I really like about myself.

So, I had interviewed for this position and felt pretty good about it. A few weeks later, they asked me for a second interview. They've gotta like you if they ask you for a second interview, right? I came out of that second interview sky high. I've never felt that good after an interview and I drove home thinking that it was finally time for things to fall into place. Well, a funny thing happened -- things didn't fall into place. Such a strange combination -- to feel like they loved me and yet having things fall apart yet again.

I suppose the stranger thing is knowing that this juxtaposition of "YES!" and "NO!" have shown up in my life a lot in the past few years. It seems like the stronger I feel about something the more issues it brings up. While I was disappointed to be sure, the truth was that it wasn't a crushing blow by many things. Rather, I had this odd sense of detachment -- as I've mentioned before, I've seen this situation come up over and over again, which tells you the truth of things. I could bitch about the unfairness of it all, but I can't really escape the reality that as much as I wanted that job, or the relationship I couldn't have, or whatever, there's this part of me that really didn't believe I deserved them. That's a hard thing to admit, at least in my book.

That said, what I came to realize was just how much of an issue this has been -- how much my self doubt has plagued things throughout my life. So much of the time its been working behind the scenes -- I could feel its effects but never quite understood its scope. Since I've had that realization, I've had the opportunity to pull the beliefs that supported it and understood where they came from. What's more, I've had the chance to start the healing I've needed for a long time. I know I still have work to do the big difference is that even while nothing has changed on the outside, for the first time, things finally feel like they're right where they're supposed to be.

Such Is Life

"Such is life... feel it.
Beautiful life... I see it.
I'm making changes now,
open up the door and I will be here...
I am here.

Seems like I've been waiting,
held in time, I'm aching.
I'm seeing clearly now,
wipe away the tears
and I will be free...
I am free.

I feel... feel the beauty inside...
I see... worlds are turning outside...
I hear... hear you calling my name...
I'm free..."

Just seemed like an appropriate song for the moment.

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?

Open Your Eyes

Just a song I've had rattling around my head for the past week or two.

Soundtrack Of Love

I guess I've always felt like my life has a soundtrack... I guess that's one of the reasons I ended up becoming a DJ. Seems like a certain song can really encapsulate a part of your life. Anyway, for some reason I was listening to a few songs that reminded me of love and relationships and I thought it was fascinating to see how my life, thoughts and feelings about love have evolved over time. Its like a journal, only fun to listen to. I'm not going to name names or anything, but I decided I'd clue you all in.

Phase 1: Crazy

I had just come out, I had never really been in a relationship -- I had been warned that it would really be a good idea to wait before I tried dating anyone... Of course, I ignored them and jumped right in. Not good. Long story short, I had no idea about how relationships worked and what exactly to expect. I believe my dear Patsy Cline sang it best, "I'm crazy for tryin' and I'm crazy for cryin', and I'm crazy for loving you..."

Crazy indeed. I guess "insanity" would be more accurate. I had some hard lessons to learn in those early days -- I suppose the biggest gift I received from those first couple of exes was the lesson that things are not always as they appear and that not everyone has the best intentions... oh yeah, and a nice case of crabs.

Phase 2: One Fine Day

It was maybe a year after those first fledgling relationships. I suppose I tell everyone that he was a friend that I fell for. We became friends but the truth is that from the moment I met him I felt like there was something there. Moulin Rouge had just come out at the time and I suppose that's the best way to describe the nature of our relationship. He was my "sparkling diamond" and I played the part of the penniless writer/DJ... of course, there was a lot of illusion going on -- most of the time it was a situation where there was something going on... and there wasn't... but there really was. Its too hard to explain quickly, but I think Natalie Merchant explains the real situation pretty well. At the end of the day I spent a long time waiting for "one fine day." Of course, the strange thing is that the truth finally came out... but it was too late. Bah, Moulin Rouge didn't have a happy ending either.

Current Phase: Down Together

Fast forward to today. Yes, there's currently someone I have my sights set on, but at the moment, there's not much to discuss. Instead, the song I have in mind has less to do with this particular person as it describes the relationship I'd like to have... leave it to a Tempe band: The Refreshments to come up with it... its not even really a love song, either, but I suppose it kind of is a reflection of me - kinda quirky, but in my better moments, playful and fun, and I guess that's what love means to me these days. "What's good for you is good for me and what's bad for you is bad for me. Well, cars break down and people break down and other things break down too, so lets go down together..."

Reflections

Ok, I'll admit that I bitch about what's not going "right" in my life as much as anybody else. Maybe I don't say it out loud to everyone else, but I bitch. Sometimes I won't even say it to myself, but I can feel it in the pit of my stomach -- why the fuck is my life the way it is?

Currently the job search has raised its ugly head yet again. I've asked myself why the hell I'm going through this again -- I'd have thought that I'd have had my fill of it in the past 3 years or so. So, I stop and howl at the big, bad Universe, "Why, oh why am I here again? Why do you impose such horrible things upon me?" I listen for an answer, but there's no response.

I know the truth of the matter though, even if I don't like the answer -- deep down, things are the way I want them to be... at least at some level. Like with the whole job thing -- if I'm honest with myself I know that I have VERY good reasons for not wanting to go back to the kinds of jobs I've had before. Even if I had a job that I loved, I think that scares me even more -- growing up I remember viewing work as something that kept my parents away. Especially my Dad. I remember feeling like so much of the time that work came first and the family came a distant second. For myself, life as an attorney was not fun -- plenty of late nights at the office, weekends as well. Coming home late and exhausted only to go to sleep for a few hours and start the cycle all over again.

Whether its been law or counseling or anything in between, I've felt like that's just they price I'd have to pay to be working at the level I need to work at. So, I suppose its no surprise that I've found ways to avoid that happening. I'm good, I know. Now that I know that stuff is there, its a matter of learning to believe there's another way... as opposed to resigning myself to live life in the grind.