Sunday, April 24, 2005

Long week...

Hey there, everybody. Sorry I've been MIA this week. The new job has been going pretty well - keeps me busy and has been paying the bills. The down side is that it does take a lot out of me -- its been an adjustment and I haven't had a lot of excess energy when I get home. To top it off, one of my friends and her partner were moving out of state, so they asked me to make a CD for them to give out at their going away party. I love them and I enjoyed doing it, but it was really short notice and it pretty much ate up whatever spare time and energy I had.

One of the up/down sides of having a job that takes up most of your energy is that a lot of emotional stuff I don't always pay attention to bubbles up to the surface. Happy, optimistic Marc gives way to frustrated, doubting Marc. And this week I've been swinging between the two extremes, which is not fun. I enjoy rollercoasters when I'm at an amusment park, but riding one all week is not amusing at all.

That being said, while I don't particularly enjoy the ride, it has really raised some issues that need my attention. I've come to believe that we create our experiences in life and sometimes the reason we don't create experiences that we want is because some part of us is holding ourselves back.

Now, I've always been someone who follows his heart. From a big picture point of view, I believe that I've always been better off that way. Its helped me come to know myself better, become stronger, and go in new directions I never would have imagined. Along the way, though, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that its been a difficult road. To be honest, there have been plenty of times where following my heart has resulted in me getting kicked around much more often than I'd care for. I'm not the type to try to blame things on everybody else. I've worked hard to take responsiblity for my part in things and try to learn the lessons I've needed to learn. No one said growth was an easy thing.

That being said, I'm coming to understand that there's a part of me that's been holding me back because I'm tired of getting beaten down and tired of trying to swim upstream. Like an overprotective parent, I think I've thrown up some roadblocks because I don't want to get hurt again. Its strange how those sorts of things end up showing up in your life -- for example, in the relationship arena, I've met some wonderful guys. Unfortunately, they're either emotionally unavailable or they live in a different city. You can overlook those types of things when it happens once, but when it happens over and over and over, you have to admit that the Universe is trying to tell you something.

Ultimately, I think its time for me to focus my energy on trying to heal those areas that are holding me back. I don't think I can move forward until that happens.


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