echeblog

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Reefer Madness...

I'm not a pothead, but let me say that there are some mighty hot ones out there. Please notice the bong - especially the thickness of it and the fact that its near his mouth. Remind you of anything? Maybe its because its been far too long since I've gotten any... (a week and a half! YIKES!) I need to find a hot guy in tighty whiteys lying on a futon like this guy to play with.

My thanks to my good friend, Paulie, for this pic.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

An Open Mind...

One of the things I've learned is that life doesn't always go in the directions you'd expect. As a result, I've really tried to keep an open mind and take a look at things that I may not have considered a few years ago. That being said, this new mindset is a work in process. Today has been a reminder of that and an exercise in putting that into practice.

I got a call this morning from a legal recruiter who's been looking for some full time gigs for me. Aside from giving me some very helpful tweaks to my resume, he asked if I was interested in talking with one of the big firms here in town. A few years ago, I would have said, "Hell no!" And to be honest, once he mentioned it, my stomach did a few backflips. Nonetheless, I told him to go ahead and talk to them and see what happens. After a year of having very little movement in the career area, I've really tried to view any sort of movement or progress as positive, regardless of the apparent direction. Ultimately, I don't really know where this is going to wind up, whether I get the job or not. What I do know is that I'm really trying to allow the process to work and trust that things will end up working out for the best and I'll wind up going where I need to go.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Long week...

Hey there, everybody. Sorry I've been MIA this week. The new job has been going pretty well - keeps me busy and has been paying the bills. The down side is that it does take a lot out of me -- its been an adjustment and I haven't had a lot of excess energy when I get home. To top it off, one of my friends and her partner were moving out of state, so they asked me to make a CD for them to give out at their going away party. I love them and I enjoyed doing it, but it was really short notice and it pretty much ate up whatever spare time and energy I had.

One of the up/down sides of having a job that takes up most of your energy is that a lot of emotional stuff I don't always pay attention to bubbles up to the surface. Happy, optimistic Marc gives way to frustrated, doubting Marc. And this week I've been swinging between the two extremes, which is not fun. I enjoy rollercoasters when I'm at an amusment park, but riding one all week is not amusing at all.

That being said, while I don't particularly enjoy the ride, it has really raised some issues that need my attention. I've come to believe that we create our experiences in life and sometimes the reason we don't create experiences that we want is because some part of us is holding ourselves back.

Now, I've always been someone who follows his heart. From a big picture point of view, I believe that I've always been better off that way. Its helped me come to know myself better, become stronger, and go in new directions I never would have imagined. Along the way, though, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that its been a difficult road. To be honest, there have been plenty of times where following my heart has resulted in me getting kicked around much more often than I'd care for. I'm not the type to try to blame things on everybody else. I've worked hard to take responsiblity for my part in things and try to learn the lessons I've needed to learn. No one said growth was an easy thing.

That being said, I'm coming to understand that there's a part of me that's been holding me back because I'm tired of getting beaten down and tired of trying to swim upstream. Like an overprotective parent, I think I've thrown up some roadblocks because I don't want to get hurt again. Its strange how those sorts of things end up showing up in your life -- for example, in the relationship arena, I've met some wonderful guys. Unfortunately, they're either emotionally unavailable or they live in a different city. You can overlook those types of things when it happens once, but when it happens over and over and over, you have to admit that the Universe is trying to tell you something.

Ultimately, I think its time for me to focus my energy on trying to heal those areas that are holding me back. I don't think I can move forward until that happens.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Praise Jesus!

You know, there are days that I just can't help but give a heartfelt, "Praise Jesus!" for being gay. Just a quick look at this guy is enough to make any day one of those days. Yeah, if I had me a quiet evening with him, I'd fill him with the Holy Spirit and then some.

This is a reminder that I can be incredibly trashy, and you know, there's not a damn thing wrong with that.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Back to Beef


Torso 10
Originally uploaded by Violentz.
You know, its been ages since I posted a pic of some hot manflesh. Thanks to the miracle that is flickr, I was able to find this particular beauty. You know, no matter how bad things look, there's nothing quite like a hot guy to remind you of the good things this world has to offer.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Goodbye Heartbreak!

Once I had my little burst of revelation today, I played this song by the Lighthouse Family several times throughout the afternoon... Really seemed to make everything make sense...

Goodbye Heartbreak

Don't be blind
In all the fated life.
Something great is happening in your life
But all the noise
Is drowning out your voice.
No wonder you've been feeling down
From time to time.
You know that you'll survive
The day you realise
You can't stop day from turning into night
Hey you know you're gonna live
To find another day
It's just today things ain't so good.

Hey...
Get yourself back again
You've got so much love
That you can't afford to lose...

Goodbye Heartbreak
Heartbreak
Don't look for me'
Cause I don't need you now.
So long heartache
Heartache
Don't look for me'
Cause I don't need you now....

Do you remember as a girl,
You had a picture of the world
And you'd think about the great things you would find?
The thing is 9 to 5
And a struggle to survive
Ain't exactly what you had in mind.
But that's the beauty of life,
It takes a while to find,
And you can't have things your own way all the time...

Hey...
Get yourself back again
You've got so much love
That you can't afford to lose...

Goodbye Heartbreak
Heartbreak
Don't look for me'
Cause I don't need you now.
So long heartache
Heartache
Don't look for me'
Cause I don't need you now....

Perspective

Despite wicked-long days of mind-numbing document review, strangely enough, my world seems to have come back into balance... As tired as I was today, I ended up getting a burst of intense positive vibes when my friend Mikey in SD called this morning... I had been really questioning the direction of my life lately -- not so much down on myself as really wondering if I had misread what my inner voice had been telling me... struggling on questions of love, work and direction -- major issues.

Anyway, I had made a dual CD set for Mikey and his bf, Jim's, anniversary. I really wanted to do something special for them because they've both been such good friends. Mikey called and we finally got to talk about the CDs. To make a long story short, he and Jim loved it, which made me really happy. As a bonus, I really respect his opinion when it comes to dance music, so it really had a double impact on me... as we talked about the music I couldn't ignore the energy running through me, especially compared to how tired and drained I'd been feeling just moments earlier. It reminded me of how much I love the music and that I'm in it for all the right reasons.

As I struggled to regain my focus the rest of the day at work, the big questions I had been asking seemed to answer themselves -- I'm on the right path... in my heart I know its true, regardless of how things appear at times. I'm part of something bigger than me, and I don't need to sweat the details, I just need to be open to what life has to serve up Life is magic if I let it be.

DEEP BREATH

Thank you, Universe!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Don't Panic!

I want to thank everyone for your support. Just to let you all know, I am doing ok and not going off the deep end. Rather, I've just been recognizing some things in myself that haven't been serving me too well and trying to let them go -- which hasn't been easy or fun. The moral of the story is that when you look outside yourself for things to make you happy, it never works. Anyway, I've gotta get something to eat and then get ready for work. I'll write more later...

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Now on RadioBlog

I want to thank you everybody for your support over this past week or so - I feel like there have been some major issues in my life that I have been struggling with for a long time that are finally coming into focus... and that can be a pretty painful process... you can't really move on until you've finally shined the light on the dark parts of yourself that you try to hide from. Anyway, I know I'm being rather cryptic... sometimes its hard for me to put things into words. Instead, I'll let the music say all those things I don't quite know how to express...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

More Than Meets The Eye...

I was reading CNN this morning and ran across this article about how they're working on a live action version of The Transformers. That has to be one of the coolest things I have heard in a LONG time! I was the biggest Transformers fan when I was a kid. Supposedly they're trying to get Michael Bay to direct. Whoever the get to direct, I hope they do a great job, because if they don't, I'm gonna kick all their asses.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Perfection

One of the biggest lessons I've struggled with lately is perfectionism. While its easy to say that, hey, nobody's perfect, its much harder to put into practice. I know that I hold myself to much higher standards than I do anyone else. In doing that, I end up spending a lot more time trying to be perfect instead of allowing myself to be real. Over the past few years I've worked really hard on trying to be more genuine and open and stop judging myself and others. Having always been my worst critic, its been a fight. Most of the time, I think I've done a pretty good job. In the area of romance, however, I've had a much harder time with it.

When it comes to romance, I basically look for a strong connection with someone -- one of my favorite songs by Peter Stuart describes it as having someone "see the light behind my eyes." I know love at first sight sounds like a cheezy Hollywood cliche but I've had it happen before. At the same time, these sorts of encounters have always been the most difficult for me because they are never easy. I've always wanted to meet my soulmate and spend the rest of our lives together. The reality is that such a relationship is not a simple one. I think you have to be ready for it for it to finally pop into your life.

Recently, the guys I would be interested in are unavailable -- they live in other cities, they work all the time and won't make time for me, are in a relationship... and the guy who currently has a hold on my heart happens to be the perfect blend of the three. Ultimately, I think part of this stems from the need to have things to be perfect for a relationship to start, and they never are. But when it comes down to it, things will never be perfect because I'm not perfect. Of course, I've never wanted the "perfect" man, I've just wanted an equal -- and the problem with that is that it means I get the same fears, insecurities and tendencies to run when someone actually sees me for who I am. In the end, I'm thankful for those experiences, but its a real bitch to go through sometimes.

Sweet Surrender

"It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home
And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me
Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won’t disappoint you
When I’m down here
On my knees
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
Sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
And I don’t understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything (about you)
It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give"
-Sarah McLachlan