Friday, November 10, 2006

A Little More Time

I don't know about you guys, but the charm of birthdays wore off for me a long time ago. I'm all gung ho when it comes to celebrating them for others but when it comes to myself, I'd much rather just go off by myself, thank you very much. I suppose birthdays are very much like New Years and funerals -- its a natural time to stop and reflect about the past and take a glimpse forward. This birthday is no different. These days I've divided my life into two main chunks - before I came out and after. While there are certainly elements from that first period that have carried over into the second, for me it hasn't been a matter of just trying to dress up my life into something better. Its really been a matter of ripping just about everything out and starting over in so many ways, trying to put my life together in a meaningful way as opposed to the general sense that I was living a life that I had fallen into. In the six or so years since I finally came out I gave up my job (that I hated, to be honest), my condo, many friends, my old way of life, and comfortable, if dysfunctional, sense of myself... all in the hope that I could create something better. A career where I do meaningful, rewarding work, supportive friends, a partner to love and share my life with, a new place to call my own, a general sense of joy and appreciation.

For any of you who've remodeled a house, I'm talking major reconstruction, I think you know that it never goes as quickly as you'd hoped and it never goes smoothly. This has been no different. So, on this 33rd birthday of mine, I confess I've gotten a little caught up in wondering why the hell things haven't gotten finished yet. Where's that back wall? Dammit, why haven't the counters been installed yet? Right around New Years I had this giddy sense of optimism - that the major pieces I had been waiting for, at least a couple, were finally ready to fall into place. In practice, it turns out there was still a lot of work left to be done and this year has pretty much been a bitch.

Through the past six years, truth be told, if I stop back and look at just how much has changed for me in those years, with everything I've done, everything I've been through, I can't help but recognize the amazing amount of work that I've done. When I allow myself to focus on those little victories, I know that the truth is that they all add up and that I've done what needed to be done. That said, on a day like a birthday, its hard to look past some of the big things that just aren't here yet. Even though I feel like I'm better off than I was a year ago and that maybe some of those big things really are sorting themselves out, its hard to look around and notice all the things I haven't done yet. Maybe that's human nature, maybe that's just yet another one of my shortcomings.

Anyway, this song sort of encapsulates the mood of this November 10.


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