Where's Katerine?

Where's Caterine Vauban when you need her? Actually, I'd prefer an attractive gay male version, but that is just another one of my attempts to "throw [myself] directly back into the Sea of Human Drama." I have to admit that after living my life as a mostly "glass half full" type person, Caterine is very persuasive. What I wouldn't give for Mark Wahlberg to hit me in the face with a rubber ball right now.