Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I Wish I Knew...

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free...

Over at Rick's blog, he's talking about the many reasons he's not able to be himself in his day to day life. I won't elaborate because it's not my story to tell, but it's something I can definitely to which I can relate. I commented on his last entry with a question: What would it be like to be free? I've been asking myself that question a lot these days... but compared to the many moments I automatically conclude that it's just not possible, I don't ask that question nearly enough.

I wish I could break all the chains holding me...

Once upon a time I perhaps I believed that it was just about my sexuality -- I've known since a very early age and it was hard for me to deal with such a profound feeling of difference, that on a fundamental level I wasn't who I was told I was supposed to be. Of course I think it always went deeper than that. It was hard for me to walk into Kindergarten as one of the youngest students there and feel like, "Wait, I already get this and the people around me don't... something's not right here." Not sure how I came to the conclusion that if I could just try hard enough, be perfect enough, smart enough, maybe I could overcome the "different" part and earn the love I've always wanted.

I wish I could say all the things that I should say,
say 'em loud, say 'em clear for the whole world to hear.

But as the years roll on, it's become painfully clear that I'm not perfect. No matter how hard I've tried, it's never been enough. Somewhere along the line I went from, "How come I get this when the people around me don't?" to "Why don't things work for me? What am I missing?" Can't be that I haven't jumped through the right hoops... because I have. Can't be that I'm not willing to work hard... because I am.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart...

There've been so many people in my life whom I respect and love for so many reasons. Whether it's men or women, romantic or not... Maybe it's life as a Scorpio, but sometimes it's hard to explain what exactly what that means. At one point or another, I think I described myself as "loving fiercely." There are people I've encountered that I love with a depth I cannot possibly explain. But it's more than just being "in love" and romantic squooshiness. I've always wanted to be able to find that beautiful place, that love and joy and express it to the world. At my best, that's what I aspire to in my music.

Remove all the bars that keep us apart...

And yet, aside from family, it seems that the people I've loved the most have been the ones with whom I've been least able to express myself. Wherever my passion has been the strongest, so too has been my fear. The greater the love, the stronger the chains. For the past few years, it seems, my only solution is just not to love. In that, all that's left is disappointment, criticism, judgment and doubt. For too long it seems like arms' length is the closest I can come.

I wish you could know what it means to be me...

But that's not what's in my heart; it's never been who I really am. My voice has always been meant to be a voice of joy, of love, of celebration. Often times I seem to see things others don't -- I suppose I've wondered if maybe that's what has scared off some of those with whom I've longed to be close. Again, maybe it's just the Scorpio stereotype. Usually, what I've seen isn't something to be feared or despised. Rather, usually I see people trying to be strong even when they're scared, when they're doing the best they can. Sometimes it's where someone lets me catch them being themselves when they think other people aren't watching. Once in a while, it's someone sharing things they've not shared with someone else. Often, it's that the vulnerability, awkwardness and imperfection we try to hide is what makes us most beautiful.

then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

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