I Wish I Knew...

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free...

Over at Rick's blog, he's talking about the many reasons he's not able to be himself in his day to day life. I won't elaborate because it's not my story to tell, but it's something I can definitely to which I can relate. I commented on his last entry with a question: What would it be like to be free? I've been asking myself that question a lot these days... but compared to the many moments I automatically conclude that it's just not possible, I don't ask that question nearly enough.

I wish I could break all the chains holding me...

Once upon a time I perhaps I believed that it was just about my sexuality -- I've known since a very early age and it was hard for me to deal with such a profound feeling of difference, that on a fundamental level I wasn't who I was told I was supposed to be. Of course I think it always went deeper than that. It was hard for me to walk into Kindergarten as one of the youngest students there and feel like, "Wait, I already get this and the people around me don't... something's not right here." Not sure how I came to the conclusion that if I could just try hard enough, be perfect enough, smart enough, maybe I could overcome the "different" part and earn the love I've always wanted.

I wish I could say all the things that I should say,
say 'em loud, say 'em clear for the whole world to hear.

But as the years roll on, it's become painfully clear that I'm not perfect. No matter how hard I've tried, it's never been enough. Somewhere along the line I went from, "How come I get this when the people around me don't?" to "Why don't things work for me? What am I missing?" Can't be that I haven't jumped through the right hoops... because I have. Can't be that I'm not willing to work hard... because I am.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart...

There've been so many people in my life whom I respect and love for so many reasons. Whether it's men or women, romantic or not... Maybe it's life as a Scorpio, but sometimes it's hard to explain what exactly what that means. At one point or another, I think I described myself as "loving fiercely." There are people I've encountered that I love with a depth I cannot possibly explain. But it's more than just being "in love" and romantic squooshiness. I've always wanted to be able to find that beautiful place, that love and joy and express it to the world. At my best, that's what I aspire to in my music.

Remove all the bars that keep us apart...

And yet, aside from family, it seems that the people I've loved the most have been the ones with whom I've been least able to express myself. Wherever my passion has been the strongest, so too has been my fear. The greater the love, the stronger the chains. For the past few years, it seems, my only solution is just not to love. In that, all that's left is disappointment, criticism, judgment and doubt. For too long it seems like arms' length is the closest I can come.

I wish you could know what it means to be me...

But that's not what's in my heart; it's never been who I really am. My voice has always been meant to be a voice of joy, of love, of celebration. Often times I seem to see things others don't -- I suppose I've wondered if maybe that's what has scared off some of those with whom I've longed to be close. Again, maybe it's just the Scorpio stereotype. Usually, what I've seen isn't something to be feared or despised. Rather, usually I see people trying to be strong even when they're scared, when they're doing the best they can. Sometimes it's where someone lets me catch them being themselves when they think other people aren't watching. Once in a while, it's someone sharing things they've not shared with someone else. Often, it's that the vulnerability, awkwardness and imperfection we try to hide is what makes us most beautiful.

then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

It's Over!

Yes, We Did.

Home Again

Sorry for having a light week when it comes to posting. Last week was a busy week. Along with trying to put together a last-minute memorial CD for a friend who passed away a few months ago, I also headed back to Notre Dame for a weekend conference called Alumni Senate.

I won't bore you with the details, because a lot of it was meetings and workshops and dinners with other Alumni. I guess the big thing for me was that I had come last year and had really struggled, having lost my job a couple of months before, I was wrestling with the questions that inevitably come with that along with the heightened sensitivity of being around so many people who are successful in traditional ways.

Flash forward a year: While many of the circumstances, on the surface, haven't resolved themselves yet, I've been coming to accept that I really am in a much different place. While I may not be a partner at a big law firm or deeply ingrained in a Fortune 500 company, it's okay because that's not really want to be anyway. Maybe I don't know how to make my dreams come true yet, but when I stop to look at my life, I know that I'm involved in things that I really care about (and enjoy, if I let myself) and I'm excited about the possibilities of what is to come.

What makes it more special to me is that Notre Dame is the one place where, despite the fact that I had stepped away from my family and everything I knew, I felt like it was home, a place I knew was incredibly special and that I was a part of it. That's a bit of a mixed blessing. Throughout my college experience (and even through last year) I had a hard time with that -- maybe it was being gay on a conservative, Catholic campus, perhaps even deeper. So many times I wondered whether I deserved to be at such a place. Notre Dame isn't the easiest place to be different.

Of course, it's not necessarily easy being different wherever you happen to live. That's been my work -- to recognize that I'm unique and that what I have to offer is valuable, more so than if I had been willing (and able) to stuff myself into the expectations that somehow I placed on myself.

It was a new experience for me -- being able to hold my head up high and say, "Here I am. I'm damn good at what I do. I belong here. I'm proud of myself and of this place. We are part of each other and we always will be." I'm not perfect, at least in any of the ways people would define it. And at the same time, I know that not only will I never be, but that I'm figuring out that I don't need to be and never did. It's just a matter of setting down all the excuses and justifications I've used to hold myself apart from the things I love and diving in. I'm not always in the place where I can do that, or am willing to do that, but I'm getting SO much better at it.

It Depends pt. 3

Track 4 - Love & Cuddles (Original Mix) - Nacho Chapado feat. Micky Forteza

I ended my last post with the title track of the disc and a distinct electro vibe. As I've mentioned before, I'm not really a big fan of electro but in some ways I've felt like I've been forcing myself to follow the trend simply because it's the trend. With this track I was trying to bridge the gap between the trend and introducing the elements of what I really want to do. Overall I felt like the contrast between the noisy quality of the electro style and the pretty aspect of the guitar really worked well. Once again, I feel like it's just a metaphor for the process I've been going through in my life for a while -- learning to be willing to start putting more of myself out there in the hope that things can work. Oh, and "Love & Cuddles" is a cool name for a track.

Track 5 - Canta Conmigo (Funky Junction Spanish Vocal Mix) - Blue Man Group

"Si te invito a jugar, no vas a negar, tu verás que inseguro soy, igual que los demás. / If I invite you to play, you won't be able to deny it, you'll see I'm insecure like everyone else."

I love this track; I blogged about it a few months ago. Along with the overall sound I've been aiming for, the lyrics of this track are really at the heart of things -- Si yo canto así, ¿te unirás a mí o cantando solo, sigo, desde aquí? / If I sing like this, will you join me or will I keep on singing by myself?"

I guess that's the fundamental issue I've run into as a DJ (and as a person) -- bumping into people who essentially say, "Who are you to play what you want instead of what I want you to play?" In my waning days at Miami, the owner pulled me aside and told me he had gotten a couple of nasty emails saying that the DJ (me) sucked because he wasn't playing all the music they wanted to hear and that maybe they'd enjoy the music if it was from "somebody" like an out of town big name DJ, but since I was just a nobody Phoenix DJ, I should play what they like.

Standing back, it's easy to say, "Screw them, they don't matter." Of course, I've also had others tell me that it's just as important to satisfy the market that's out there. I'm not famous, I don't have piles of money, so yeah, who am I to want to do what I want to do? What sets me apart from all the other poor schmoes out there? Si yo canto así, ¿te unirás a mí o cantando solo, sigo, desde aquí?

Track 6 - Shine On Me (DJ Wady & Patrick M Bedroom Mix) -
J. Louis, Ferran & Tikaro feat. Clarence

"Yesterday's gone, lost in the past, try to hang on, but it's fading fast..."

This track does break with the particular sound of the past couple of tracks but I chose it because it's the best answer to the question from the last track. Honestly, for most of my life I was content to try and please people, though it never really worked. In some ways, I've tried to cling on to some of that past because it's familiar. But like the song says, it's fading fast. And while the process hasn't always been smooth, learning to follow my heart just feels too good to ignore. "Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide when you shine on me..."

Echeblog Election 2008

Its election time, as if you didn't already know that. As much as I'm hoping Obama will become this country's next President, there are more pressing issues at hand. Specifically -- who is in line to be my husband. And so, I'm presenting Echeblog Election 2008! You guys will get to pick who you think would be the best fantasy husband for me. So, I now present the candidates!

Brady Quinn
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Brady (the one on the right) and I both attended the University of Notre Dame, though not at the same time. We're both Scorpios as well and that could either mean we're able to understand each other on a very deep level or it might be a recipe for disaster.

Michael Churchill
Ok, he's from New Jersey but he looks like he could have been one of the several hot Mormon kids I grew up with turned beef. The crystal blue eyes and blond fuzz stretched over the flawless chest pretty much embody every Junior High and High School fantasy I ever had. I don't know a damn thing about this guy, but with a face like that, does it really matter?

Gage Wilson
Ok, he's from Sean Cody and supposedly straight, but a) he's still having sex with guys and b) we're allowed to delete those
inconvenient details in an exercise like this.

Ben Browder
I didn't want you guys thinking that I was only going for the 20-something ones in this. Ah, Bens!

Jake Gyllenhaal
I love the beard, Jakey! I definitely think you traded up when you left Kirsten for Reese, but now its time to leave behind these foolish games and settle down with the right guy.

Let the campaigning begin!

Happy New Year!

Hope you guys had a happy and safe New Years Eve. I know New Years brings a lot of talk about possibilities and resolutions and the like. Here we are again talking about hopes and dreams for things to come. Honestly, I feel like 2008 has so much potential, but I've said that the past couple of years. So what makes this year any different?

The past few years have been a challenge for me -- I've seen things seem to come together so many times only to fall apart over and over again. I've come to fell like a lot of that came down to a lack of clarity... for the most part, I had really wanted things to be settled, to have what other people have -- a stable job, a relationship, a place to DJ, stuff like that. While this doesn't seem out of line, at the core of me, I can't help but realize now that I want so much more than that. But what? Where exactly do I want to go? That's the question I've struggled with for the past few years.

While the past few years have been frustrating, I'm coming to understand that they've help me come to understand just what it is I want. For the first time, I can honestly tell myself exactly what I'd like to do with the next several years of my life and it has nothing to do with a guy or a place or trying to shoehorn myself into a particular job or role. Instead, I've had the chance to stop and say, "This is the direction I want to go, this is what I want to create." I don't know how I'm gonna get there or what the next step is, but at the moment, I feel like this is the most important thing I could have done.

Cream of Wheat

I don't know why and I don't know what it means but last night I dreamt of Cream of Wheat. It was never the type of thing I was thrilled about eating when I was younger -- growing up I was never much of a breakfast person, but I vividly remember Cream of Wheat starring prominently in the dream. Not much more than that. Just Cream of Wheat.