Tuesday Morning

Thunder splits the sky
Nature in its majesty
Life in the desert

I'm My Own Hero

(Thanks Madhouse @Pluto Drive)

It's Good to Wait?

I suppose I'm like a lot of people out there, I hate to wait. I want what I want and I want it NOW. Unfortunately, that doesn't work out for me, just like the rest of the world. Anyway, I've always been a sci-fi/fantasy geek at heart, that hasn't changed over the years. I've played RPGs all my life but I've gotten bored with the current crop of MMORPGs, Vanguard: Saga of Heros being my last one, although I dabbled a bit in the soon-to-be-defunct Tabula Rasa. While the whole MMORPG phenomenon has been interesting, I'm big on story and most of the games out there just don't really give you much depth, it's all about "Kill x creatures" or "Get _____ loot." /yawn. I had been playing Dungeons & Dragons Online for about a year, and that's honestly been the most fun I've had in the MMORPG genre but I haven't really felt the urge to go back.

I've usually preferred the traditional one-player RPG. It's just nicer for me because I can decide when I want to play, how much I want to play and usually I have a much richer experience. The only problem has been that there hasn't been any game in a while that's really caught my attention, until recently. Toward the end of last year I received an e-mail from Bioware announcing the development of Dragon Age:Origins, and I knew I had to have it.



I went looking for updates on the game and found out the release was pushed back to the second half of 2009. Initially I was disappointed, but I realized that the push back is actually very beneficial for me... especially because my machine is SO slow and I've not yet figured out how I'm going to get a new one. This gives me some time to work before I have to rush to the store and buy Dragon Age: Origins. So, despite that I want both a new computer and the game NOW, I suppose it's a good thing that I'm able to have some time to work it all out. I suppose I could look a little deeper at some of the other things where I want the things I want that I haven't yet gotten and think about how the time lag is actually benefiting me, but I think I'll skip that for now.

Up In Smoke?

I'm not sure how many of you have been keeping track of this, but the latest scandal regards photos published of Michael Phelps sparking it up at a party at the University of South Carolina. There was a resulting furor that the 23-year old Phelps is acting, well, like a 23 year old. Some have opined that this is just horrible and shocking and that this somehow erases all of Phelps's accomplishments and spells the end of his career. Phelps recently released a statement acknowledging the truth of the photo and expressing his regret over his "bad judgment" and "regrettable" behavior and swears never to do it again. Mea culpa, mea culpa.

How insane is this? Phelps should have released a statement explaining that all he does is eat, sleep and swim and if he decides he wants to spark up a bowl and act like a normal college-aged student, then congratulations for trying to have some semblance of a normal life. Yes, it sounds like he was a bit out of control but that's what happens when you spend your life trying to be superhuman and miss all the things that make life enjoyable. These outraged moralizers need to get a life and mind their own damn business.

Milestones

This is a bit of a milestone here at echeblog -- my 1000th entry. I thought about commemorating it right after the Inauguration or with a beef haiku... but neither of those felt right. After all, above anything else, this blog is about ME. It's my story, it's a reflection of me, not of beeves, of politics or celebrities or even of music. I wanted to use this moment to do something special. I thought about it for a few days and the idea really crystalized this afternoon. I had been trying to figure out how to pull it off, and then circumstance intervened. I received this comment a few minutes ago that was just perfect:

"Your blog is absolutely pointless. Have you realized that you live a trite and meaningless life, or has the fact continued to evade your conscious mind? What a waste of natural resources your (as well as you family's I presume) existence represents. Do the world a favor and bring an abrupt cessation to your existence."

So, you might think to yourself, "That's horrible!" or "What a dick!" or "Hey, he's right!" At earlier parts in my life, maybe I would have felt hurt, angry, annoyed or maybe defensive... deep down, I might have even agreed. What struck me was that I didn't feel any of these things. Rather, I found myself to be incredibly amused... Amused because for the first time in my life, I have the deep knowingness that this comment is the most absurd thing someone could say about me or anything I do. Someone could tell me that I have fifteen heads, purple scales and legs made of cotton candy and it would STILL make more sense than that.

I'll be honest here, I've spent plenty of time questioning my own value, whether it's because I haven't found the success I want, or look the way I'd like to, or manifested the stuff and relationships I've always wanted... and through the whole process, I kept wondering why it seemed like other people got to determine what I was worth and how valuable my ideas, work, music and LIFE were. How 'come all these other people get to set the hoops through which I must jump?

Finally, in the past few days, it finally hit me: Your opinions don't mean zip. I mean that in the most loving way. I'm the one who gets to choose, I'm the one who decides how I feel. Maybe I didn't see it before, but I do now and that's a wonderful thing. I couldn't think of a better use of an important milestone. Even more importantly, it's just the beginning -- I'm only just letting it sink in just how many amazing things about myself are there, how much I've grown and achieved and what mind blowing things are yet to come. I really am doing remarkably well. And so are you.

That's, 'Mr. President,' to you.

Believe It!

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl! It's just amazing what can happen when you give yourself a chance and start to believe... What an amazing reminder that the pieces can all fall into place when you let them.

I Wish I Knew...

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free...

Over at Rick's blog, he's talking about the many reasons he's not able to be himself in his day to day life. I won't elaborate because it's not my story to tell, but it's something I can definitely to which I can relate. I commented on his last entry with a question: What would it be like to be free? I've been asking myself that question a lot these days... but compared to the many moments I automatically conclude that it's just not possible, I don't ask that question nearly enough.

I wish I could break all the chains holding me...

Once upon a time I perhaps I believed that it was just about my sexuality -- I've known since a very early age and it was hard for me to deal with such a profound feeling of difference, that on a fundamental level I wasn't who I was told I was supposed to be. Of course I think it always went deeper than that. It was hard for me to walk into Kindergarten as one of the youngest students there and feel like, "Wait, I already get this and the people around me don't... something's not right here." Not sure how I came to the conclusion that if I could just try hard enough, be perfect enough, smart enough, maybe I could overcome the "different" part and earn the love I've always wanted.

I wish I could say all the things that I should say,
say 'em loud, say 'em clear for the whole world to hear.

But as the years roll on, it's become painfully clear that I'm not perfect. No matter how hard I've tried, it's never been enough. Somewhere along the line I went from, "How come I get this when the people around me don't?" to "Why don't things work for me? What am I missing?" Can't be that I haven't jumped through the right hoops... because I have. Can't be that I'm not willing to work hard... because I am.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart...

There've been so many people in my life whom I respect and love for so many reasons. Whether it's men or women, romantic or not... Maybe it's life as a Scorpio, but sometimes it's hard to explain what exactly what that means. At one point or another, I think I described myself as "loving fiercely." There are people I've encountered that I love with a depth I cannot possibly explain. But it's more than just being "in love" and romantic squooshiness. I've always wanted to be able to find that beautiful place, that love and joy and express it to the world. At my best, that's what I aspire to in my music.

Remove all the bars that keep us apart...

And yet, aside from family, it seems that the people I've loved the most have been the ones with whom I've been least able to express myself. Wherever my passion has been the strongest, so too has been my fear. The greater the love, the stronger the chains. For the past few years, it seems, my only solution is just not to love. In that, all that's left is disappointment, criticism, judgment and doubt. For too long it seems like arms' length is the closest I can come.

I wish you could know what it means to be me...

But that's not what's in my heart; it's never been who I really am. My voice has always been meant to be a voice of joy, of love, of celebration. Often times I seem to see things others don't -- I suppose I've wondered if maybe that's what has scared off some of those with whom I've longed to be close. Again, maybe it's just the Scorpio stereotype. Usually, what I've seen isn't something to be feared or despised. Rather, usually I see people trying to be strong even when they're scared, when they're doing the best they can. Sometimes it's where someone lets me catch them being themselves when they think other people aren't watching. Once in a while, it's someone sharing things they've not shared with someone else. Often, it's that the vulnerability, awkwardness and imperfection we try to hide is what makes us most beautiful.

then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

Job Security

Roots Before Branches

"So many things to do and say, but I can't seem to find my way... but I wanna know how..."

I don't know how many of you have been following my blog for any length of time. Among the beef haikus, music reviews and snarky observations, I suppose if anything sets it apart from any other blog out there it's because it's been my story. Mainly, it's been a story of searching and trying to find a place in this world. I don't know that I've let too much of that story make it out... part of it is just a natural guardedness, whether that's from growing up gay in a straight world, life as a Scorpio, and I'm sure there are other factors thrown in there as well. Part of it, however, has been my own self-judgment... a self-defeating perfectionism that tells me that my story isn't worth telling until I've found all the things I've been looking for. Well, let me tell you how well THAT'S going.

"I know I'm meant for something else, but first I gotta find myself...but I don't know how..."

I suppose it hasn't been until recently that I started noticing just how pervasive it was... that tiny habit of telling myself that I've got to have it all figured out before it's all worth telling. That little lie that nobody cares unless you have all the answers. The only thing is that that little lie becomes a real big lie when you tell it over and over again. What I never really saw is that it just gets reflected back at me all those times I've felt like I don't get noticed or appreciated or valued. It's always been easier to blame everyone else and blame myself for not being good enough, rather than set it all down and be willing to see myself in a different way.

"Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don't have wings to carry me that far?"

I've asked myself that question a million times. One of the best things about the past several years is that I've taken the time to really devote to myself and to really understand who I am. Sometimes that's come at the expense of the love I've longed for, for the meaningful work I've saught, the more meaningful friendships I've needed.

"I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before I know who I wanna be..."

I've kept looking for the one big thing that's been holding me back. I keep searching for the hidden trauma that keeps me tied down... I've been great at going back and facing all those big things. I'm a Scorpio, I excel at facing demons. The bigger the crusade, the harder I'll fight. The darkness doesn't scare me, I've stared it down many times. I don't fear losing what I have because I've lost those things and survived. Yet, at some point, you run out of demons. I keep searching and there just aren't any left.

"And faith to take chances, to live like I see... A place in this world for me."

I've spent so much time searching for my place in this world, constantly finding reasons why I could never possibly fit. So many times I've been willing to judge myself on the basis on what others think or how they respond. But now it's time to take a chance... to say that it's finally time to leave all the excuses behind and to let my place be here, to let my time be now, regardless of anything else. This is where I belong.

Hello 2009!

I know there are plenty of people out there who are making a list of promises for the New Year. This is certainly the time to do it -- if you're going to try to do things differently this is the logical place to start, right? While I have my own list of things I'd like to see happen this year, now that I stop and think about it, those particular really take a back seat to something a little bigger.

Around this time last year I decided that I needed to spend much less time paying attention to the things that drive me crazy. If you look around, there are people who will line up to tell you just what is wrong with you or this planet we're on. Hey, that's what sells newspapers, gets TV viewers and blog readers, right? So, I made a concerted effort to eliminate much of the negativity that passed my way. Did I eliminate all of it? No, but on the whole I think I did a pretty good job.

At the same time, I've spent a lot of time stuck on what I've chosen to see as the disappointments in my life. Notice that I said "chosen to see" because at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to interpret my life and everything that happens in it. I've spent time pretty down on myself because I haven't managed to turn my education, talent and experience into the type of work that makes me glad to wake up in the morning. That's not to say that a reasonable observer would be wrong in interpreting things that way... but as I was sitting here I realized that in parsing out things that way, I miss the rest of the story -- that since I graduated high school many moons ago, I've found so many different things to be involved in, different work environments and fields, made good friends and colleagues, as well as having experiences that have really helped me understand who I am and what I want. By constantly seeing that I haven't gotten where I want to go, I've been missing so much of what makes the journey worthwhile. There are plenty of areas in my life where I've made that same choice, whether it's relationships or friends or any of a million other things out there.

Last week I went to the movies and when I got out, I went to look for my car and for the life of me, couldn't find it. I knew the general area, but walked up and down the lanes of the parking lot searching without luck. After a while, I finally found it -- but it was much closer than I had expected it to be -- I had forgotten that I parked it as close as I had. As I made my way out of the lot, it really struck me as the answer to a question I've been asking quite a bit these days. What I've been looking for is much closer than I've expected it to be.

So, while 2008 was about trying to pay less attention to the external things I've used as a distraction from the things that are really important to me, I feel like this is the one thing that's been the biggest pattern that causes me to stumble. It's time to see the worth in myself that I've not been willing to acknowledge throughout most of my life. It's time to enjoy the great many things about my life that I just haven't bothered to enjoy because I haven't gotten where I've wanted to end up. It's such a small thing, but something that is so pervasive that I haven't realized just how far the pattern extended.

So, for 2009, regardless of what happens -- I intend to find the best in myself and in the world around me. That really IS the change I've been waiting for.

I Survived Light Rail

Yesterday was the grand opening for Valley Metro's new light rail service here in the Valley. It's a project that's been years in the making. My dad and I decided to head to downtown Phoenix to catch an exhibit at the Arizona Science Center and we figured that it would be a great opportunity to check out the new light rail system. We headed down to the Apache & Dorsey station because it was designated as a "Park & Ride" stop. We were greeted with a carnival-like atmosphere as there were a number of celebrations going on at several stations.

While I anticipated that people would come out on the first day, I hadn't realized that turnout would be as heavy as it was. While I heard reports of 2.5 hour waits, we managed to get the first train that stopped. That said, we were greeted with a train that was absolutely packed. It was a very un-Phoenix-like experience. Still, the riders seemed to be in good spirits -- the conductor would announce that he was closing the doors and would count down from 5 to 1 and the riders began counting down with him. The high point was crossing Tempe Town Lake and hearing the oohs and ahs as we glided over the water. Once we crossed into Phoenix, it became an actual clown car experience, as a clown made her way onto our already overcrowded car. I overheard a few passengers around me wishing physical violence on the wayward clown.

The trip back was a little more trying. I had hoped that perhaps things would settle down later in the day. I miscalculated. We headed for the 1st Avenue and Washington station after lunch. There were many more people than at the Apache & Dorsey station. The first train came and was full, I overheard some riders saying that they had seen several trains come and go and hadn't been able to get on. Officials at the station said that there was another train following in 5 or 10 minutes, but it ended up being around 20 minutes to the next train. Valley Metro was also running special buses along the light rail route for those who didn't want to wait, but as we saw those buses pass us by, they seemed as crowded as the light rail cars.

Fortunately, we were able to get on the second train, as I was determined to push my way on and make the trip back home. The trip back was less comfortable than the first -- the cars were more crowded on the way back, it seemed like everyone was tired and ready to get back home. I remember someone remarking that we were being herded like cattle, but I reminded him that because of a recent initiative passed, farm animals are required to have much more space for them to move.

Overall, I was very pleased with the experience. I'm glad they had so many people come out in support and I hope that people use it. I'm interested in seeing what the ridership is like once regular service starts. I'm also hoping they come to their senses and extend service on Friday and Saturday nights for people who want to hit the bars. I'm also interested in seeing how the areas around the line develop -- I'd have to believe that the land use around it is going to change quite a bit. It was a great start and I'm looking forward to seeing how things come together.

RIP Lwaxanna Troi

Or, more commonly known as Majel Barrett-Roddenberry. The wife of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry died at age 76, of leukemia.

I Know That's Right!

Seen today. The Universe is trying to tell me something!

It's Over!

Yes, We Did.

Fear and Hope

For me, one of the best things about this election is that it's given me tremendous insight into my own internal processes regarding my life. In many ways, this election has really mirrored much of what has been going on in my head regarding my life. From my vantage point, this is the fundamental issue of this election: Change vs. Fear.

Whether it's the country as a whole or certain aspects of my life, there's the general feeling that we're on the wrong track and something needs to change. Things could be, perhaps SHOULD be better. But as we all know, that doesn't happen unless we do something differently. And so, the opportunity for change presents itself.

Yet, we're confronted with opposition to the change we seek -- the mainstay of McCain's campaign has been the call of fear. At it's core the message is: Change is scary. It will be worse than it is now. The McCain campaign has used a variety of narratives to accomplish this -- because Obama looks different, he's secretly a radical/Muslim (ie terrorist)/America-hater. He's a Socialist! He's going to raise your taxes and the economy will collapse! Terrorists will attack the moment he's elected! He wants government to control every aspect of your life!

The easy answer is to point at these people as nutcases and just push forward. For the record, on a political level, DO I think these people are nutcases (this means YOU, Kevin & Patrick... just kidding!)? I certainly think most/all of the the conservative memes about Obama are neither credible nor compelling. At the same time, to dismiss these things out of hand misses the point.

If you believe that these things are true, that somehow Obama is some sort of Islamic Manchurian Candidate, then suddenly the case against change is quite a rational thing. If you believe that no despite how bad things are, the only possible alternative is catastrophic, then keeping things as they are is the logical choice. At that point -- you pull the lever to "reform" the current path and just do a better job, despite the evidence that what you've been doing before just isn't working.

I'll say this again -- I don't believe any of that on a political level, but on a personal level it really becomes enlightening because it highlights what I haven't been wanting to see about myself. In one of my previous entries that detailed one of my requests of the Universe, Alex responded, "Be careful what you ask for..." While I know his comments were in jest, the truth of it is, for every desire and hope for the future of my life, I fear each of them as much if not more than I desire them.

And like those conservatives out there who fear that somehow terrorists will strike the US again if Obama is elected, I have the events in my past that make the fear seem quite reasonable. Maybe these things will take me in a direction I don't want to go, maybe I won't be able to handle them, maybe I'll get my heart broken again. Maybe I'll repeat the mistakes of my past. Legitimate concerns, all of them.

I can't predict the future, I don't know exactly what is to come. I don't know the answers to questions that haven't been asked. In fact, sometimes I have trouble with answering the questions that HAVE been asked. So, it's no longer a mystery why I've been resisting the changes I've wanted for so long.

The one thing I DO know is that while I can't change the past, I am not the same person I was back then. I may not know what is to come, but I do know that I am much more now than I have ever been. I can feel the differences between who and where I was and who and where I am now. Even if things look the same on the outside, I know they're not.

Perhaps that seems like a flimsy reason to hope that things can be better. At the same time, I know what's changed, I know the work I've done. I also know that I'll never reach a point where everything is perfect, or where I won't make mistakes. I'm learning to be okay with that. I don't expect everything to change overnight, but I know the issues I need to confront. I'm not afraid to look at the fears that I've left hidden. Maybe that's not everything I need to get me where I want to go, but at least it's enough to let me take a step forward.

Happy Halloween?

I hope everybody had a good Halloween. Mine was uneventful, for the most part. The highlight of the evening was finding out some kids decided that tearing up our Obama sign would be a good Halloween trick. Fear not, I managed to tape the sign up and put it back out later that night.

That said, it sounds like the grumpy McCain supports are taking this election to the extreme... via Halloween tactics. Maybe this was the "October Surprise" they were talking about: According to an AP Press report, a woman in Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan decided that she was only giving out candy to kids whose parents supported John McCain. I shit you not.

According to TV station WJPK, Shirley Nagel posted a sign outside her house that read: "No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters." Apparently, it wasn't just an empty threat. Asked about turning away two kids, driven to tears, she explained, "Oh well. Everybody has a choice."

Wow. Sometimes the stereotypes prove themselves.

Dear Universe...

Dear Universe,

Hope you're doing well -- I just wanted to drop you a line. I'm sure you know my birthday is coming up. I've had quite a few people tell me that they get frustrated because I don't tell them what I'd like as a gift. FSM knows that I don't need any sweaters, candles, or bath products. As such, I figured I'd clear that up right now.

Ok, I know this one is straight and maybe 10 years too young for me, but you get the idea. You're the Universe and include everyone and everything in it, so just how hard can it be to find a little bit of something special for one of your favorites, right? Hell, if Sarah Palin can get $150k in clothes for spewing hatred and bile, certainly it's no effort to find me the husband of my dreams. I promise to feed him, keep him clean, and touch his bits n pieces, although not specifically in that order.

Oh yeah, and a new MacBook Pro. That would pretty much make for the best birthday ever.

Thanks and hope to see you at whatever sort of birthday celebration develops!

Love,

Marc

My Life's Motto

Found this past Friday night. I can't think of truer words.

Time to Choose

Arizona has already started sending out early voting ballots. In fact, mine just arrived in the mail today. I just filled mine out, although I haven't mailed it back yet. (It's only been here 15 min or so, not like I'm stalling, here.) In any event, I'm glad to be able to finally put my two cents in officially, even if I don't expect Arizona to end up in the Obama column.

While I'll enjoy watching the last few weeks of this drama play itself out, regardless of what happens (by that I mean, regardless of the margin of Obama's win), it's time to quit agonizing over the choices and just choose. Choose something and take a step in that direction. That's something I've needed in my life -- less contemplation about what direction I should go and more confidence in the notion that movement in whatever direction I've chosen will yield rewards. And while this particular choice is important, both for the country and those personal choices in my own life, the truth is that they're not the only choices I or we will ever make.

I guess that's the trick -- no matter how good a decision is, or how poor it is, there is always an opportunity to choose again. Sometimes I lose sight of that... sometimes I forget and think that the choices of the past bind me, when in truth I've always had the ability to go in whatever direction that really inspires me.

"Yes, there are two paths that you can go by,
but in the long run,
there's still time to change the road you're on."
- "Stairway to Heaven", Led Zepplin