Monday, June 25, 2007


I went over to watch a movie with Alex yesterday evening after a sleepless night and long day of reflection. He had read yesterday's blog entry and invited me over, although I think both of us were surprised that I accepted his invitation. Its not every day that you're confronted with the realization that your dreams have turned to dust yet again.

I woke up this morning with the nagging sense of things come apart. I'd love to feel angry or sad or have some sort of intensity and yet all I have is this vague sense of disappointment. As the day progressed, I could feel myself sinking, as if I was trying to push myself into that anger or sadness that weren't there on their own. I know how to deal with them, but this lingering doubt? Not so sure how to work my way out of that.

Finally, I decided that I had a choice to make -- I could sit around and wallow or I could start the work of dreaming of even bigger things. I'm reminded of the story of Father Sorin, the priest who founded the University of Notre Dame -- Sorin had spent his life building the University from nothing and at age 65, a fire had demolished the entire campus, save the church. They feared notifying Sorin, who was in Montreal at the time, for fear that the news might be too much for him to bear. When he returned, he gathered the community into the church and told them:

"The fire has been my fault. I came here with the vision of a great university and named it after the mother of Jesus. Then we built a large university, or so I thought. But she had to burn it to the ground to show me that my vision was too narrow and that I had dreamed too small a dream... Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

And so, while I stand before a much lesser defeat in my life, I am nonetheless faced with the same choice. The truth is that the worst is already over. Good things are already coming into form. I need only finish clearing the last of the rubble away so that something even more grand can come into being. And in those moments of darkness, disappointment and doubt, I need only remind myself of those words: "I had dreamed too small a dream. Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

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