Sunday, June 24, 2007

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?

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