Hello 2009!

I know there are plenty of people out there who are making a list of promises for the New Year. This is certainly the time to do it -- if you're going to try to do things differently this is the logical place to start, right? While I have my own list of things I'd like to see happen this year, now that I stop and think about it, those particular really take a back seat to something a little bigger.

Around this time last year I decided that I needed to spend much less time paying attention to the things that drive me crazy. If you look around, there are people who will line up to tell you just what is wrong with you or this planet we're on. Hey, that's what sells newspapers, gets TV viewers and blog readers, right? So, I made a concerted effort to eliminate much of the negativity that passed my way. Did I eliminate all of it? No, but on the whole I think I did a pretty good job.

At the same time, I've spent a lot of time stuck on what I've chosen to see as the disappointments in my life. Notice that I said "chosen to see" because at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to interpret my life and everything that happens in it. I've spent time pretty down on myself because I haven't managed to turn my education, talent and experience into the type of work that makes me glad to wake up in the morning. That's not to say that a reasonable observer would be wrong in interpreting things that way... but as I was sitting here I realized that in parsing out things that way, I miss the rest of the story -- that since I graduated high school many moons ago, I've found so many different things to be involved in, different work environments and fields, made good friends and colleagues, as well as having experiences that have really helped me understand who I am and what I want. By constantly seeing that I haven't gotten where I want to go, I've been missing so much of what makes the journey worthwhile. There are plenty of areas in my life where I've made that same choice, whether it's relationships or friends or any of a million other things out there.

Last week I went to the movies and when I got out, I went to look for my car and for the life of me, couldn't find it. I knew the general area, but walked up and down the lanes of the parking lot searching without luck. After a while, I finally found it -- but it was much closer than I had expected it to be -- I had forgotten that I parked it as close as I had. As I made my way out of the lot, it really struck me as the answer to a question I've been asking quite a bit these days. What I've been looking for is much closer than I've expected it to be.

So, while 2008 was about trying to pay less attention to the external things I've used as a distraction from the things that are really important to me, I feel like this is the one thing that's been the biggest pattern that causes me to stumble. It's time to see the worth in myself that I've not been willing to acknowledge throughout most of my life. It's time to enjoy the great many things about my life that I just haven't bothered to enjoy because I haven't gotten where I've wanted to end up. It's such a small thing, but something that is so pervasive that I haven't realized just how far the pattern extended.

So, for 2009, regardless of what happens -- I intend to find the best in myself and in the world around me. That really IS the change I've been waiting for.

I Survived Light Rail

Yesterday was the grand opening for Valley Metro's new light rail service here in the Valley. It's a project that's been years in the making. My dad and I decided to head to downtown Phoenix to catch an exhibit at the Arizona Science Center and we figured that it would be a great opportunity to check out the new light rail system. We headed down to the Apache & Dorsey station because it was designated as a "Park & Ride" stop. We were greeted with a carnival-like atmosphere as there were a number of celebrations going on at several stations.

While I anticipated that people would come out on the first day, I hadn't realized that turnout would be as heavy as it was. While I heard reports of 2.5 hour waits, we managed to get the first train that stopped. That said, we were greeted with a train that was absolutely packed. It was a very un-Phoenix-like experience. Still, the riders seemed to be in good spirits -- the conductor would announce that he was closing the doors and would count down from 5 to 1 and the riders began counting down with him. The high point was crossing Tempe Town Lake and hearing the oohs and ahs as we glided over the water. Once we crossed into Phoenix, it became an actual clown car experience, as a clown made her way onto our already overcrowded car. I overheard a few passengers around me wishing physical violence on the wayward clown.

The trip back was a little more trying. I had hoped that perhaps things would settle down later in the day. I miscalculated. We headed for the 1st Avenue and Washington station after lunch. There were many more people than at the Apache & Dorsey station. The first train came and was full, I overheard some riders saying that they had seen several trains come and go and hadn't been able to get on. Officials at the station said that there was another train following in 5 or 10 minutes, but it ended up being around 20 minutes to the next train. Valley Metro was also running special buses along the light rail route for those who didn't want to wait, but as we saw those buses pass us by, they seemed as crowded as the light rail cars.

Fortunately, we were able to get on the second train, as I was determined to push my way on and make the trip back home. The trip back was less comfortable than the first -- the cars were more crowded on the way back, it seemed like everyone was tired and ready to get back home. I remember someone remarking that we were being herded like cattle, but I reminded him that because of a recent initiative passed, farm animals are required to have much more space for them to move.

Overall, I was very pleased with the experience. I'm glad they had so many people come out in support and I hope that people use it. I'm interested in seeing what the ridership is like once regular service starts. I'm also hoping they come to their senses and extend service on Friday and Saturday nights for people who want to hit the bars. I'm also interested in seeing how the areas around the line develop -- I'd have to believe that the land use around it is going to change quite a bit. It was a great start and I'm looking forward to seeing how things come together.

It's Over!

Yes, We Did.

Prediction

Here's my Electoral College prediction...

Fear and Hope

For me, one of the best things about this election is that it's given me tremendous insight into my own internal processes regarding my life. In many ways, this election has really mirrored much of what has been going on in my head regarding my life. From my vantage point, this is the fundamental issue of this election: Change vs. Fear.

Whether it's the country as a whole or certain aspects of my life, there's the general feeling that we're on the wrong track and something needs to change. Things could be, perhaps SHOULD be better. But as we all know, that doesn't happen unless we do something differently. And so, the opportunity for change presents itself.

Yet, we're confronted with opposition to the change we seek -- the mainstay of McCain's campaign has been the call of fear. At it's core the message is: Change is scary. It will be worse than it is now. The McCain campaign has used a variety of narratives to accomplish this -- because Obama looks different, he's secretly a radical/Muslim (ie terrorist)/America-hater. He's a Socialist! He's going to raise your taxes and the economy will collapse! Terrorists will attack the moment he's elected! He wants government to control every aspect of your life!

The easy answer is to point at these people as nutcases and just push forward. For the record, on a political level, DO I think these people are nutcases (this means YOU, Kevin & Patrick... just kidding!)? I certainly think most/all of the the conservative memes about Obama are neither credible nor compelling. At the same time, to dismiss these things out of hand misses the point.

If you believe that these things are true, that somehow Obama is some sort of Islamic Manchurian Candidate, then suddenly the case against change is quite a rational thing. If you believe that no despite how bad things are, the only possible alternative is catastrophic, then keeping things as they are is the logical choice. At that point -- you pull the lever to "reform" the current path and just do a better job, despite the evidence that what you've been doing before just isn't working.

I'll say this again -- I don't believe any of that on a political level, but on a personal level it really becomes enlightening because it highlights what I haven't been wanting to see about myself. In one of my previous entries that detailed one of my requests of the Universe, Alex responded, "Be careful what you ask for..." While I know his comments were in jest, the truth of it is, for every desire and hope for the future of my life, I fear each of them as much if not more than I desire them.

And like those conservatives out there who fear that somehow terrorists will strike the US again if Obama is elected, I have the events in my past that make the fear seem quite reasonable. Maybe these things will take me in a direction I don't want to go, maybe I won't be able to handle them, maybe I'll get my heart broken again. Maybe I'll repeat the mistakes of my past. Legitimate concerns, all of them.

I can't predict the future, I don't know exactly what is to come. I don't know the answers to questions that haven't been asked. In fact, sometimes I have trouble with answering the questions that HAVE been asked. So, it's no longer a mystery why I've been resisting the changes I've wanted for so long.

The one thing I DO know is that while I can't change the past, I am not the same person I was back then. I may not know what is to come, but I do know that I am much more now than I have ever been. I can feel the differences between who and where I was and who and where I am now. Even if things look the same on the outside, I know they're not.

Perhaps that seems like a flimsy reason to hope that things can be better. At the same time, I know what's changed, I know the work I've done. I also know that I'll never reach a point where everything is perfect, or where I won't make mistakes. I'm learning to be okay with that. I don't expect everything to change overnight, but I know the issues I need to confront. I'm not afraid to look at the fears that I've left hidden. Maybe that's not everything I need to get me where I want to go, but at least it's enough to let me take a step forward.

The Latest

I've been a little quite lately here on the blog -- I haven't really felt inspired to post lately, so I figured I'd just let things sit for a bit. Nothing earth shattering going on -- I'm heading to Denver in a little under two weeks, which is exciting. Aside from that, I'm working on a new CD, which always takes a while.


One thing that I've really enjoyed getting involved with is a site called Kiva -- essentially, it's a program that makes microloans to individuals and groups in developing countries. The cool part about it is that it allows individuals to sign up to fund the individual loans in whole or in part. For example, a bunch of different people might come together to loan money to a group of farmers in Bolivia to buy more land and equipment to help farm... not just a nameless, faceless group, but THIS group of farmers pictured on the right.

What I love about this program is that instead of donating money to a charity and feeling like it's a drop in the bucket and wondering if it really makes a difference, you get to see exactly who you're helping and where the money goes. What makes it even more satisfying is that you also get to see as they repay the loans month by month, which lets you know that this program really is making a difference. Maybe it doesn't solve the world's problems all at once, but it's moving forward bit by bit. The other cool part is that once the loan is repaid, the amount you contributed is returned, so you can lend it again to someone else. It just keeps cycling through over and over again.

For me it's been a great reminder that change often comes in small steps like that, instead of big leaps. Sometimes I lose sight of that in my own life, as I keep hoping for those big leaps instead of being willing to keep taking those smaller steps. It all makes a difference.

And you too can make a difference (perhaps to this group of farmers or someone else) by visiting Kiva.

Refocus

"I don't know how to get close to you, Marc."

Not really sure how many people have said that to me before. I suppose I'm always a little thrown when someone says that to me because in my mind, I don't think it's really that hard... but deep down, I think I forget just how much I decide to hold back... then I wonder why I can't quite understand why people don't really "get" me. I'm not sure where it all came about, perhaps it's my Scorpio-ness, or growing up gay, or something else, I can't really put my finger on it.

All I know is that very early in my life, one morning I woke up and realized that I was different. It's like hearing that old Sesame Street song: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong..." and realizing, "Holy shit, they're talking about me." For a long time I figured that if I just tried hard enough, if I was just nice enough, if I can just figure out what they want, they won't notice. Yeah, I was pretty much fucked from the start. It only took me a good 27 years to finally realize just how pointless that was. It's taking a while longer to figure out a better way of going about life.

Yesterday was the most recent time I've had someone tell me they don't know how to get close to me -- specifically, the wise and unique Elsa P. I suppose the best way, in my own mind, is through the music I love. I feel like that's the truest way I know of understanding me -- it's really the only way I know that I can try to help someone feel what it's like to be me.

At the same time, after talking with Elsa, it became quite clear that it's a little too much to expect the world to understand what I'm doing off the bat, because it's like a code that nobody knows but me. The only way around that is to get off my ass and to actually talk about the things that are important to me -- a lot of that is going to be my music (how and why I do what I do) but a lot of the things to which I'm feeling some kind of connection. So while you'll still see beeves, haiku and assorted other stuff here on the blog (because I really do care about that stuff too), expect things around here to go in a little different direction.

In the back of my head, there's that little voice asking, "Why would you do that? Who are you to use this voice of yours?" What I'm learning to accept is that only one answer really makes any sense to me: "Because it's important to me. That has to be enough."

Back On Course

Last week I got a couple of emails from Alex noticing that I'd been rather quiet. Worse than that, I'd neglected my Beef Haikus for a couple of weeks. Naturally, he suspected the worst. "Are you ok?"

While I was still hacking up a little bit of phlegm from the cold I've had, truth be told, its really not like anything was going badly. It was more that I'd felt like I was in a fog and drifting off course, just going through the motions. Its not that I had much to complain about, more like a big round of, "Blah blah blah, my life isn't exactly as I'd like it, oh woe is me because nothing I do seems to make any difference." A little self pity goes a long way.

Over the weekend I decided it was time to do a little reality check. For all my talk about wanting my life to be different, I'd been spending an awful lot of time and energy on things that don't immediately impact my life. Culprit No. 1 - the election. Yes, I think its important, yes, it is interesting to see how things are playing out but do I really need to spend THAT much time keeping track of every minor occurrence? Whether its the election or a variety of other topics, spending time surfing the Internet marveling at how stupid things are... well, that's just a pretty unwise choice. I know better. How can I possibly expect to feel good about my life and the world when I'm spending so much time looking for things with which I'm dissatisfied?

Long story short, I know its time to stop fucking around. Instead of spending so much energy going back and forth and back and forth and back again, then wondering why I'm not making any progress, I'm ready to get my ass in gear and do the things I already know I need to do.

Echeblog Election 2008

Its election time, as if you didn't already know that. As much as I'm hoping Obama will become this country's next President, there are more pressing issues at hand. Specifically -- who is in line to be my husband. And so, I'm presenting Echeblog Election 2008! You guys will get to pick who you think would be the best fantasy husband for me. So, I now present the candidates!

Brady Quinn
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Brady (the one on the right) and I both attended the University of Notre Dame, though not at the same time. We're both Scorpios as well and that could either mean we're able to understand each other on a very deep level or it might be a recipe for disaster.

Michael Churchill
Ok, he's from New Jersey but he looks like he could have been one of the several hot Mormon kids I grew up with turned beef. The crystal blue eyes and blond fuzz stretched over the flawless chest pretty much embody every Junior High and High School fantasy I ever had. I don't know a damn thing about this guy, but with a face like that, does it really matter?

Gage Wilson
Ok, he's from Sean Cody and supposedly straight, but a) he's still having sex with guys and b) we're allowed to delete those
inconvenient details in an exercise like this.

Ben Browder
I didn't want you guys thinking that I was only going for the 20-something ones in this. Ah, Bens!

Jake Gyllenhaal
I love the beard, Jakey! I definitely think you traded up when you left Kirsten for Reese, but now its time to leave behind these foolish games and settle down with the right guy.

Let the campaigning begin!

Happy New Year!

Hope you guys had a happy and safe New Years Eve. I know New Years brings a lot of talk about possibilities and resolutions and the like. Here we are again talking about hopes and dreams for things to come. Honestly, I feel like 2008 has so much potential, but I've said that the past couple of years. So what makes this year any different?

The past few years have been a challenge for me -- I've seen things seem to come together so many times only to fall apart over and over again. I've come to fell like a lot of that came down to a lack of clarity... for the most part, I had really wanted things to be settled, to have what other people have -- a stable job, a relationship, a place to DJ, stuff like that. While this doesn't seem out of line, at the core of me, I can't help but realize now that I want so much more than that. But what? Where exactly do I want to go? That's the question I've struggled with for the past few years.

While the past few years have been frustrating, I'm coming to understand that they've help me come to understand just what it is I want. For the first time, I can honestly tell myself exactly what I'd like to do with the next several years of my life and it has nothing to do with a guy or a place or trying to shoehorn myself into a particular job or role. Instead, I've had the chance to stop and say, "This is the direction I want to go, this is what I want to create." I don't know how I'm gonna get there or what the next step is, but at the moment, I feel like this is the most important thing I could have done.

Huh?

Its a very simple question... Hillary Clinton, why do you want to be President?

"I think I have the best chance to win and I think I would be the best president. Whoever we nominate is going to have to be prepared to run a vigorous campaign against the full array of the Republican attack machine. I have been vetted for 15 years. You know everything about me probably including my blood type and there aren’t going to be any surprises. And I know what it takes to run against Republicans who are coming at you full bore and I know what it takes to beat them.

You know, when I ran for the Senate in 2000 I had a very vigorous campaign. I ran first against Mayor Giuliani and then he dropped out and then I ran against a young congressman who had the full force of the Republican party behind him. Between him and former Mayor Giuliani they raised and outspent me two to one. They ran ads against me accusing me of everything.

But I know what it takes to stand your ground and defeat Republicans and I have a track record that proves that. Nobody else has been through it in the way I have been through it. And I think it’s going to be important to have somebody who will be ready immediately in the campaign to stand up and fight back.

Secondly, for 35 years I have been working in the private sector, the advocacy world, as well as the public sector, on a broad range of experience that I think has given me the insight and understanding about how our country works and that will equip me to deal with the full range of problems we’re going to face.

And uniquely I have eight years of being in the White House as part of a presidential team working on issues from healthcare to welfare reform, to changing our adoption and foster care system, to representing our country around the world in more than 80 countries.

And it’s impossible to describe how difficult this job is on a daily basis because in the modern world it’s getting harder and harder because the demands are greater and you’ve got all kinds of incoming pressures every single minute of every single day.

And I have the experience now of having been on the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue when I won that first race for the Senate, much to everyone’s surprise who said that I wouldn’t. And then I went to work for the people who sent me to the Senate, the people of New York, to get results for them, to bring economic development to rural areas, to work with the family farms – we have 34,000 of them in New York – to bring broadband to rural areas, to look for ways to improve the lives of the people I represented. So that when I ran again I was re-elected with 67 per cent of the vote, in Republican areas as well as Democratic areas.

So my range of experience is broader and deeper and I think well equips me for doing the tough job we have to have done starting as soon as you’re inaugurated. We’re not going to have any time to waste, we’re not going to have any margin for error and I believe that I can be the president that we need starting on January 20th 2009 and I hope you’ll look at my website and look at what I’m proposing and keep your mind open. Thank you.”

Yeah, thanks for clearing that up.

World AIDS Day 2007

Rebuild

I went over to watch a movie with Alex yesterday evening after a sleepless night and long day of reflection. He had read yesterday's blog entry and invited me over, although I think both of us were surprised that I accepted his invitation. Its not every day that you're confronted with the realization that your dreams have turned to dust yet again.

I woke up this morning with the nagging sense of things come apart. I'd love to feel angry or sad or have some sort of intensity and yet all I have is this vague sense of disappointment. As the day progressed, I could feel myself sinking, as if I was trying to push myself into that anger or sadness that weren't there on their own. I know how to deal with them, but this lingering doubt? Not so sure how to work my way out of that.

Finally, I decided that I had a choice to make -- I could sit around and wallow or I could start the work of dreaming of even bigger things. I'm reminded of the story of Father Sorin, the priest who founded the University of Notre Dame -- Sorin had spent his life building the University from nothing and at age 65, a fire had demolished the entire campus, save the church. They feared notifying Sorin, who was in Montreal at the time, for fear that the news might be too much for him to bear. When he returned, he gathered the community into the church and told them:

"The fire has been my fault. I came here with the vision of a great university and named it after the mother of Jesus. Then we built a large university, or so I thought. But she had to burn it to the ground to show me that my vision was too narrow and that I had dreamed too small a dream... Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

And so, while I stand before a much lesser defeat in my life, I am nonetheless faced with the same choice. The truth is that the worst is already over. Good things are already coming into form. I need only finish clearing the last of the rubble away so that something even more grand can come into being. And in those moments of darkness, disappointment and doubt, I need only remind myself of those words: "I had dreamed too small a dream. Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?

Bad Habits

I know made this uber-optimistic entry a couple of days ago -- I was all geeked up about being willing to finally start living my life differently in order to bring about more enjoyable results. Albert Einstein once said that insanity meant "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Insights are wonderful and all, but when it comes down to it, unless you're willing to actually change what you're doing, nothing really changes.

Sometimes we get a reminder that even though we think things are different, we're still up to the same old bullshit. I wish change could come around easily (sometimes it does, I guess) but most of the time I think its mostly hard work. I guess my basic point is this -- its great to say you're ready for change in your life but that's not really true until you're ready to do what needs to be done and have the determination to see things through. One thing to remember is to never oppose a determined Scorpio. I'm done just talking.