Roots Before Branches

"So many things to do and say, but I can't seem to find my way... but I wanna know how..."

I don't know how many of you have been following my blog for any length of time. Among the beef haikus, music reviews and snarky observations, I suppose if anything sets it apart from any other blog out there it's because it's been my story. Mainly, it's been a story of searching and trying to find a place in this world. I don't know that I've let too much of that story make it out... part of it is just a natural guardedness, whether that's from growing up gay in a straight world, life as a Scorpio, and I'm sure there are other factors thrown in there as well. Part of it, however, has been my own self-judgment... a self-defeating perfectionism that tells me that my story isn't worth telling until I've found all the things I've been looking for. Well, let me tell you how well THAT'S going.

"I know I'm meant for something else, but first I gotta find myself...but I don't know how..."

I suppose it hasn't been until recently that I started noticing just how pervasive it was... that tiny habit of telling myself that I've got to have it all figured out before it's all worth telling. That little lie that nobody cares unless you have all the answers. The only thing is that that little lie becomes a real big lie when you tell it over and over again. What I never really saw is that it just gets reflected back at me all those times I've felt like I don't get noticed or appreciated or valued. It's always been easier to blame everyone else and blame myself for not being good enough, rather than set it all down and be willing to see myself in a different way.

"Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don't have wings to carry me that far?"

I've asked myself that question a million times. One of the best things about the past several years is that I've taken the time to really devote to myself and to really understand who I am. Sometimes that's come at the expense of the love I've longed for, for the meaningful work I've saught, the more meaningful friendships I've needed.

"I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before I know who I wanna be..."

I've kept looking for the one big thing that's been holding me back. I keep searching for the hidden trauma that keeps me tied down... I've been great at going back and facing all those big things. I'm a Scorpio, I excel at facing demons. The bigger the crusade, the harder I'll fight. The darkness doesn't scare me, I've stared it down many times. I don't fear losing what I have because I've lost those things and survived. Yet, at some point, you run out of demons. I keep searching and there just aren't any left.

"And faith to take chances, to live like I see... A place in this world for me."

I've spent so much time searching for my place in this world, constantly finding reasons why I could never possibly fit. So many times I've been willing to judge myself on the basis on what others think or how they respond. But now it's time to take a chance... to say that it's finally time to leave all the excuses behind and to let my place be here, to let my time be now, regardless of anything else. This is where I belong.

Hello 2009!

I know there are plenty of people out there who are making a list of promises for the New Year. This is certainly the time to do it -- if you're going to try to do things differently this is the logical place to start, right? While I have my own list of things I'd like to see happen this year, now that I stop and think about it, those particular really take a back seat to something a little bigger.

Around this time last year I decided that I needed to spend much less time paying attention to the things that drive me crazy. If you look around, there are people who will line up to tell you just what is wrong with you or this planet we're on. Hey, that's what sells newspapers, gets TV viewers and blog readers, right? So, I made a concerted effort to eliminate much of the negativity that passed my way. Did I eliminate all of it? No, but on the whole I think I did a pretty good job.

At the same time, I've spent a lot of time stuck on what I've chosen to see as the disappointments in my life. Notice that I said "chosen to see" because at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to interpret my life and everything that happens in it. I've spent time pretty down on myself because I haven't managed to turn my education, talent and experience into the type of work that makes me glad to wake up in the morning. That's not to say that a reasonable observer would be wrong in interpreting things that way... but as I was sitting here I realized that in parsing out things that way, I miss the rest of the story -- that since I graduated high school many moons ago, I've found so many different things to be involved in, different work environments and fields, made good friends and colleagues, as well as having experiences that have really helped me understand who I am and what I want. By constantly seeing that I haven't gotten where I want to go, I've been missing so much of what makes the journey worthwhile. There are plenty of areas in my life where I've made that same choice, whether it's relationships or friends or any of a million other things out there.

Last week I went to the movies and when I got out, I went to look for my car and for the life of me, couldn't find it. I knew the general area, but walked up and down the lanes of the parking lot searching without luck. After a while, I finally found it -- but it was much closer than I had expected it to be -- I had forgotten that I parked it as close as I had. As I made my way out of the lot, it really struck me as the answer to a question I've been asking quite a bit these days. What I've been looking for is much closer than I've expected it to be.

So, while 2008 was about trying to pay less attention to the external things I've used as a distraction from the things that are really important to me, I feel like this is the one thing that's been the biggest pattern that causes me to stumble. It's time to see the worth in myself that I've not been willing to acknowledge throughout most of my life. It's time to enjoy the great many things about my life that I just haven't bothered to enjoy because I haven't gotten where I've wanted to end up. It's such a small thing, but something that is so pervasive that I haven't realized just how far the pattern extended.

So, for 2009, regardless of what happens -- I intend to find the best in myself and in the world around me. That really IS the change I've been waiting for.

First Steps

I've been talking for a while about how I had been waiting for the next step to emerge. Prior to my trips back to Notre Dame and Philly it was looking like things in my life were standing on the brink. So, I asked the Universe to bring that next step for me once I got back from Philly, and to give me a very specific sign so that I know how to recognize this step.

As I waited at the Minneapolis airport (yes, I did look for the Larry Craig stall -- I don't think they had any signs or maps), I got a call out of the blue for some work that is somewhat out of my area of expertise. I decided to follow up because you just never know how these things play out. As it happened, the sign that I had asked from the Universe emerged, letting me know that this was, indeed, the step I had asked for. The step was there, I just had to take it.

One of the things I tried to take from my trips to ND and Philly was that I can try new and different things and have very good experiences, even if things don't always go as planned. I guess that's been one of the things I had used to hold myself back -- the fear of things going wrong. Well, sometimes things don't go as planned... actually, that happens a lot. At the same time, it was good for me to realize that I don't necessarily need to be "in control" of things to take advantage of them.

So with this new opportunity, there's still some of those lingering doubts and fears, but I've really tried to keep in mind these recent lessons. I'm tired of being afraid of the future -- there's too much cool stuff waiting for me. At some point, you have to stop waiting for things to be perfect because there's always going to be something that doesn't quite measure up. As long as I keep looking at the things that aren't quite to my liking, I miss all the rest of the cool stuff I'd otherwise enjoy.

Feelings

I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but the moment I woke up this morning, I had that gnawing in the pit of my stomach. I asked myself what it was about -- I hadn't had time to worry about anything yet or to think of anything negative. The only thing I had time to notice was that I was awake again, back in this life. WTF?

Leave it to Nina Simone to explain it all:

"As a robot gets herself together and we do it and we get to the middle where we have forgotten our feelings of love, you will help me, huh?"


Some days it takes a little effort to find those feelings of love again.

Trees

As soon as I felt like I started picking up some momentum, like I was getting a handle on things... WHAM! Like driving straight into a tree. Not a fun experience by any means, even less so when it seems like I've hit the same damn tree more times than I can count. I'm tired of feeling like my life is like Groundhog Day.

So this morning essentially began the way the night ended -- seething with resentment; weighed down with disappointment. In the past, it's taken few days in that mode before things finally cool down. I decided, however, that this time I wasn't going to be satisfied with spending another day stewing in my own bitterness. I decided that I was going to find a way to work my way out of this.

A couple of hours after I got up, my Dad asked me to help him with some work he was doing in the yard. If there's one thing I despise, it's yard work. That said, I've really been trying to quit bitching about those sorts of things and just get them done. Not that I enjoy it, but it's made things run a little more smoothly.

Anyway, after I pushed aside my normal annoyance at such things, I went to see what he wanted. There's a dead tree in the yard -- my grandfather, Tony, gave it to my parents shortly before he died -- shortly after I was born. It died last year, right after my Uncle, Tony Jr., passed. My Dad decided that today would be the day that we pulled that sucker out of the ground.

As soon as I heard what was going on, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Like I said earlier, it's the Universe speaks to me in metaphor. I've been working to uproot that dead fucking tree I keep running into and the Universe decided it was time to give me a few pointers.

One of the things I learned is that while the tree seems unmovable to begin with, you've got to dig a little and get at the roots. Once you can chop some of them, the tree starts to give way. You push at it and it's easy to tell which roots you need still to get. A little more hacking and then it finally collapses. Maybe that's obvious, but something about going through the physical process of actually uprooting a tree made things much more clear.

I've done a lot of work already, now I'm ready to do a little digging. That fucker's coming down.

It Depends - pt. 2

I'm going to break up the CD into a few more sections, for easier digestion.

Track 1 - Anthem (Cicada Mix) - Filo & Peri feat. Eric Lumiere

"This is an anthem for the girl that got away, this is an anthem for the war of yesterday..."

I ended up with this track after a friend asked me about it. I felt like it was the perfect way to start off the CD -- knowing that sometimes it is really easy for me to look back at life and see all the things that haven't worked out as planned. I doubt I'm unique in that, though I'm slowly coming to realize just how much energy I've tied up in old disappointment and resentment.

Track 2 - Perfect Color (Jason Tregebov Remix) - Tanto Project
(Available at Resonant Vibes)

"You're the perfect color in my life..."

This is an odd sort of melancholy love song with an electro vibe., which I really liked as a follow up to the last track -- on one hand I think it has a similar emotional feel to me -- a sense of longing for something lost... at the same time, I really wanted to remind myself of a larger point -- that so much of my experience is limited by those disappointments and resentments I've been carrying around. As long as I'm willing to continue carrying all that around, the sort of grey drabness is the perfect color for my life.

The other aspect that was important to me was the electro vibe. I'm not a big fan of electro -- many of the electro tracks I've heard have a difficult time conveying a sense of emotion, which is really the foundation of how I DJ. Fortunately, I felt like the electro aspects of this track really did a great job of conveying the sort of noisy, static-y feel I wanted.

Track 3 - It Depends (Sanya Shelest Remix) - Rocket 2 Mars

"How many years, how many days? It depends."

I love this track -- there's a reason I used it as the title track. A big chunk of the past few years of my life has been wanting things around me to change. Through it all I've asked myself when things would finally turn. As this track points out -- it depends. Getting back to the past couple of tracks, so much of it gets back to letting go of those things that have been holding me back. At the same time, I can't escape the fact that while it's much easier to keep doing things the way I've always done them, the responsibility still rests squarely on me.

Refocus

"I don't know how to get close to you, Marc."

Not really sure how many people have said that to me before. I suppose I'm always a little thrown when someone says that to me because in my mind, I don't think it's really that hard... but deep down, I think I forget just how much I decide to hold back... then I wonder why I can't quite understand why people don't really "get" me. I'm not sure where it all came about, perhaps it's my Scorpio-ness, or growing up gay, or something else, I can't really put my finger on it.

All I know is that very early in my life, one morning I woke up and realized that I was different. It's like hearing that old Sesame Street song: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong..." and realizing, "Holy shit, they're talking about me." For a long time I figured that if I just tried hard enough, if I was just nice enough, if I can just figure out what they want, they won't notice. Yeah, I was pretty much fucked from the start. It only took me a good 27 years to finally realize just how pointless that was. It's taking a while longer to figure out a better way of going about life.

Yesterday was the most recent time I've had someone tell me they don't know how to get close to me -- specifically, the wise and unique Elsa P. I suppose the best way, in my own mind, is through the music I love. I feel like that's the truest way I know of understanding me -- it's really the only way I know that I can try to help someone feel what it's like to be me.

At the same time, after talking with Elsa, it became quite clear that it's a little too much to expect the world to understand what I'm doing off the bat, because it's like a code that nobody knows but me. The only way around that is to get off my ass and to actually talk about the things that are important to me -- a lot of that is going to be my music (how and why I do what I do) but a lot of the things to which I'm feeling some kind of connection. So while you'll still see beeves, haiku and assorted other stuff here on the blog (because I really do care about that stuff too), expect things around here to go in a little different direction.

In the back of my head, there's that little voice asking, "Why would you do that? Who are you to use this voice of yours?" What I'm learning to accept is that only one answer really makes any sense to me: "Because it's important to me. That has to be enough."

Equivocation

I'm not really one who keeps on the cutting edge of gadgetry -- I usually leave that up to our beloved Bravehound. But lately I'd been jonesing about upgrading from the iPod mini I have... I definitely dig the iPod Touch and the iPhone. At the same time, my cell phone is getting a little beat up and its time for a new one.

I thought about the iPhone, I dig the design and functionality. The downside? I have T-Mobile and I have no desire to jump to AT&T. Hack it, you say? Ehh, I don't have the energy to get into the cat and mouse game that is required to stay ahead of Apple. Too much work. The other consideration is the lesson I got from buying the RAZR -- I hate being part of a trend. Sorry, iPhone, you're just too trendy.

So, I took a look at the Nokia N95 and really got turned on by it -- all the functionality I want, works on T-Mobile and has a 5 megapixel camera (with flash) to boot. Sounds like a marriage made in heaven, right? Nah, here's where the equivocation comes in. cue inner voice. "But its too expensive..." I wouldn't have a problem laying down $350 for an iPod touch and then a good $100-$150 for a decent phone. So what's my damage with paying the same amount for a cool gadget that does it all? Yeah, I asked myself the same thing. There's a week of my life I'll never get back.

The short of it is that the decision has been made, I should be getting it later this week. Like I said, I know its more Bravehound than echeblog, but I should have an unboxing video later this week.

Back On Course

Last week I got a couple of emails from Alex noticing that I'd been rather quiet. Worse than that, I'd neglected my Beef Haikus for a couple of weeks. Naturally, he suspected the worst. "Are you ok?"

While I was still hacking up a little bit of phlegm from the cold I've had, truth be told, its really not like anything was going badly. It was more that I'd felt like I was in a fog and drifting off course, just going through the motions. Its not that I had much to complain about, more like a big round of, "Blah blah blah, my life isn't exactly as I'd like it, oh woe is me because nothing I do seems to make any difference." A little self pity goes a long way.

Over the weekend I decided it was time to do a little reality check. For all my talk about wanting my life to be different, I'd been spending an awful lot of time and energy on things that don't immediately impact my life. Culprit No. 1 - the election. Yes, I think its important, yes, it is interesting to see how things are playing out but do I really need to spend THAT much time keeping track of every minor occurrence? Whether its the election or a variety of other topics, spending time surfing the Internet marveling at how stupid things are... well, that's just a pretty unwise choice. I know better. How can I possibly expect to feel good about my life and the world when I'm spending so much time looking for things with which I'm dissatisfied?

Long story short, I know its time to stop fucking around. Instead of spending so much energy going back and forth and back and forth and back again, then wondering why I'm not making any progress, I'm ready to get my ass in gear and do the things I already know I need to do.

Counterpoint

Super Tuesday is tomorrow and Scott-O-Rama and This Boy Elroy are featuring articles on why they support Hillary Clinton. I decided to give everyone a little counterpoint and explain why I support Barack Obama and urge everyone to take another look at him if you haven't already.

This country needs change. We all know it. In 2004 many of us tried but ultimately, the rallying cry of "anybody but Bush" just wasn't enough. While George W. Bush will be gone after this election, America has been traveling down the wrong road for a while. We can point to the war, mismanagement and corruption or a whole host of bad decisions over the past several years, but these are only symptoms.

At the root of things is the notion that America is somehow at war with itself; that our fellow citizens with which we disagree are our enemies. For too long we've justified reaching political power by whatever means necessary, forgetting that the damage done in the process outweighs whatever possible good that could be achieved. We have been content for our politics to include the few for the benefit of the few. Some of these tendencies are as old as the nation itself, as we have harbored our divisions for much of our history.

Certainly, the challenges facing our country are significant. Implicit in this coming election is whether we can possibly surmount what lies ahead as a nation divided or choose a new path that brings our nation back together. Let me be clear: Neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton will solve all our nation's problems, nor can the solutions that we require be imposed by will alone. True change will only come about by working together.

The irony of this primary is that even though people seem to want change, many who are calling for change are also convinced that we need an "expert" instead of an "amateur," especially when that experience boils down to, "I can spin better, I can outmaneuver, I can beat those guys, I play the game better than they do." While that might have been good enough in 1992 or 1996, hopefully we've learned an important lesson: that we have to work with "those guys" to achieve real solutions instead of political quick fixes. Winning the election isn't enough.

I believe the choice is simple: do you want change or would you prefer the comfort of what you know? Do we play the same tired, old game for another four years? I'm ready for a new direction. I'm ready for Barack Obama.

Yes, We Can.

Haitus

Relax, not blogging or beef haitus. One of the things I've tried to do in the past few years of my life has been to weed out the stuff that drives me crazy -- that's included a number of people, living situations, jobs, stuff like that. By and large, its been a good thing -- I don't miss the drama. Yesterday I took the next step and decided I would not read the news.

Imagine -- large, multinational organizations that scour the globe to find things in order to convince you that the world is a fucked up place. Do I really need to know that Britney was spotted in Mexico humping a chihuahua? Not at all. Do I really need to know the Grand Wizard of Transylvania declared jihad on people named Clyde? Absolutely not. Is it crucial for me to hear which jabs Hillary and Obama have launched at each other yesterday? Ehh, it might be amuzing, but crucial? Nope. By and large, these things have absolutely no impact on my life. Even most of the stuff that's happening in town, like the wild dingoes eating babies, just doesn't concern me. In fact, by and large, my life works pretty darn well.

So, after 24 hours or so, how is it going? Truth be told, its been a challenge -- I don't think I realized just how much time I spent on news related stuff -- not just the news but people's reactions to and opinions about the news... and people's opinions about people's opinions... etc. I still find myself habitually about to check in with the latest goings on and opinions and then I stop myself. But overall, its been a great experience -- many fewer voices shouting at me that life is somehow broken.

There's still a little part of me that whispers, "You need to be informed... its selfish to not know what's going on around you." Selfish? You're goddamn right.

Echeblog Election 2008

Its election time, as if you didn't already know that. As much as I'm hoping Obama will become this country's next President, there are more pressing issues at hand. Specifically -- who is in line to be my husband. And so, I'm presenting Echeblog Election 2008! You guys will get to pick who you think would be the best fantasy husband for me. So, I now present the candidates!

Brady Quinn
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Brady (the one on the right) and I both attended the University of Notre Dame, though not at the same time. We're both Scorpios as well and that could either mean we're able to understand each other on a very deep level or it might be a recipe for disaster.

Michael Churchill
Ok, he's from New Jersey but he looks like he could have been one of the several hot Mormon kids I grew up with turned beef. The crystal blue eyes and blond fuzz stretched over the flawless chest pretty much embody every Junior High and High School fantasy I ever had. I don't know a damn thing about this guy, but with a face like that, does it really matter?

Gage Wilson
Ok, he's from Sean Cody and supposedly straight, but a) he's still having sex with guys and b) we're allowed to delete those
inconvenient details in an exercise like this.

Ben Browder
I didn't want you guys thinking that I was only going for the 20-something ones in this. Ah, Bens!

Jake Gyllenhaal
I love the beard, Jakey! I definitely think you traded up when you left Kirsten for Reese, but now its time to leave behind these foolish games and settle down with the right guy.

Let the campaigning begin!

Happy New Year!

Hope you guys had a happy and safe New Years Eve. I know New Years brings a lot of talk about possibilities and resolutions and the like. Here we are again talking about hopes and dreams for things to come. Honestly, I feel like 2008 has so much potential, but I've said that the past couple of years. So what makes this year any different?

The past few years have been a challenge for me -- I've seen things seem to come together so many times only to fall apart over and over again. I've come to fell like a lot of that came down to a lack of clarity... for the most part, I had really wanted things to be settled, to have what other people have -- a stable job, a relationship, a place to DJ, stuff like that. While this doesn't seem out of line, at the core of me, I can't help but realize now that I want so much more than that. But what? Where exactly do I want to go? That's the question I've struggled with for the past few years.

While the past few years have been frustrating, I'm coming to understand that they've help me come to understand just what it is I want. For the first time, I can honestly tell myself exactly what I'd like to do with the next several years of my life and it has nothing to do with a guy or a place or trying to shoehorn myself into a particular job or role. Instead, I've had the chance to stop and say, "This is the direction I want to go, this is what I want to create." I don't know how I'm gonna get there or what the next step is, but at the moment, I feel like this is the most important thing I could have done.

Contrast and Clarity

I confess that over the past year I've questioned myself and wondered if I was moving in the right direction. I've tried to keep faith that things are progressing as they should but many times its seemed like maybe I was going backward.

A year ago I was at a job that I felt pretty good about with hopes that they would want to keep me on a permanent basis, I had my residency at Miami, as well as a guy in my sights that I felt was really special and the hope that things between us could develop. Exactly one year later, delete all three. You can see where I might have come up with the idea that maybe things were going in reverse. Its rare that the Universe gives me such a clear measuring stick as tonight to show me the truth of things -- that I really am on the right track.

Flash back one year ago this morning--
It had been a long night. After a night of holiday celebration I had gone to Charlie's with a friend to finish the evening. We had run into the object of my affection and while we had a good few moments together to talk and I had gotten that sense of connection that I just don't get from anyone else, I was still battling the truth that things just weren't progressing the way I had hoped. My friend, trying to be helpful in that very drunk sort of way, had mentioned that he thought he had seen him at Charlie's the week before macking on someone. Though I was under no illusion that we were any more than friends, hearing this was more than I could bear. As I made my way home, angry and very hurt, I narrowly missed a collision in front of me on the freeway. Though I managed to get out of it physically unharmed, Anderson, my beloved MINI Cooper, was not so lucky. As I would later find out, he was damaged beyond repair. I made the dreaded late night call to my parents to come pick me up and spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company, though most of the time I just kept wondering how I could have let myself get so out of control.

And now the present day--
Its as though I got the chance to replay the night. A night of holiday festivities ended at Charlie's, though I usually avoid the place. I thought I would get through the evening unscathed, he was there with his boyfriend, who I've known about for about 6 months or so. Again, we had a few moments to to talk, that sense of connection I don't get from anyone else... I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with the reality that things just never went the way I would have liked and I've tried to convince myself that I was over him... but truth is that in my heart I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things change so that we could be together... but its hard to ignore his boyfriend staring me in the face... especially after his boyfriend remarks that we kind of look alike in some ways.

And though I wish I could say that I saw him and was delighted that my feelings had changed and that it was clear that I had moved on, it still hurts. Yet confronted with what I had been trying to avoid for a very long time, Nigel (the new MINI Cooper) and I made our way home safely, calmly (if a little heartbroken) and somewhat appreciative that I got to see him and thankful that he seems happy.

Even though there are many things in my life I would love to change -- the love and relationship I've always wanted, the kind of work I've been seeking, the rebirth of my DJing career -- this night has really highlighted just how far I've come. Perhaps its cliché and I get tired of hearing it let alone telling myself, but I know that this whole process has been an exercise in coming to find myself and that deep self-appreciation I had lacked. While I've wished that it would show up in my external world, perhaps I'm finally to know instead of just trying to believe that in the face of everything I've lost, I've really come to find more than I ever have before.

Huh?

Its a very simple question... Hillary Clinton, why do you want to be President?

"I think I have the best chance to win and I think I would be the best president. Whoever we nominate is going to have to be prepared to run a vigorous campaign against the full array of the Republican attack machine. I have been vetted for 15 years. You know everything about me probably including my blood type and there aren’t going to be any surprises. And I know what it takes to run against Republicans who are coming at you full bore and I know what it takes to beat them.

You know, when I ran for the Senate in 2000 I had a very vigorous campaign. I ran first against Mayor Giuliani and then he dropped out and then I ran against a young congressman who had the full force of the Republican party behind him. Between him and former Mayor Giuliani they raised and outspent me two to one. They ran ads against me accusing me of everything.

But I know what it takes to stand your ground and defeat Republicans and I have a track record that proves that. Nobody else has been through it in the way I have been through it. And I think it’s going to be important to have somebody who will be ready immediately in the campaign to stand up and fight back.

Secondly, for 35 years I have been working in the private sector, the advocacy world, as well as the public sector, on a broad range of experience that I think has given me the insight and understanding about how our country works and that will equip me to deal with the full range of problems we’re going to face.

And uniquely I have eight years of being in the White House as part of a presidential team working on issues from healthcare to welfare reform, to changing our adoption and foster care system, to representing our country around the world in more than 80 countries.

And it’s impossible to describe how difficult this job is on a daily basis because in the modern world it’s getting harder and harder because the demands are greater and you’ve got all kinds of incoming pressures every single minute of every single day.

And I have the experience now of having been on the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue when I won that first race for the Senate, much to everyone’s surprise who said that I wouldn’t. And then I went to work for the people who sent me to the Senate, the people of New York, to get results for them, to bring economic development to rural areas, to work with the family farms – we have 34,000 of them in New York – to bring broadband to rural areas, to look for ways to improve the lives of the people I represented. So that when I ran again I was re-elected with 67 per cent of the vote, in Republican areas as well as Democratic areas.

So my range of experience is broader and deeper and I think well equips me for doing the tough job we have to have done starting as soon as you’re inaugurated. We’re not going to have any time to waste, we’re not going to have any margin for error and I believe that I can be the president that we need starting on January 20th 2009 and I hope you’ll look at my website and look at what I’m proposing and keep your mind open. Thank you.”

Yeah, thanks for clearing that up.

World AIDS Day 2007

Just Breathe

I can't speak for anyone else but I admit that I've been letting life get to me a bit lately. Its not so much that things aren't going well, more of just me deciding to pick a fight with the way life is at the moment. In any event, I've needed a reminder to relax and just let things be, hence the new CD. Hope you enjoy.

Rebuild

I went over to watch a movie with Alex yesterday evening after a sleepless night and long day of reflection. He had read yesterday's blog entry and invited me over, although I think both of us were surprised that I accepted his invitation. Its not every day that you're confronted with the realization that your dreams have turned to dust yet again.

I woke up this morning with the nagging sense of things come apart. I'd love to feel angry or sad or have some sort of intensity and yet all I have is this vague sense of disappointment. As the day progressed, I could feel myself sinking, as if I was trying to push myself into that anger or sadness that weren't there on their own. I know how to deal with them, but this lingering doubt? Not so sure how to work my way out of that.

Finally, I decided that I had a choice to make -- I could sit around and wallow or I could start the work of dreaming of even bigger things. I'm reminded of the story of Father Sorin, the priest who founded the University of Notre Dame -- Sorin had spent his life building the University from nothing and at age 65, a fire had demolished the entire campus, save the church. They feared notifying Sorin, who was in Montreal at the time, for fear that the news might be too much for him to bear. When he returned, he gathered the community into the church and told them:

"The fire has been my fault. I came here with the vision of a great university and named it after the mother of Jesus. Then we built a large university, or so I thought. But she had to burn it to the ground to show me that my vision was too narrow and that I had dreamed too small a dream... Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

And so, while I stand before a much lesser defeat in my life, I am nonetheless faced with the same choice. The truth is that the worst is already over. Good things are already coming into form. I need only finish clearing the last of the rubble away so that something even more grand can come into being. And in those moments of darkness, disappointment and doubt, I need only remind myself of those words: "I had dreamed too small a dream. Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?