Friday, July 18, 2008

Oh. My. God. We're. All. Going. To. Die.

Last week, Adam and I went to go see Hellboy 2-it was opening day and we didn't get to the theater early, so there weren't any decent seats. We decided that rather than split up or trying to squeeze in between a group of very geeky breeders, we'd suck it up and just sit in the front row. We were immediately punished by the Universe, first by a wave of nausea from being so close to the screen and then by a preview of the new Nicholas Cage flick - Bankok Dangerous. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Nicholas Cage is looking AWFUL. He looks even worse when you're RIGHT in front of the screen.

Right before the movie started, we had another treat -- a preview for the latest bad horror flick - Quarantine. Essentially, it's a bunch of people locked up in an apartment building who all die in some unspeakably gruesome manner, shot in the style of The Blair Witch Project. Oh boy.

Several months ago, while watching BSG at Alex's, there was a commercial for some horror flick I never bothered to watch: I think it was Cloverfield - another bad horror flick shot in The Blair Witch Project style. The hallmark of these films, in my opinion, is the idea that if the actors just scream a LITTLE LOUDER then the audience will know they're supposed to be scared. From that point on, any time I encounter a horror flick, I always blurt out in monotone: "oh. my. god. we're. all. going. to. die."

The Quarantine preview was no exception. Having just seen the preview of the new Nicholas Cage film, however, I was struck with brilliance -- if you took Quarantine and tweaked the plot to include Nicholas Cage as an lich who must eat the beating hearts of the protagonists in order to maintain the illusion of humanity and keep flesh over his skeletal frame, you'd have a pretty good film. I'd pay to see that.

At that point, I thought I had come up with the ultimate horror film. I was wrong.

Today, Alex pointed out yet another outlandish new horror film in the works: Cthulu. While the trailer I watched did not appear to include a creature with a squid for a head, it did have something even more brilliant for a horror film -- Tori Spelling.

Now before you get the idea that I'm comparing Tori Spelling with a mythical source of all evil, don't misunderstand me. I like Tori Spelling. Her performance in Trick forever changed the way I looked at her -- here's someone who can embrace her status as a B-movie actress and knows that her daddy paid good money for those breasts. She is the quintessential sort of actress for a horror flick.

So today I told Alex my new rule: All horror flicks star Tori Spelling and are titled, "oh. my. god. we're. all. going. to. die." Throw in a flesh-eating Nicholas Cage and now we really DO have the ultimate horror flick.

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