Milestones

This is a bit of a milestone here at echeblog -- my 1000th entry. I thought about commemorating it right after the Inauguration or with a beef haiku... but neither of those felt right. After all, above anything else, this blog is about ME. It's my story, it's a reflection of me, not of beeves, of politics or celebrities or even of music. I wanted to use this moment to do something special. I thought about it for a few days and the idea really crystalized this afternoon. I had been trying to figure out how to pull it off, and then circumstance intervened. I received this comment a few minutes ago that was just perfect:

"Your blog is absolutely pointless. Have you realized that you live a trite and meaningless life, or has the fact continued to evade your conscious mind? What a waste of natural resources your (as well as you family's I presume) existence represents. Do the world a favor and bring an abrupt cessation to your existence."

So, you might think to yourself, "That's horrible!" or "What a dick!" or "Hey, he's right!" At earlier parts in my life, maybe I would have felt hurt, angry, annoyed or maybe defensive... deep down, I might have even agreed. What struck me was that I didn't feel any of these things. Rather, I found myself to be incredibly amused... Amused because for the first time in my life, I have the deep knowingness that this comment is the most absurd thing someone could say about me or anything I do. Someone could tell me that I have fifteen heads, purple scales and legs made of cotton candy and it would STILL make more sense than that.

I'll be honest here, I've spent plenty of time questioning my own value, whether it's because I haven't found the success I want, or look the way I'd like to, or manifested the stuff and relationships I've always wanted... and through the whole process, I kept wondering why it seemed like other people got to determine what I was worth and how valuable my ideas, work, music and LIFE were. How 'come all these other people get to set the hoops through which I must jump?

Finally, in the past few days, it finally hit me: Your opinions don't mean zip. I mean that in the most loving way. I'm the one who gets to choose, I'm the one who decides how I feel. Maybe I didn't see it before, but I do now and that's a wonderful thing. I couldn't think of a better use of an important milestone. Even more importantly, it's just the beginning -- I'm only just letting it sink in just how many amazing things about myself are there, how much I've grown and achieved and what mind blowing things are yet to come. I really am doing remarkably well. And so are you.

Roots Before Branches

"So many things to do and say, but I can't seem to find my way... but I wanna know how..."

I don't know how many of you have been following my blog for any length of time. Among the beef haikus, music reviews and snarky observations, I suppose if anything sets it apart from any other blog out there it's because it's been my story. Mainly, it's been a story of searching and trying to find a place in this world. I don't know that I've let too much of that story make it out... part of it is just a natural guardedness, whether that's from growing up gay in a straight world, life as a Scorpio, and I'm sure there are other factors thrown in there as well. Part of it, however, has been my own self-judgment... a self-defeating perfectionism that tells me that my story isn't worth telling until I've found all the things I've been looking for. Well, let me tell you how well THAT'S going.

"I know I'm meant for something else, but first I gotta find myself...but I don't know how..."

I suppose it hasn't been until recently that I started noticing just how pervasive it was... that tiny habit of telling myself that I've got to have it all figured out before it's all worth telling. That little lie that nobody cares unless you have all the answers. The only thing is that that little lie becomes a real big lie when you tell it over and over again. What I never really saw is that it just gets reflected back at me all those times I've felt like I don't get noticed or appreciated or valued. It's always been easier to blame everyone else and blame myself for not being good enough, rather than set it all down and be willing to see myself in a different way.

"Oh, why do I reach for the stars when I don't have wings to carry me that far?"

I've asked myself that question a million times. One of the best things about the past several years is that I've taken the time to really devote to myself and to really understand who I am. Sometimes that's come at the expense of the love I've longed for, for the meaningful work I've saught, the more meaningful friendships I've needed.

"I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before I know who I wanna be..."

I've kept looking for the one big thing that's been holding me back. I keep searching for the hidden trauma that keeps me tied down... I've been great at going back and facing all those big things. I'm a Scorpio, I excel at facing demons. The bigger the crusade, the harder I'll fight. The darkness doesn't scare me, I've stared it down many times. I don't fear losing what I have because I've lost those things and survived. Yet, at some point, you run out of demons. I keep searching and there just aren't any left.

"And faith to take chances, to live like I see... A place in this world for me."

I've spent so much time searching for my place in this world, constantly finding reasons why I could never possibly fit. So many times I've been willing to judge myself on the basis on what others think or how they respond. But now it's time to take a chance... to say that it's finally time to leave all the excuses behind and to let my place be here, to let my time be now, regardless of anything else. This is where I belong.

Hello 2009!

I know there are plenty of people out there who are making a list of promises for the New Year. This is certainly the time to do it -- if you're going to try to do things differently this is the logical place to start, right? While I have my own list of things I'd like to see happen this year, now that I stop and think about it, those particular really take a back seat to something a little bigger.

Around this time last year I decided that I needed to spend much less time paying attention to the things that drive me crazy. If you look around, there are people who will line up to tell you just what is wrong with you or this planet we're on. Hey, that's what sells newspapers, gets TV viewers and blog readers, right? So, I made a concerted effort to eliminate much of the negativity that passed my way. Did I eliminate all of it? No, but on the whole I think I did a pretty good job.

At the same time, I've spent a lot of time stuck on what I've chosen to see as the disappointments in my life. Notice that I said "chosen to see" because at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to interpret my life and everything that happens in it. I've spent time pretty down on myself because I haven't managed to turn my education, talent and experience into the type of work that makes me glad to wake up in the morning. That's not to say that a reasonable observer would be wrong in interpreting things that way... but as I was sitting here I realized that in parsing out things that way, I miss the rest of the story -- that since I graduated high school many moons ago, I've found so many different things to be involved in, different work environments and fields, made good friends and colleagues, as well as having experiences that have really helped me understand who I am and what I want. By constantly seeing that I haven't gotten where I want to go, I've been missing so much of what makes the journey worthwhile. There are plenty of areas in my life where I've made that same choice, whether it's relationships or friends or any of a million other things out there.

Last week I went to the movies and when I got out, I went to look for my car and for the life of me, couldn't find it. I knew the general area, but walked up and down the lanes of the parking lot searching without luck. After a while, I finally found it -- but it was much closer than I had expected it to be -- I had forgotten that I parked it as close as I had. As I made my way out of the lot, it really struck me as the answer to a question I've been asking quite a bit these days. What I've been looking for is much closer than I've expected it to be.

So, while 2008 was about trying to pay less attention to the external things I've used as a distraction from the things that are really important to me, I feel like this is the one thing that's been the biggest pattern that causes me to stumble. It's time to see the worth in myself that I've not been willing to acknowledge throughout most of my life. It's time to enjoy the great many things about my life that I just haven't bothered to enjoy because I haven't gotten where I've wanted to end up. It's such a small thing, but something that is so pervasive that I haven't realized just how far the pattern extended.

So, for 2009, regardless of what happens -- I intend to find the best in myself and in the world around me. That really IS the change I've been waiting for.

Dear Universe...

Dear Universe,

Hope you're doing well -- I just wanted to drop you a line. I'm sure you know my birthday is coming up. I've had quite a few people tell me that they get frustrated because I don't tell them what I'd like as a gift. FSM knows that I don't need any sweaters, candles, or bath products. As such, I figured I'd clear that up right now.

Ok, I know this one is straight and maybe 10 years too young for me, but you get the idea. You're the Universe and include everyone and everything in it, so just how hard can it be to find a little bit of something special for one of your favorites, right? Hell, if Sarah Palin can get $150k in clothes for spewing hatred and bile, certainly it's no effort to find me the husband of my dreams. I promise to feed him, keep him clean, and touch his bits n pieces, although not specifically in that order.

Oh yeah, and a new MacBook Pro. That would pretty much make for the best birthday ever.

Thanks and hope to see you at whatever sort of birthday celebration develops!

Love,

Marc

Welcome to Wonderfalls

A couple of months ago, I was spending the day with Alex, who was recovering from some minor surgery. He had recently got a short-lived TV series on DVD, called Wonderfalls. It never made it past the first 4 or 5 episodes and I had never even known it existed. I'm figuring that most of America hasn't either.

It took me a few episodes to finally get into it -- I missed the first couple of episodes, so there was a lot of "WTF?" Once I got past that, I found that I really resonated with the underlying story.

Wonderfalls centers on a young twentysomething living in Niagra Falls, named Jaye. She's got an Ivy League education, works in a dead end job at a local gift shop and lives in a trailer. The series includes a lot of her incredibly odd and dysfunctional family, and while at first she's painted as this pathetic slacker with no ambition, the show goes to great pains to make you understand that she's always been the outcast and that she's trying to choose a different path from her family: her right wing, George W. Bush loving (and still surprisingly lovable) doctor that is her father; her mother, who is a neurotic, well-known author; closeted lesbian-immigration attorney sister; and brother who happens to be a Ph.D. student in Theology and an atheist.

The crux of the show is that one day at work, Jaye is outside at lunch and chokes -- while she manages to dislodge the food, when she returns to work, suddenly things are different -- a wax lion from the vending machine in her store speaks to her. We're not talking Joan of Arcadia, "Yes, Joan, this is God, and listen to me while I pontificate..." Instead, the wax lion tells her not to give a customer her money back.

There's a lot more that I love about this show and I plan on talking about it more, just because there are so many different aspects that I love. But at it's core, it's a story about a very intelligent, talented girl who's grown up choosing to withdraw from the world, keeping most everyone at a distance. The stories Wonderfalls presents are about how the Universe finally starts to push Jaye in a different direction, one where she's forced to interact with the world in new ways and open up to those around her, despite the fact that all the while she's afraid that she's going crazy... and despite the fact that she's usually trying to fight the whole process.

Not only is she's worried she's going crazy, she's also dealing with the chemistry with the charming, emotionally available, though on the rebound Eric, played by the adorable Tyron Leitso.

While I don't live in a trailer, I can't help but see a lot of myself in Jaye and the struggle she's going through. In the first episode she explains her basic worldview: "Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all." I guess I've hit that point as well... and I haven't quite found a better solution... except for the insistent nudges the Universe keeps giving me, sending me in directions that don't necessarily feel like the direction I think I want to go and yet somehow always seem to work out in ways I don't really expect.

Refocus

"I don't know how to get close to you, Marc."

Not really sure how many people have said that to me before. I suppose I'm always a little thrown when someone says that to me because in my mind, I don't think it's really that hard... but deep down, I think I forget just how much I decide to hold back... then I wonder why I can't quite understand why people don't really "get" me. I'm not sure where it all came about, perhaps it's my Scorpio-ness, or growing up gay, or something else, I can't really put my finger on it.

All I know is that very early in my life, one morning I woke up and realized that I was different. It's like hearing that old Sesame Street song: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong..." and realizing, "Holy shit, they're talking about me." For a long time I figured that if I just tried hard enough, if I was just nice enough, if I can just figure out what they want, they won't notice. Yeah, I was pretty much fucked from the start. It only took me a good 27 years to finally realize just how pointless that was. It's taking a while longer to figure out a better way of going about life.

Yesterday was the most recent time I've had someone tell me they don't know how to get close to me -- specifically, the wise and unique Elsa P. I suppose the best way, in my own mind, is through the music I love. I feel like that's the truest way I know of understanding me -- it's really the only way I know that I can try to help someone feel what it's like to be me.

At the same time, after talking with Elsa, it became quite clear that it's a little too much to expect the world to understand what I'm doing off the bat, because it's like a code that nobody knows but me. The only way around that is to get off my ass and to actually talk about the things that are important to me -- a lot of that is going to be my music (how and why I do what I do) but a lot of the things to which I'm feeling some kind of connection. So while you'll still see beeves, haiku and assorted other stuff here on the blog (because I really do care about that stuff too), expect things around here to go in a little different direction.

In the back of my head, there's that little voice asking, "Why would you do that? Who are you to use this voice of yours?" What I'm learning to accept is that only one answer really makes any sense to me: "Because it's important to me. That has to be enough."

Echeblog Election 2008

Its election time, as if you didn't already know that. As much as I'm hoping Obama will become this country's next President, there are more pressing issues at hand. Specifically -- who is in line to be my husband. And so, I'm presenting Echeblog Election 2008! You guys will get to pick who you think would be the best fantasy husband for me. So, I now present the candidates!

Brady Quinn
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Brady (the one on the right) and I both attended the University of Notre Dame, though not at the same time. We're both Scorpios as well and that could either mean we're able to understand each other on a very deep level or it might be a recipe for disaster.

Michael Churchill
Ok, he's from New Jersey but he looks like he could have been one of the several hot Mormon kids I grew up with turned beef. The crystal blue eyes and blond fuzz stretched over the flawless chest pretty much embody every Junior High and High School fantasy I ever had. I don't know a damn thing about this guy, but with a face like that, does it really matter?

Gage Wilson
Ok, he's from Sean Cody and supposedly straight, but a) he's still having sex with guys and b) we're allowed to delete those
inconvenient details in an exercise like this.

Ben Browder
I didn't want you guys thinking that I was only going for the 20-something ones in this. Ah, Bens!

Jake Gyllenhaal
I love the beard, Jakey! I definitely think you traded up when you left Kirsten for Reese, but now its time to leave behind these foolish games and settle down with the right guy.

Let the campaigning begin!

Happy New Year!

Hope you guys had a happy and safe New Years Eve. I know New Years brings a lot of talk about possibilities and resolutions and the like. Here we are again talking about hopes and dreams for things to come. Honestly, I feel like 2008 has so much potential, but I've said that the past couple of years. So what makes this year any different?

The past few years have been a challenge for me -- I've seen things seem to come together so many times only to fall apart over and over again. I've come to fell like a lot of that came down to a lack of clarity... for the most part, I had really wanted things to be settled, to have what other people have -- a stable job, a relationship, a place to DJ, stuff like that. While this doesn't seem out of line, at the core of me, I can't help but realize now that I want so much more than that. But what? Where exactly do I want to go? That's the question I've struggled with for the past few years.

While the past few years have been frustrating, I'm coming to understand that they've help me come to understand just what it is I want. For the first time, I can honestly tell myself exactly what I'd like to do with the next several years of my life and it has nothing to do with a guy or a place or trying to shoehorn myself into a particular job or role. Instead, I've had the chance to stop and say, "This is the direction I want to go, this is what I want to create." I don't know how I'm gonna get there or what the next step is, but at the moment, I feel like this is the most important thing I could have done.

Contrast and Clarity

I confess that over the past year I've questioned myself and wondered if I was moving in the right direction. I've tried to keep faith that things are progressing as they should but many times its seemed like maybe I was going backward.

A year ago I was at a job that I felt pretty good about with hopes that they would want to keep me on a permanent basis, I had my residency at Miami, as well as a guy in my sights that I felt was really special and the hope that things between us could develop. Exactly one year later, delete all three. You can see where I might have come up with the idea that maybe things were going in reverse. Its rare that the Universe gives me such a clear measuring stick as tonight to show me the truth of things -- that I really am on the right track.

Flash back one year ago this morning--
It had been a long night. After a night of holiday celebration I had gone to Charlie's with a friend to finish the evening. We had run into the object of my affection and while we had a good few moments together to talk and I had gotten that sense of connection that I just don't get from anyone else, I was still battling the truth that things just weren't progressing the way I had hoped. My friend, trying to be helpful in that very drunk sort of way, had mentioned that he thought he had seen him at Charlie's the week before macking on someone. Though I was under no illusion that we were any more than friends, hearing this was more than I could bear. As I made my way home, angry and very hurt, I narrowly missed a collision in front of me on the freeway. Though I managed to get out of it physically unharmed, Anderson, my beloved MINI Cooper, was not so lucky. As I would later find out, he was damaged beyond repair. I made the dreaded late night call to my parents to come pick me up and spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company, though most of the time I just kept wondering how I could have let myself get so out of control.

And now the present day--
Its as though I got the chance to replay the night. A night of holiday festivities ended at Charlie's, though I usually avoid the place. I thought I would get through the evening unscathed, he was there with his boyfriend, who I've known about for about 6 months or so. Again, we had a few moments to to talk, that sense of connection I don't get from anyone else... I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with the reality that things just never went the way I would have liked and I've tried to convince myself that I was over him... but truth is that in my heart I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things change so that we could be together... but its hard to ignore his boyfriend staring me in the face... especially after his boyfriend remarks that we kind of look alike in some ways.

And though I wish I could say that I saw him and was delighted that my feelings had changed and that it was clear that I had moved on, it still hurts. Yet confronted with what I had been trying to avoid for a very long time, Nigel (the new MINI Cooper) and I made our way home safely, calmly (if a little heartbroken) and somewhat appreciative that I got to see him and thankful that he seems happy.

Even though there are many things in my life I would love to change -- the love and relationship I've always wanted, the kind of work I've been seeking, the rebirth of my DJing career -- this night has really highlighted just how far I've come. Perhaps its cliché and I get tired of hearing it let alone telling myself, but I know that this whole process has been an exercise in coming to find myself and that deep self-appreciation I had lacked. While I've wished that it would show up in my external world, perhaps I'm finally to know instead of just trying to believe that in the face of everything I've lost, I've really come to find more than I ever have before.

For Gary W.

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There you go
Flashing fever from your eyes
Hey babe, come over here and shut down tight
I'm not denying
We're flying above it all
Hold my hand, don't let me fall
You've such amazing grace
I've never felt this way

Show me heaven
Cover me
Leave me breathless
Show me heaven please

Here I go
I'm shaking just like breeze
Hey babe I need your hand to steady me
I'm not denying
I'm frightened as much as you
Though I'm barely touching you
I've shivers down my spine
And it feels divine

Show me heaven
Cover me
Leave me breathless
Show me heaven please

If you know what it's like
To dream a dream
Baby hold me tight
And let this be your...heaven

Cover me
Leave me breathless
Show me heaven please

We know you'll always be with us, Gary.

I Deserve A Beef Today

A day, just like any other... no, I haven't done anything special today... but I deserve a beef. I deserve a damn hot beef.

Dia del Pavo

While I jokingly refer to today as Dia del Pavo, or Turkey Day, even though its been a challenging I really do have a lot to be thankful for. A few special mentions from the Blogging world:

Adam: the one who nudged me into starting this whole blogging thing and who has managed to become one of my closest friends. Thanks for sharing sumptuous Indian food with me as well as engaging in interesting existential discussions.

Alex: another blogger turned good friend. Aside from always being interested in my life and wellbeing, as well as always finding interesting beeves that are worthy of my attention, I never have to get worked up about the state of the world or politics because he's there to do it for me.

The Daily Slab: for providing prime beef for my viewing pleasure.

Donnie: for his always entertaining Mug Shot Mondays.

And to all my readers, especially those of you who take the time to comment: you make this whole exercise much more interesting.

Intro to Club Music - Part 3

I've gone through a quick, bare bones history of dance music and some of the basic characteristics that sets it apart from other forms. One of the essential elements I've left until now is perhaps the most important -- the DJ.

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At a basic level, DJing is deceptively simple -- you're playing a bunch of songs, one after another. For some, a DJ is like a human jukebox, or an extension of the radio: judged by whether he or she plays the song you want at the time you want to hear it. There's a place for that, I suppose. No disrespect intended, but this is the type of DJ I'd hire for a wedding or a bar mitzvahs, its not what I want in a club.

As I explained earlier, dance music is designed to fit together like the pieces of a puzzle... or like LEGOs. Taking that analogy a step further, that raises three basic questions: 1) How well do the pieces fit together; 2) How good is the person at putting together the pieces; and 3) what have you made when you put it all together?

Track Selection
So the first issue is what makes a good track? My rule #1 is that a good track must be interesting. That can mean a lot of things and part of it is a matter of taste. For some, "interesting" can mean that its the dance version of the latest pop hit or a something new from a particular artist (or remixer). The downside is that a trendy song can be like bell bottoms -- they were in style once, but when you look at them now you wonder why the hell you ever wore them. There are tracks that were overplayed SO badly that the mention of them make my ears bleed.

The easiest way for me to explain why I find a track interesting is to have you listen to one and I can explain what I like about it.

G Minor (Original Mix) by Exhibit A

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This is a relatively simple track with a very strong disco feel. So my tastes come into the equation from the start -- I like disco. You start out with a catchy bass hook, slowly layers on a great string part and build until you get to the first breakdown. The first two elements slowly fade back in with the vocals added. You've got a couple of buildups and breakdowns in the song.

So what do I love about this track? The pieces fit together well, I like the style, its a generally pretty track, but besides that, what really sparks my interest? I'll be clear about my biases up front -- my relationship with songs is usually emotional. This song evokes a clear feeling for me, a definite sense of melancholy, starting with the bass line like a drumming at the bass of your stomach and building to a peak before being squelched. It comes back with the vocals added, building relatively quickly until it finally makes its way to the front of your consciousness... There's beauty and pain wrapped up together, along with some remembrance. Ah, the double edged sword of nostalgia.

In the end, this track ends up being much more than the sum of its parts for me. Just a relatively simple track that I'm able to connect with on a very basic level, and that's what makes a track worth listening to in my book.

Intro to Club Music - Part 2

The Basics
So let's take another look at part of Adam's comment: "It all sounds the same to me, pots and pans clanging..."

Adam has identified one of the essential elements of modern dance music. By and large, its much more bass or rhythm driven instead of melody driven. The beat, the groove, the funk -- dance music's essential quality is that its meant to inspire you to dance.

That's not to say that melody isn't important but it usually takes a backseat in dance music. There are some styles (usually tribal) where melody is all but absent and unless its done VERY well, IMO, that can get real old real fast.

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The other part of Adam's comment - "It all sounds the same to me..." Repetition. Yes, there's a lot more repetition in dance music. Part of that goes back to its purpose -- you need a recognizable, somewhat repetitive rhythm in order to be able to dance. Beyond the basic logistics of it, I feel like the repetition helps you get out of your head. Dance music is meant to be felt, to be experienced. The rhythm and repetition give you that somewhat hypnotic effect that help you move beyond your head and into your body and heart, which is where the magic is. Good dance music is intended to surround you, to move through you.

Another part of that is also the general format of house music -- unlike other styles where you finish one song, stop and then start another, house music is designed to flow from one song to another without stopping, much like interlocking pieces of a puzzle. In order to do that, each song has the same 4/4 meter that allows a DJ to mix them together.

Finally, Adam mentions club music featuring "some unintelligible Diva voice." House music has a range of styles, some with vocals, some without. You can trace the origin of the Diva phenomenon back to house's disco roots - think Donna Summer or Thelma Houston... part of that comes from disco's gospel, blues and soul roots. Part of it is also a quirk of one of house music's core audiences: gay men. The diva has played a big part in the culture of gay men, whether its iconic screen actresses to opera to torch song idols. Its no surprise that the diva figures prominently in house music. I think you'll find less of the diva style when you listen to house music aimed at a straight audience.

That covers the things Adam mentioned in his original comment. In the next entry I'll start talking about what drew me to dance music, what I look for in good dance tracks and what makes a good set.

Intro to Club Music - Part 1

Last night Adam from This Boy Elroy left this comment on Twitter:

"I'm fascinated by people who are into club music. It all sounds the same to me, pots and pans clanging and some unintelligible Diva voice."

Of course, my first reaction was that I really can't expect too much out of Adam -- after all, he went to U of A, so he's just not that bright. And while that's true (I kid, I kid), I suppose that answer is the easy way out. My impression is that there are a lot of people out there who haven't had the opportunity to hear great club music and just don't get what its about. Add on top of it the reality that just like anything else, there's a range of quality when it comes to DJs and club music... kind of like food. There's fast food, gourmet cuisine and everything in between, as well as countless different styles. And so it is with club music.

The Beginning

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Obviously, music has been around for ages and people have been dancing to it for just as long. Modern dance music traces its roots back to the 70s, New York and disco... but not the sort of stuff you'll find on a cheap "Disco Hits" compilation. Disco fused a number of influences -- latin, soul, funk, gospel, blues -- and at its core was gay and underground. Disco collapsed after the major record labels got ahold of it and turned it into a parody of itself, much like they've done with hip hop. Despite its collapse, disco was essentially reborn in Chicago in the 80s as "house" music, which forms the core of most mainstream dance music. House spawned a number of other styles and sub-genres: techno, trance, and progressive being the most well known. Most modern club music (with the exception of hip hop) is some variation of house.

Aftermath

I can't say I'm too terribly surprised. I went for another run today, taking a route by the park and on a big orange sign there was a picture of cat's cute mug staring back at me. Dutifully, I called the phone number and found out the back story -- Tuesday he had followed his kids to school -- another school a bit away -- and wouldn't leave. So school officials took him and drove him to the school by my house and left him in the park. And so far from home he stayed all day and into the night until he found the one person he knew would take good care of him and who would also love him enough to make sure he found his way back to his other family. He knew what he was doing.

There might be some who say that all my talk about a friend reincarnated finding his way home was a little foolish. It was just a lost kitten that looked like my old cat and needed someone to take care of him. Once I took him home I spoke to the woman's fiancee -- "I'm so glad to have Trouble back." "Trouble? His name is Trouble?" That was Stinky's given name when I adopted him... I ended up changing it to his middle name. So while my heart is broken once again, I know my old friend knew he could always trust me to do what is right.

Reincatnation

After a week without a blog entry, Alexander asked me if I had decided to let the blog die. Not so, I assured him. Just had some other stuff going on. For those of you who have been following along, it was just last Halloween when I had to say goodbye to my good friend, Stinky. I won't lie to you -- It hurt bad and it really took a while for me to finally recover. I don't care if its a cat or a person -- I don't give my heart away easily and I never really stop loving someone.

Jump forward about a year -- I still have three pictures of Stinky at my desk, I still find myself talking to him. Its not a sad thing, really. I just enjoy talking to him, letting him know that he's still on my mind. A neighbor's cat had adopted me, dropping by for a little attention now and then. Its all the kitty love without the responsibility. I really liked that. Definitely my speed at the moment... or so I thought.

I went out for a late night run through the neighborhood a few nights ago. On my way back, I went by the park that's near our house. (And for my readers with dirty minds: No, its not that kind of park.) I stopped to toss away my empty water bottle when this striped cat appeared next to me. Not quite out of his kittenhood, he seemed awfully friendly. I gave him a quick pat on the head before telling him to head back home to his family. I turned and made my way back but he followed right along side me... all the way home.

Yes, its cliche -- "Look what followed me home!" I keep expecting him to disappear again to wherever he came from, though he shows no inclination to leave. I haven't adopted him, as I don't really consider him mine to adopt -- it seems more like he's adopted me. At this point, I think I'm just going to call him Cat. "Poor old Cat. Poor slob. Poor slob without a name. The way I see it I don't have the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up by the river one day."

Honestly, I wasn't looking for another cat. I was happy having a surrogate cat, I didn't really feel like it was time to put my heart out there again... I can't shake the sense that some way, some how my friend had made his way home again, even if it took a year and a different body. I guess that's how life works sometimes -- we may not think our hearts are ready to love again just quite yet, but when its time, its time.

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?

Torchwood

Now this is the way to start out the New Year... I haven't seen anything so incredibly romantic, if heartbreaking, in a long time.

Thanks to Towleroad for the headsup!