Trees

As soon as I felt like I started picking up some momentum, like I was getting a handle on things... WHAM! Like driving straight into a tree. Not a fun experience by any means, even less so when it seems like I've hit the same damn tree more times than I can count. I'm tired of feeling like my life is like Groundhog Day.

So this morning essentially began the way the night ended -- seething with resentment; weighed down with disappointment. In the past, it's taken few days in that mode before things finally cool down. I decided, however, that this time I wasn't going to be satisfied with spending another day stewing in my own bitterness. I decided that I was going to find a way to work my way out of this.

A couple of hours after I got up, my Dad asked me to help him with some work he was doing in the yard. If there's one thing I despise, it's yard work. That said, I've really been trying to quit bitching about those sorts of things and just get them done. Not that I enjoy it, but it's made things run a little more smoothly.

Anyway, after I pushed aside my normal annoyance at such things, I went to see what he wanted. There's a dead tree in the yard -- my grandfather, Tony, gave it to my parents shortly before he died -- shortly after I was born. It died last year, right after my Uncle, Tony Jr., passed. My Dad decided that today would be the day that we pulled that sucker out of the ground.

As soon as I heard what was going on, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Like I said earlier, it's the Universe speaks to me in metaphor. I've been working to uproot that dead fucking tree I keep running into and the Universe decided it was time to give me a few pointers.

One of the things I learned is that while the tree seems unmovable to begin with, you've got to dig a little and get at the roots. Once you can chop some of them, the tree starts to give way. You push at it and it's easy to tell which roots you need still to get. A little more hacking and then it finally collapses. Maybe that's obvious, but something about going through the physical process of actually uprooting a tree made things much more clear.

I've done a lot of work already, now I'm ready to do a little digging. That fucker's coming down.

A Nice Bowl of Puttanesca

One of the things I've learned over the years is that the Universe speaks to me in metaphor -- that is, I've come to believe that certain aspects of events going on around me are a mirror for internal things going on in my life. It's like watching other people act out the stuff that's going on in my head.

I finished my latest CD a few days ago. I've really been trying to focus on myself and rediscover the joy in my life -- I really do love so much of what's going on in my life right now, though it's sometimes I lose track of it. Anyway, I've felt like this latest CD is really reflects the core of what I'm trying to learn -- to relax and enjoy myself and find the things in my life to feel good about, instead of worrying about how to "fix" things. I really do believe that that's the freedom I've been looking for: the ability to enjoy life as it is and to trust it to unfold as it should. I've been working to reach that point that Mary J. Blige talks about -- "I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine." I've felt like coming to really live that on a deep level is the missing piece I've always needed.

Alex emailed me after listening to the new disc, commenting that he thinks that it's the best he's heard from me and that he can tell that I've really been in a good space. On balance I've felt like things are coming together, like I'm on the brink of the things I've been asking for to finally come into place. So, when Notre Dame's hockey team made it to the championship game, I felt like it was a nudge from the Universe telling me that I'm definitely on the right track and that I'm almost there. There have been other things going on that make it clear that my life is going to change soon, one way or the other. So, the past couple of days for me have been about wondering whether I'm ready to take that step forward, whatever that may be, and feeling like, yes, I'm ready to go.

So when Saturday rolled around and Notre Dame got their asses kicked in the championship game, I tried to downplay it. "Oh, it's not a big deal, it really doesn't have anything to do with anything." When Alex sent me a cute photo of a box of Fusilli Puttanesca he saw in the grocery store because he thought of me, I thought it was oh so cute and was thankful that I really haven't a nasty "Puttanesca!" moment in a while and maybe I'm done with those. Ah, wishful thinking. Rather, they were harbingers of what was to come.

The details of it aren't really important. Instead, just focus on the essence of it -- that blinding anger that says, "After all the fucking work I've done, why the fuck do I have to go through this again?!" Hello darkness, my old friend. In the scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal (and before you ask, I'm fine, everything is ok...), but nothing quite like a steaming shit sandwich to remind you that the job's not quite done.

Welcome to Wonderfalls

A couple of months ago, I was spending the day with Alex, who was recovering from some minor surgery. He had recently got a short-lived TV series on DVD, called Wonderfalls. It never made it past the first 4 or 5 episodes and I had never even known it existed. I'm figuring that most of America hasn't either.

It took me a few episodes to finally get into it -- I missed the first couple of episodes, so there was a lot of "WTF?" Once I got past that, I found that I really resonated with the underlying story.

Wonderfalls centers on a young twentysomething living in Niagra Falls, named Jaye. She's got an Ivy League education, works in a dead end job at a local gift shop and lives in a trailer. The series includes a lot of her incredibly odd and dysfunctional family, and while at first she's painted as this pathetic slacker with no ambition, the show goes to great pains to make you understand that she's always been the outcast and that she's trying to choose a different path from her family: her right wing, George W. Bush loving (and still surprisingly lovable) doctor that is her father; her mother, who is a neurotic, well-known author; closeted lesbian-immigration attorney sister; and brother who happens to be a Ph.D. student in Theology and an atheist.

The crux of the show is that one day at work, Jaye is outside at lunch and chokes -- while she manages to dislodge the food, when she returns to work, suddenly things are different -- a wax lion from the vending machine in her store speaks to her. We're not talking Joan of Arcadia, "Yes, Joan, this is God, and listen to me while I pontificate..." Instead, the wax lion tells her not to give a customer her money back.

There's a lot more that I love about this show and I plan on talking about it more, just because there are so many different aspects that I love. But at it's core, it's a story about a very intelligent, talented girl who's grown up choosing to withdraw from the world, keeping most everyone at a distance. The stories Wonderfalls presents are about how the Universe finally starts to push Jaye in a different direction, one where she's forced to interact with the world in new ways and open up to those around her, despite the fact that all the while she's afraid that she's going crazy... and despite the fact that she's usually trying to fight the whole process.

Not only is she's worried she's going crazy, she's also dealing with the chemistry with the charming, emotionally available, though on the rebound Eric, played by the adorable Tyron Leitso.

While I don't live in a trailer, I can't help but see a lot of myself in Jaye and the struggle she's going through. In the first episode she explains her basic worldview: "Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all." I guess I've hit that point as well... and I haven't quite found a better solution... except for the insistent nudges the Universe keeps giving me, sending me in directions that don't necessarily feel like the direction I think I want to go and yet somehow always seem to work out in ways I don't really expect.

Echeblog Election 2008

Its election time, as if you didn't already know that. As much as I'm hoping Obama will become this country's next President, there are more pressing issues at hand. Specifically -- who is in line to be my husband. And so, I'm presenting Echeblog Election 2008! You guys will get to pick who you think would be the best fantasy husband for me. So, I now present the candidates!

Brady Quinn
For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Brady (the one on the right) and I both attended the University of Notre Dame, though not at the same time. We're both Scorpios as well and that could either mean we're able to understand each other on a very deep level or it might be a recipe for disaster.

Michael Churchill
Ok, he's from New Jersey but he looks like he could have been one of the several hot Mormon kids I grew up with turned beef. The crystal blue eyes and blond fuzz stretched over the flawless chest pretty much embody every Junior High and High School fantasy I ever had. I don't know a damn thing about this guy, but with a face like that, does it really matter?

Gage Wilson
Ok, he's from Sean Cody and supposedly straight, but a) he's still having sex with guys and b) we're allowed to delete those
inconvenient details in an exercise like this.

Ben Browder
I didn't want you guys thinking that I was only going for the 20-something ones in this. Ah, Bens!

Jake Gyllenhaal
I love the beard, Jakey! I definitely think you traded up when you left Kirsten for Reese, but now its time to leave behind these foolish games and settle down with the right guy.

Let the campaigning begin!

Contrast and Clarity

I confess that over the past year I've questioned myself and wondered if I was moving in the right direction. I've tried to keep faith that things are progressing as they should but many times its seemed like maybe I was going backward.

A year ago I was at a job that I felt pretty good about with hopes that they would want to keep me on a permanent basis, I had my residency at Miami, as well as a guy in my sights that I felt was really special and the hope that things between us could develop. Exactly one year later, delete all three. You can see where I might have come up with the idea that maybe things were going in reverse. Its rare that the Universe gives me such a clear measuring stick as tonight to show me the truth of things -- that I really am on the right track.

Flash back one year ago this morning--
It had been a long night. After a night of holiday celebration I had gone to Charlie's with a friend to finish the evening. We had run into the object of my affection and while we had a good few moments together to talk and I had gotten that sense of connection that I just don't get from anyone else, I was still battling the truth that things just weren't progressing the way I had hoped. My friend, trying to be helpful in that very drunk sort of way, had mentioned that he thought he had seen him at Charlie's the week before macking on someone. Though I was under no illusion that we were any more than friends, hearing this was more than I could bear. As I made my way home, angry and very hurt, I narrowly missed a collision in front of me on the freeway. Though I managed to get out of it physically unharmed, Anderson, my beloved MINI Cooper, was not so lucky. As I would later find out, he was damaged beyond repair. I made the dreaded late night call to my parents to come pick me up and spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company, though most of the time I just kept wondering how I could have let myself get so out of control.

And now the present day--
Its as though I got the chance to replay the night. A night of holiday festivities ended at Charlie's, though I usually avoid the place. I thought I would get through the evening unscathed, he was there with his boyfriend, who I've known about for about 6 months or so. Again, we had a few moments to to talk, that sense of connection I don't get from anyone else... I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with the reality that things just never went the way I would have liked and I've tried to convince myself that I was over him... but truth is that in my heart I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things change so that we could be together... but its hard to ignore his boyfriend staring me in the face... especially after his boyfriend remarks that we kind of look alike in some ways.

And though I wish I could say that I saw him and was delighted that my feelings had changed and that it was clear that I had moved on, it still hurts. Yet confronted with what I had been trying to avoid for a very long time, Nigel (the new MINI Cooper) and I made our way home safely, calmly (if a little heartbroken) and somewhat appreciative that I got to see him and thankful that he seems happy.

Even though there are many things in my life I would love to change -- the love and relationship I've always wanted, the kind of work I've been seeking, the rebirth of my DJing career -- this night has really highlighted just how far I've come. Perhaps its cliché and I get tired of hearing it let alone telling myself, but I know that this whole process has been an exercise in coming to find myself and that deep self-appreciation I had lacked. While I've wished that it would show up in my external world, perhaps I'm finally to know instead of just trying to believe that in the face of everything I've lost, I've really come to find more than I ever have before.

Dia del Pavo

While I jokingly refer to today as Dia del Pavo, or Turkey Day, even though its been a challenging I really do have a lot to be thankful for. A few special mentions from the Blogging world:

Adam: the one who nudged me into starting this whole blogging thing and who has managed to become one of my closest friends. Thanks for sharing sumptuous Indian food with me as well as engaging in interesting existential discussions.

Alex: another blogger turned good friend. Aside from always being interested in my life and wellbeing, as well as always finding interesting beeves that are worthy of my attention, I never have to get worked up about the state of the world or politics because he's there to do it for me.

The Daily Slab: for providing prime beef for my viewing pleasure.

Donnie: for his always entertaining Mug Shot Mondays.

And to all my readers, especially those of you who take the time to comment: you make this whole exercise much more interesting.

Such Is Life

"Such is life... feel it.
Beautiful life... I see it.
I'm making changes now,
open up the door and I will be here...
I am here.

Seems like I've been waiting,
held in time, I'm aching.
I'm seeing clearly now,
wipe away the tears
and I will be free...
I am free.

I feel... feel the beauty inside...
I see... worlds are turning outside...
I hear... hear you calling my name...
I'm free..."

Just seemed like an appropriate song for the moment.

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?

Open Your Eyes

Just a song I've had rattling around my head for the past week or two.

Soundtrack Of Love

I guess I've always felt like my life has a soundtrack... I guess that's one of the reasons I ended up becoming a DJ. Seems like a certain song can really encapsulate a part of your life. Anyway, for some reason I was listening to a few songs that reminded me of love and relationships and I thought it was fascinating to see how my life, thoughts and feelings about love have evolved over time. Its like a journal, only fun to listen to. I'm not going to name names or anything, but I decided I'd clue you all in.

Phase 1: Crazy

I had just come out, I had never really been in a relationship -- I had been warned that it would really be a good idea to wait before I tried dating anyone... Of course, I ignored them and jumped right in. Not good. Long story short, I had no idea about how relationships worked and what exactly to expect. I believe my dear Patsy Cline sang it best, "I'm crazy for tryin' and I'm crazy for cryin', and I'm crazy for loving you..."

Crazy indeed. I guess "insanity" would be more accurate. I had some hard lessons to learn in those early days -- I suppose the biggest gift I received from those first couple of exes was the lesson that things are not always as they appear and that not everyone has the best intentions... oh yeah, and a nice case of crabs.

Phase 2: One Fine Day

It was maybe a year after those first fledgling relationships. I suppose I tell everyone that he was a friend that I fell for. We became friends but the truth is that from the moment I met him I felt like there was something there. Moulin Rouge had just come out at the time and I suppose that's the best way to describe the nature of our relationship. He was my "sparkling diamond" and I played the part of the penniless writer/DJ... of course, there was a lot of illusion going on -- most of the time it was a situation where there was something going on... and there wasn't... but there really was. Its too hard to explain quickly, but I think Natalie Merchant explains the real situation pretty well. At the end of the day I spent a long time waiting for "one fine day." Of course, the strange thing is that the truth finally came out... but it was too late. Bah, Moulin Rouge didn't have a happy ending either.

Current Phase: Down Together

Fast forward to today. Yes, there's currently someone I have my sights set on, but at the moment, there's not much to discuss. Instead, the song I have in mind has less to do with this particular person as it describes the relationship I'd like to have... leave it to a Tempe band: The Refreshments to come up with it... its not even really a love song, either, but I suppose it kind of is a reflection of me - kinda quirky, but in my better moments, playful and fun, and I guess that's what love means to me these days. "What's good for you is good for me and what's bad for you is bad for me. Well, cars break down and people break down and other things break down too, so lets go down together..."

Bad Habits

I know made this uber-optimistic entry a couple of days ago -- I was all geeked up about being willing to finally start living my life differently in order to bring about more enjoyable results. Albert Einstein once said that insanity meant "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Insights are wonderful and all, but when it comes down to it, unless you're willing to actually change what you're doing, nothing really changes.

Sometimes we get a reminder that even though we think things are different, we're still up to the same old bullshit. I wish change could come around easily (sometimes it does, I guess) but most of the time I think its mostly hard work. I guess my basic point is this -- its great to say you're ready for change in your life but that's not really true until you're ready to do what needs to be done and have the determination to see things through. One thing to remember is to never oppose a determined Scorpio. I'm done just talking.

Outside The Box

I can say that as far back as I remember I've always struggled with the sense that I didn't quite fit in. Its a difficult realization for someone in kindergarden that, "Hey, I'm really not like the other people here." As a result, I spent about 26 years of my life and more mental and emotional energy trying to please others and fit into the expectations of others, whether it was family, society, friends, what have you. It hasn't always been about being gay, but I think that was a big catalyst in things -- in a moment of desperation I finally accepted that I would never be able to fit myself inside those expectations -- the old cliche about fitting a square peg into a round hole comes to mind. At that point, I knew that my life, such that it was, would forever be changed.

In the past six years, I've gone through the process of tearing down just about everything in my life and trying to reconstruct things in a way that allows me to be myself and allows me to find the joy and connection I've always craved but always seemed fleeting. In that process I've had hopes and dreams spring to life only to turn to dust, I've met people I've loved and had to let go. In that experience, I've had the sense that everything was in a holding pattern, that I was just waiting for things to fall into place and then everything would start to flow the way I've thought it could. What I hadn't realized was that I had created my own box, my expectations of what I thought my life should look like, how my relationships should go, always waiting for the sign that "This is finally it!" Patience is a very good thing, I believe, and at the same time, so much of that time has been mired in that sense that I'm waiting, always waiting. Of course, the reality is that life wouldn't fit into my box anymore than I'd fit into the box of other's expectations that I'd spent so much time tearing down.

A year ago I met someone who really impacted me -- someone who embodied so many of the qualities I value and treasure and who's also been the catalyst in making me recognize those same things in myself. In so many ways he's exactly what I've wanted in my life for a long time. At the same time, he's had the audacity to want to live his own life and our relationship hasn't come anywhere near fitting in the box I'd created for my relationships. I suppose I can laugh about it now, but its been yet another exercise in trying to force life to fit into my expectations. Doomed from the start, but at least its only taken me another six years to figure it out.

A month ago I had reached the point where I admitted that this would never suddenly change and fit the expectations I had. I thought it was time to walk away, time to release this and try again. A funny thing happened -- the connection that had seemed to have faded away suddenly seemed stronger than ever. Color me confused. After a couple of weeks and a few chances to reconnect, I'm coming to realize that, as with the rest of my life, the expectations I've had really prevented me from enjoying what was in front of me all the time.

Whether its with work, DJing, relationship and love or my friendships, I can't stand here and predict how things will turn out, but I think its finally time to stop waiting and let the things in my life move and grow how they will, instead of trying to fit them into my expectations and always ending up disappointed. Its a little scary to let go of trying to control things, but at the same time, I'm finally ready to enjoy the possibilities.

Reichen

Apparently, its official -- Reichen and Lance are Splitsville. I know the corpse of their relationship hasn't even had time to cool yet, but can I say that Lance Bass is SO not hot? For those of you who haven't been following along with my every blog entry the past couple of years, here's an echeblog flashback to my accounts of a Reichen appearance here in Phoenix. He was only a minor celebrity back then, though still gracious (and a little tipsy). Certainly the whole Lance Bass episode has raised his profile quite a bit -- we'll see if its enough to jumpstart Reichen's acting career. I have no idea if he has any acting talent but that's hardly necessary to make in Hollywood, right? In any event, that's the end of one of the few gay celebrity power couples -- and it happened without any ugly reality TV shows, ala Britney/K-Fed or Whitney/Bobby. I guess that's the measuring stick of true equality -- to hell with marriage rights, when will gay celebrity couples have shows featuring their intimate details?

Here's another Reichen-related echeblog flashback!