Monday, July 16, 2007


I'm never really sure how many people follow this blog closely, but maybe you've noticed I've been a little quiet. I guess that's always been one of my big questions about blogging, and life in general, to be honest -- just how much of my real self and my life do I share? Should I just glide along the surface and put up more pictures of hot guys or talk about politics or music or do I try to perform and attempt to be funny or witty?

Anyway, last month I had interviewed for a position I was really excited about -- for those of you who have read for a while or know a little about me personally, you know my career saga has been a real struggle for a while. I think a big chunk of that is because I've come to realize that I'm not someone who is satisfied with a job that's just about making money. I've had plenty of moments where I wish I could do that, but I really need to care about what I'm doing. I'm a passionate person and in the bigger picture, that's something I really like about myself.

So, I had interviewed for this position and felt pretty good about it. A few weeks later, they asked me for a second interview. They've gotta like you if they ask you for a second interview, right? I came out of that second interview sky high. I've never felt that good after an interview and I drove home thinking that it was finally time for things to fall into place. Well, a funny thing happened -- things didn't fall into place. Such a strange combination -- to feel like they loved me and yet having things fall apart yet again.

I suppose the stranger thing is knowing that this juxtaposition of "YES!" and "NO!" have shown up in my life a lot in the past few years. It seems like the stronger I feel about something the more issues it brings up. While I was disappointed to be sure, the truth was that it wasn't a crushing blow by many things. Rather, I had this odd sense of detachment -- as I've mentioned before, I've seen this situation come up over and over again, which tells you the truth of things. I could bitch about the unfairness of it all, but I can't really escape the reality that as much as I wanted that job, or the relationship I couldn't have, or whatever, there's this part of me that really didn't believe I deserved them. That's a hard thing to admit, at least in my book.

That said, what I came to realize was just how much of an issue this has been -- how much my self doubt has plagued things throughout my life. So much of the time its been working behind the scenes -- I could feel its effects but never quite understood its scope. Since I've had that realization, I've had the opportunity to pull the beliefs that supported it and understood where they came from. What's more, I've had the chance to start the healing I've needed for a long time. I know I still have work to do the big difference is that even while nothing has changed on the outside, for the first time, things finally feel like they're right where they're supposed to be.

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