Saturday, December 15, 2007

Contrast and Clarity

Mini 2002 - sideI confess that over the past year I've questioned myself and wondered if I was moving in the right direction. I've tried to keep faith that things are progressing as they should but many times its seemed like maybe I was going backward.

A year ago I was at a job that I felt pretty good about with hopes that they would want to keep me on a permanent basis, I had my residency at Miami, as well as a guy in my sights that I felt was really special and the hope that things between us could develop. Exactly one year later, delete all three. You can see where I might have come up with the idea that maybe things were going in reverse. Its rare that the Universe gives me such a clear measuring stick as tonight to show me the truth of things -- that I really am on the right track.

Flash back one year ago this morning--
It had been a long night. After a night of holiday celebration I had gone to Charlie's with a friend to finish the evening. We had run into the object of my affection and while we had a good few moments together to talk and I had gotten that sense of connection that I just don't get from anyone else, I was still battling the truth that things just weren't progressing the way I had hoped. My friend, trying to be helpful in that very drunk sort of way, had mentioned that he thought he had seen him at Charlie's the week before macking on someone. Though I was under no illusion that we were any more than friends, hearing this was more than I could bear. As I made my way home, angry and very hurt, I narrowly missed a collision in front of me on the freeway. Though I managed to get out of it physically unharmed, Anderson, my beloved MINI Cooper, was not so lucky. As I would later find out, he was damaged beyond repair. I made the dreaded late night call to my parents to come pick me up and spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company, though most of the time I just kept wondering how I could have let myself get so out of control.

Mini 002And now the present day--
Its as though I got the chance to replay the night. A night of holiday festivities ended at Charlie's, though I usually avoid the place. I thought I would get through the evening unscathed, he was there with his boyfriend, who I've known about for about 6 months or so. Again, we had a few moments to to talk, that sense of connection I don't get from anyone else... I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with the reality that things just never went the way I would have liked and I've tried to convince myself that I was over him... but truth is that in my heart I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things change so that we could be together... but its hard to ignore his boyfriend staring me in the face... especially after his boyfriend remarks that we kind of look alike in some ways.

And though I wish I could say that I saw him and was delighted that my feelings had changed and that it was clear that I had moved on, it still hurts. Yet confronted with what I had been trying to avoid for a very long time, Nigel (the new MINI Cooper) and I made our way home safely, calmly (if a little heartbroken) and somewhat appreciative that I got to see him and thankful that he seems happy.

Even though there are many things in my life I would love to change -- the love and relationship I've always wanted, the kind of work I've been seeking, the rebirth of my DJing career -- this night has really highlighted just how far I've come. Perhaps its cliché and I get tired of hearing it let alone telling myself, but I know that this whole process has been an exercise in coming to find myself and that deep self-appreciation I had lacked. While I've wished that it would show up in my external world, perhaps I'm finally to know instead of just trying to believe that in the face of everything I've lost, I've really come to find more than I ever have before.

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