I Opened My Gift Early!

Merry Christmas to me! Go Irish!

Philly Review pt. 1

So, I'm back from Philly and starting to get caught up with everything back here. While it was a busy weekend and there's plenty I can blog about, without a doubt the most important thing for me is remembering the the people I had a chance to meet and get to know, if only a bit.

I was staying with my friend Eric (on the right), who lives across the river in New Jersey. While we had gone to Notre Dame together, we spent virtually the entire weekend together. Anyone willing to put up with me for that length of time deserves a medal.

We ran into one of the Phoenix boys, Joel (standing next to me), at Bump on Thursday night. It's always fun to have Joel around and having been in Philly only a few hours, it was great to see a friendly face in what was, at the time, a very unfamiliar city. Bump is a trendy martini bar, and for those who are familiar with the scene here in Phoenix, reminds me of a cross between Amsterdam and AZ88. Eric described Bump as the McDonald's of the Philly gay scene, in that we'd generally stop there when we needed to use the bathroom, much as you'd do when you're travelling abroad. Also in that particular photo is Chris, who reminded me (physically) of Jesse Martin of Law & Order fame.

Another revelation about the Philadelphia gay scene is that everyone is named Mark or Eric, which means I fit right in. They all have track lighting, too. I met a few more Marks when I was there, though I don't have any photographic proof of that. The problem with listing out everyone I met this weekend is figuring out just what to write about each of them -- where the hell do you start? With Alex, Everett, Jeff, Han, Rick or the go go dancer who looked like an even more buffed out and sweaty Tahmoh Penniket wearing nothing but a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs, who I think was named Wes?

While meeting a hot go go dancer that looks like Helo might seem like the high point of the weekend, the more I mull over the weekend, the more amazed I am that I was able to meet so many new people in such a short span of time and yet still manage to have moments with almost each of them that made me want to come back and experience more. Note to the Universe: More of this, please!

Home Again

Sorry for having a light week when it comes to posting. Last week was a busy week. Along with trying to put together a last-minute memorial CD for a friend who passed away a few months ago, I also headed back to Notre Dame for a weekend conference called Alumni Senate.

I won't bore you with the details, because a lot of it was meetings and workshops and dinners with other Alumni. I guess the big thing for me was that I had come last year and had really struggled, having lost my job a couple of months before, I was wrestling with the questions that inevitably come with that along with the heightened sensitivity of being around so many people who are successful in traditional ways.

Flash forward a year: While many of the circumstances, on the surface, haven't resolved themselves yet, I've been coming to accept that I really am in a much different place. While I may not be a partner at a big law firm or deeply ingrained in a Fortune 500 company, it's okay because that's not really want to be anyway. Maybe I don't know how to make my dreams come true yet, but when I stop to look at my life, I know that I'm involved in things that I really care about (and enjoy, if I let myself) and I'm excited about the possibilities of what is to come.

What makes it more special to me is that Notre Dame is the one place where, despite the fact that I had stepped away from my family and everything I knew, I felt like it was home, a place I knew was incredibly special and that I was a part of it. That's a bit of a mixed blessing. Throughout my college experience (and even through last year) I had a hard time with that -- maybe it was being gay on a conservative, Catholic campus, perhaps even deeper. So many times I wondered whether I deserved to be at such a place. Notre Dame isn't the easiest place to be different.

Of course, it's not necessarily easy being different wherever you happen to live. That's been my work -- to recognize that I'm unique and that what I have to offer is valuable, more so than if I had been willing (and able) to stuff myself into the expectations that somehow I placed on myself.

It was a new experience for me -- being able to hold my head up high and say, "Here I am. I'm damn good at what I do. I belong here. I'm proud of myself and of this place. We are part of each other and we always will be." I'm not perfect, at least in any of the ways people would define it. And at the same time, I know that not only will I never be, but that I'm figuring out that I don't need to be and never did. It's just a matter of setting down all the excuses and justifications I've used to hold myself apart from the things I love and diving in. I'm not always in the place where I can do that, or am willing to do that, but I'm getting SO much better at it.

A Nice Bowl of Puttanesca

One of the things I've learned over the years is that the Universe speaks to me in metaphor -- that is, I've come to believe that certain aspects of events going on around me are a mirror for internal things going on in my life. It's like watching other people act out the stuff that's going on in my head.

I finished my latest CD a few days ago. I've really been trying to focus on myself and rediscover the joy in my life -- I really do love so much of what's going on in my life right now, though it's sometimes I lose track of it. Anyway, I've felt like this latest CD is really reflects the core of what I'm trying to learn -- to relax and enjoy myself and find the things in my life to feel good about, instead of worrying about how to "fix" things. I really do believe that that's the freedom I've been looking for: the ability to enjoy life as it is and to trust it to unfold as it should. I've been working to reach that point that Mary J. Blige talks about -- "I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine." I've felt like coming to really live that on a deep level is the missing piece I've always needed.

Alex emailed me after listening to the new disc, commenting that he thinks that it's the best he's heard from me and that he can tell that I've really been in a good space. On balance I've felt like things are coming together, like I'm on the brink of the things I've been asking for to finally come into place. So, when Notre Dame's hockey team made it to the championship game, I felt like it was a nudge from the Universe telling me that I'm definitely on the right track and that I'm almost there. There have been other things going on that make it clear that my life is going to change soon, one way or the other. So, the past couple of days for me have been about wondering whether I'm ready to take that step forward, whatever that may be, and feeling like, yes, I'm ready to go.

So when Saturday rolled around and Notre Dame got their asses kicked in the championship game, I tried to downplay it. "Oh, it's not a big deal, it really doesn't have anything to do with anything." When Alex sent me a cute photo of a box of Fusilli Puttanesca he saw in the grocery store because he thought of me, I thought it was oh so cute and was thankful that I really haven't a nasty "Puttanesca!" moment in a while and maybe I'm done with those. Ah, wishful thinking. Rather, they were harbingers of what was to come.

The details of it aren't really important. Instead, just focus on the essence of it -- that blinding anger that says, "After all the fucking work I've done, why the fuck do I have to go through this again?!" Hello darkness, my old friend. In the scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal (and before you ask, I'm fine, everything is ok...), but nothing quite like a steaming shit sandwich to remind you that the job's not quite done.

Go Irish!

Congrats to the Notre Dame Hockey team, making it's first trip to the Frozen Four in Denver. They just beat Michigan in the semifinals to face Boston College on Saturday for the national championship. The Irish have never been known for hockey and it's been great to see them play the underdog to beat Michigan. It'd be even sweeter to win our first title by beating Boston College.

GO IRISH!
Beat Eagles!

USC Weekend

The Spirit of du lac

Its the day before we play USC, we've been having a rough season and the chances of winning the game are few... there are times it feels like a metaphor for most of this year for me. Nonetheless, this video reminds me that no matter how the game or the season turns out, I am proud to be a part of such a special place and in my heart I know that in the end, "old Notre Dame (and I) will win over all."

GO IRISH!

Soulforce Visits Notre Dame

The recent incarnation of the Soulforce Equality Ride made its first stop at my alma mater, the University of Notre Dame. As the video explains, several of the riders were issued citations by ND Security/Police and one current ND student who was walking with the riders was issued a disciplinary notice. While I find it disappointing that the current administration displayed such a hostile reaction and still refuses to recognize the students' Gay & Lesbian student group, AllianceND, from what I've heard, the University has made some progress in becoming a more accepting place for gay and lesbian students. Even if we haven't accomplished our goals, its important to recognize the progress we have made. Here's the Observer's writeup of Soulforce's visit.