Trees

As soon as I felt like I started picking up some momentum, like I was getting a handle on things... WHAM! Like driving straight into a tree. Not a fun experience by any means, even less so when it seems like I've hit the same damn tree more times than I can count. I'm tired of feeling like my life is like Groundhog Day.

So this morning essentially began the way the night ended -- seething with resentment; weighed down with disappointment. In the past, it's taken few days in that mode before things finally cool down. I decided, however, that this time I wasn't going to be satisfied with spending another day stewing in my own bitterness. I decided that I was going to find a way to work my way out of this.

A couple of hours after I got up, my Dad asked me to help him with some work he was doing in the yard. If there's one thing I despise, it's yard work. That said, I've really been trying to quit bitching about those sorts of things and just get them done. Not that I enjoy it, but it's made things run a little more smoothly.

Anyway, after I pushed aside my normal annoyance at such things, I went to see what he wanted. There's a dead tree in the yard -- my grandfather, Tony, gave it to my parents shortly before he died -- shortly after I was born. It died last year, right after my Uncle, Tony Jr., passed. My Dad decided that today would be the day that we pulled that sucker out of the ground.

As soon as I heard what was going on, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Like I said earlier, it's the Universe speaks to me in metaphor. I've been working to uproot that dead fucking tree I keep running into and the Universe decided it was time to give me a few pointers.

One of the things I learned is that while the tree seems unmovable to begin with, you've got to dig a little and get at the roots. Once you can chop some of them, the tree starts to give way. You push at it and it's easy to tell which roots you need still to get. A little more hacking and then it finally collapses. Maybe that's obvious, but something about going through the physical process of actually uprooting a tree made things much more clear.

I've done a lot of work already, now I'm ready to do a little digging. That fucker's coming down.

A Nice Bowl of Puttanesca

One of the things I've learned over the years is that the Universe speaks to me in metaphor -- that is, I've come to believe that certain aspects of events going on around me are a mirror for internal things going on in my life. It's like watching other people act out the stuff that's going on in my head.

I finished my latest CD a few days ago. I've really been trying to focus on myself and rediscover the joy in my life -- I really do love so much of what's going on in my life right now, though it's sometimes I lose track of it. Anyway, I've felt like this latest CD is really reflects the core of what I'm trying to learn -- to relax and enjoy myself and find the things in my life to feel good about, instead of worrying about how to "fix" things. I really do believe that that's the freedom I've been looking for: the ability to enjoy life as it is and to trust it to unfold as it should. I've been working to reach that point that Mary J. Blige talks about -- "I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine." I've felt like coming to really live that on a deep level is the missing piece I've always needed.

Alex emailed me after listening to the new disc, commenting that he thinks that it's the best he's heard from me and that he can tell that I've really been in a good space. On balance I've felt like things are coming together, like I'm on the brink of the things I've been asking for to finally come into place. So, when Notre Dame's hockey team made it to the championship game, I felt like it was a nudge from the Universe telling me that I'm definitely on the right track and that I'm almost there. There have been other things going on that make it clear that my life is going to change soon, one way or the other. So, the past couple of days for me have been about wondering whether I'm ready to take that step forward, whatever that may be, and feeling like, yes, I'm ready to go.

So when Saturday rolled around and Notre Dame got their asses kicked in the championship game, I tried to downplay it. "Oh, it's not a big deal, it really doesn't have anything to do with anything." When Alex sent me a cute photo of a box of Fusilli Puttanesca he saw in the grocery store because he thought of me, I thought it was oh so cute and was thankful that I really haven't a nasty "Puttanesca!" moment in a while and maybe I'm done with those. Ah, wishful thinking. Rather, they were harbingers of what was to come.

The details of it aren't really important. Instead, just focus on the essence of it -- that blinding anger that says, "After all the fucking work I've done, why the fuck do I have to go through this again?!" Hello darkness, my old friend. In the scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal (and before you ask, I'm fine, everything is ok...), but nothing quite like a steaming shit sandwich to remind you that the job's not quite done.

Puttanesca!

At dinner with Alexander yesterday, I picked up my new favorite word from the menu -- "Puttanesca!" The beauty of the word is that it sounds like EXACTLY what it means. Pasta Puttanesca is "Pasta in the style a whore would give you." Today was one of those PUTTANESCA moments -- Not only did I have to give back the cat that I hadn't asked for (but lovingly accepted), but I got an asshole calling me out for drinking bottled water, to boot. PUTTANESCA! But you know what? I defy you, you dirty whore of a Universe. If you think you're going to manage to bring me down, if you think that somehow this is finally the time when I just give up, you're wrong. I defy you. I will be happy despite your dirty whore tricks.