BALLS!

For those of you who think that a little teabagging might be hazardous to your health, turns out you might be right. Well, at least it is if you're talking about blowfish testicles. The AP is reporting that seven people were sickened with blowfish poison when an unlicensed chef prepared the dish. It just goes to show, be very choosy about the balls you put in your mouth. Personally, I prefer balls that aren't likely to cause paralysis.

Extra Secret Sauce, Please!

Okay, there's a glut of bareback films out there with titles like, Dude, Swap my Cum, My Guy Creampie and Sperm Attack. If you hadn't guessed, these videos tend to be a little... base. What about those with a more... refined attitude toward semen?

Today you're in luck because now there's Natural Harvest - A collection of semen-based recipes. File this under, "I shit you not." With recipes like, Creamy Cum Crepes and Tuna Sashimi with Dipping Sauce, and the Almost White Russian, along with a bevy of colorful photos of the prepared dinners as well as nutritional information, Natural Harvest is perfect for those out there with a discriminating pallet. The author has also noted in the recipes when ingredients can be omitted in order to bring out the flavor of the semen.

So, when you can't decide between a bareback orgy and a Pampered Chef party, there's no need to compromise. Natural Harvest is here to help.

Getting My Shit Together

I've been quiet lately, I know. To top it off, I've been hit this week with a nice case of food poisoning, which has been OH so fun. Hopefully I'll be back on track soon.

A Pirate's Life

I've been eagerly awaiting my good Pirate friend Jon's return to Phoenix. It had been a while since I was able to visit him in Palm Springs and he hadn't been able to make it out here either. Thursday marked the first time we had gotten a chance to get together in 3 years or so.

I had thought that we might make a return to Tasty Kabob, where we had gone out last time he was in town. In fact, Jon still asks me about Tasty Kabob from time to time. Instead, being an Asian food aficionado, Jon suggested that we try out Roka Akor, a high falutin' Japanese place that happened to be right across the street from his hotel.

Roka Akor is the first US version of Roka, a Robata-style Japanese grill. The other three restaurants are in London, Macau and Hong Kong, which leaves Scottsdale in some rather heady company. I'm not the uber-trendy type, nor am I an expert on Japanese food but I definitely enjoyed the place. It was classy, yet simple, the service was excellent, and the food was top notch. I ended up enjoying some things that I didn't think I'd care for, so adding that on top of excellent company, it made for an excellent evening.

We could have stopped there, but if a fellow Pirate is in town, you'd be mad not to go lookin' fer booty. YARR! So, we made the trek across town into Phoenix intending to do a little plunderin'. There may have been strippers involved, but there's absolutely no photographic evidence of any such activities. There was, however, a nasty straight chick who thought that a bar full of gay men wanted to see her fulfill her life's ambition as a pole dancer. Oddly enough, this bar wasn't quite as classy as Roka Akor. Nonetheless, it was a nice counterpoint to the earlier Scottsdale experience. To top it off, Jon & I decided that we absolutely MUST tour Europe together... and soon.

Good food, grog, good Pirate friends, and hot man-wenches. A pirate's life, 'tis for me.

Sauce

After spending the past couple of weeks house sitting for my Aunt & Uncle and their cat, Eddie, and a busy few days of family and Easter, Alex suggested we have some social time together. We decided on heading to Sauce for dinner, though this time we went to the one in Scottsdale rather than the one off Glendale and 16th. There were a few benefits to heading into Scottsdale -- first off, it's a clear reminder that while the economy in the rest of the country may be headed into the tank, there's still plenty of conspicuous consumer spending going on. That means there's money to be had, which is a very encouraging thought.

The other biggest benefit, to be sure, has to be the menz. The first one that caught my eye was a little young... an attractive Sauce employee in his black, fitted Banana Republic button down shirt and snug khakis. While my initial impression was that he had a very high gay quotient -- the spiky hair, the chunky yet stylish shoes... though with today's youth there are times I have trouble distinguishing between gay and metro. I was going to reserve judgment but as he lightly sashayed to our table to deliver our food, it was becoming rather difficult to leave him in the metro category.

That raised another interesting question -- just how many variations of gay movement are there? A few came to mind -- to sashay, to saunter, to prance, to mintz... there are so many subtle variations. I wondered how many others might recognize. In stark contrast there was this floppy haired emo kid busing tables who looked like a young Severus Snape. His arms rarely moved as he slithered between tables and the kitchen.

Our attention quickly turned to a prime ASU beef who was grazing on a salad with a friend. As I was with Alex, I thought about letting my paparazzo instincts take over but I fumbled with the camera on my phone, nervous that the beef would realize he was being photographed, and wasn't able to get a shot.

We then made our way over to Fashion Square in search of more beeves for our viewing pleasure. Wandering aimlessly, it was if the Gods intervened to give us direction -- Collegiate Closet. It was indeed a sign - if we were in search of eye candy, there was only one place we need explore.

Cliché? Perhaps, but this particular stereotype is based in truth. As Alex and I made our way through The Temple of Homoeroticism, we spotted him -- a handsome, hunky college-aged veal clutching his dowdy girlfriend by hand, as if she were a talisman that could ward off evil. To boot, he dragged what appeared to be his mother and aunt in tow -- perhaps he hoped that their combined strength would save him. Alas, we all know that you cannot be saved from what comes from within.

Spicy

Adam invited me to try a new Thai restaurant downtown with him last night. He mentioned the owners also run another Thai restaurant in Tempe, near ASU. I didn't care for the place in Tempe, but I was pleasantly surprised at this new place.

We started out with the calamari, which was breaded and cooked to perfection and served with a sweet and sour sauce. We would have preferred something a little more spicy for the sauce, but we ended up getting our fill of spicy later.

Adam and I both have a penchant for spicy food. Usually we go for Indian food and while we always tell them to make it spicy, sometimes they see Mr. Oklahama (Adam) and they decide that we really didn't mean it. That was not the case here. The food was tasty and almost made Adam weep, it was so hot. It was one of the few occasions where I probably would have enjoyed it a little more if it hadn't been quite so spicy. But overall, I enjoyed it and am looking forward to going back.

The original plan was to finish dinner and then walk over to a small theatre where one of his co-workers was having a performance. The theatre ended up being further away than we had thought and Adam didn't want to go in late. We ended up walking around gawking at some of the new construction downtown.

Aside from some of the highrises that are going up, there are some smaller projects that are slowly changing the character of the area. Adam described one particular condo project as "The Farmhouse Building." The pointed roofs do seem a little out of place, but overall I enjoy having spaces that don't feel like a suburban condo complex. Downtown Phoenix is coming along -- with ASU moving more students downtown and more housing being available, as well as the light rail nearing completion, I get the sense that downtown will be a much more vibrant place before long.

My Little Pony

So yesterday was my birthday... thanks everyone for the comments! The highlight of my day was having dinner with Adam, Dyanna, Kacy & the Greg at Flavors of India in Phoenix. We hadn't gotten together since July, so it was a happy reunion. We tend to be a bit of a rowdy bunch when we get together -- at Dyanna's last birthday we had an older couple ask to be moved away from our table when we started talking about sex toys and a similar experience with Kacy's birthday. This evening was no different.

To make this day just a little more special, Adam & Dyanna gave me a purple unicorn we dubbed "Michael Bojangles," after Michael from Texas, who was not physically present, but with us in spirit. This sassy unicorn got his own place at the table, which did seem to puzzle our waitress, but no more so than Dyanna trying to explain that she was trying to order food without any onions... that said, our waitress seemed to be puzzled easily, as the Greg tried to order a 7 & 7, to no avail.

After dinner I headed over to Burn for their 1st year anniversary party that my friend Noah had put together. It had a superhero theme (hence the X-Men T-Shirt I was wearing) and brought in DJ Alexander from LA. I usually enjoy guest DJs and I hadn't heard Alexander before, so it was great to hear someone new. Turnout was great and a couple friends of mine had just moved back to town from San Diego and I was glad to be able to spend the evening with them.

Anyway, in the past I'd not really looked forward to my birthday and this went a long way to help me change my attitude on birthdays. Here's hoping that I have even more to celebrate next year.

Puttanesca!

At dinner with Alexander yesterday, I picked up my new favorite word from the menu -- "Puttanesca!" The beauty of the word is that it sounds like EXACTLY what it means. Pasta Puttanesca is "Pasta in the style a whore would give you." Today was one of those PUTTANESCA moments -- Not only did I have to give back the cat that I hadn't asked for (but lovingly accepted), but I got an asshole calling me out for drinking bottled water, to boot. PUTTANESCA! But you know what? I defy you, you dirty whore of a Universe. If you think you're going to manage to bring me down, if you think that somehow this is finally the time when I just give up, you're wrong. I defy you. I will be happy despite your dirty whore tricks.

Baking is Fun!

How come this never happens in my kitchen?

Thanks, QC! (NSFW!)

I Want My Baby Back...

After talking with my friend Eric, I am SERIOUSLY jonesing for some baby back ribs.

Tuesday update: I had ribs today. SO FRAKKING GOOD!

Jesus Hates Soy

For those of you haven't already gotten your reindeer dog, here's an article that may convince you to do your God given duty to consume animal flesh...

"There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture... The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place...Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products..."

Ok, as much as I wish I could say that this guy was joking or that I'm taking these quotes out of context, the scary thing is that he's serious. I am constantly in awe of how Christianists (thanks Andrew Sullivan for coining that term) can find a bogeyman in the most mundane of things. A "devil food"? Are you kidding me? Soy is "threatening to tear apart our culture"? Hey, don't blame me, I ate tofu for lunch... The moral and social decline of our world is coming about because of an uptick in edimame sales? Un-frakking-beliveable.

From BoiFromTroy.

Reindeer Dog

Having a little trouble getting into the holiday spirit? Fred Markoff's hotdog stand in Glenview, IL has the answer -- reindeer dogs. Yes, for only $8, you can have your very own Chicago-style hot dog made with reindeer meat, straight from Alaska. Don't settle for artificial holiday spirit, get yourself some Blitzen with all the fixins for that holiday spirit that feels so good inside.