Ok, I'll admit that I bitch about what's not going "right" in my life as much as anybody else. Maybe I don't say it out loud to everyone else, but I bitch. Sometimes I won't even say it to myself, but I can feel it in the pit of my stomach -- why the fuck is my life the way it is?
Currently the job search has raised its ugly head yet again. I've asked myself why the hell I'm going through this again -- I'd have thought that I'd have had my fill of it in the past 3 years or so. So, I stop and howl at the big, bad Universe, "Why, oh why am I here again? Why do you impose such horrible things upon me?" I listen for an answer, but there's no response.
I know the truth of the matter though, even if I don't like the answer -- deep down, things are the way I want them to be... at least at some level. Like with the whole job thing -- if I'm honest with myself I know that I have VERY good reasons for not wanting to go back to the kinds of jobs I've had before. Even if I had a job that I loved, I think that scares me even more -- growing up I remember viewing work as something that kept my parents away. Especially my Dad. I remember feeling like so much of the time that work came first and the family came a distant second. For myself, life as an attorney was not fun -- plenty of late nights at the office, weekends as well. Coming home late and exhausted only to go to sleep for a few hours and start the cycle all over again.
Whether its been law or counseling or anything in between, I've felt like that's just they price I'd have to pay to be working at the level I need to work at. So, I suppose its no surprise that I've found ways to avoid that happening. I'm good, I know. Now that I know that stuff is there, its a matter of learning to believe there's another way... as opposed to resigning myself to live life in the grind.
Labels: life, reflection