H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

It's official. I'm going to Hell. So sayeth The Worldnet Daily - one of those whacked out "news" sites for conservative Christians. You simply cannot support Barack Obama and be a "Good Christian:" "Obama will use your tax dollars to kill innocent children, and then he'll take your paycheck and use it to 'spread the wealth around.'"

Sound familiar? It's almost like reading the McCain campaign's talking points. It's not just coming from The Worldnet Daily -- the Catholic Church has also thrown it's hat into the ring with the logic that abortion is the sine non qua for being a "Good Christian." Never mind that there are other issues out there -- like torture and the occupation of Iraq. Never mind that the economy is in the shitter and that people are tired of sending tax money to bail out giant corporations.

None of that matters. "To those who think that God's grace gives them license to willfully disobey Him without consequences – think again... Then obey Him in the voting booth and out of it." It's so painfully clear: OBEY. You MUST obey! Do what we say or you will be punished... if you think it's bad now, wait until your father gets home. Yesiree, I'll give you something to cry about!

It's been around 2000 year since Christ, or so we're told, and despite all of his divine goodness, the church of the day is still telling the people to obey and fear, rather than to love and trust. Give me that old time religion, indeed.

I Kissed A Girl?

Fortunately, when I kissed a girl, I didn't like it. Problem solved.

(Thanks, Towleroad!)

Touched By His Noodley Appendage

Apocalypse

So it's almost 10pm on June 16, 2008. Gays began marrying at 5:01pm in California, not long after the California Supreme Court's ruling that struck down the state's ban on gay marriage. God's retribution was swift and sure, as several large meteors devastated the Golden State, wiping out most of the state's large population centers. To make sure He wasn't missing anyone, the Divine mutated most of the state's agriculture to turn the rest of the population into monstrous, flesh eating zombies. The Rev. Fred Phelps, of Westboro Baptist Church, finally having been vindicated after many long years of being called a hate-crazed lunatic, issued a statement: "I told you so. We were right about the gays, now maybe you'll believe me when I tell you that God hates shrimp."

Wait a second... I guess that didn't happen -- it was an odd amalgamation of the plots of Deep Impact and The Happening ("oh. my. god. we're. all. going. to. die. *yawn*") that came in a dream I had during a nap I took earlier. Heh. The funny thing is that the picture of Meteor Crater comes from a funky creation science website that strives to help push creationism into public schools. This is, of course, preposterous, as we all know that the Earth and all of creation was touched by the FSM's noodly appendage. When will these heathens see the Divine noodly goodness of the FSM? Fortunately, the FSM is much more merciful than some of the other false gods out there.

More On Folsom

The Catholic League has jumped in on the whole Folsom Street Fair debate, posting a variety of "extremely graphic" photos from the 2006 Fair:







Boy, San Francisco sure looks different than the last time I was there... A nyway, they're right, I find these to be shocking and offensive. The madness has to stop.

Concerned Women are Concerned!

The Concerned Women of America are downright concerned. Yet again. In particular, they take umbrage with this recent ad for this weekend's Folsom Street Fair, which is a parody of The Last Supper.

"In their version of The Last Supper, Christ, Who gave His life for our sins, is despicably replaced by sin itself as the object of worship," a CWA spokesman bemoans. What's worse, there's a black man sitting in as Jesus! Such an affront to good Christians everywhere cannot be allowed to continue. A black Jesus!

Ok, for the record, yes, I think the ad is of questionable taste. I have plenty of disagreements with organized religion, but I have to admit that this is a couple of steps beyond Kathy Griffin's "Suck it, Jesus!" speech. Personally, while I think the ad is clever, I do question the wisdom of giving the religious community more ammunition against us. We're asking for the public at large to respect us and our relationships -- we have to be willing to show some respect in return. That said, some of the guys in that ad are WAY HOT.

(via Towleroad.)

God on Trial

Ah, Nebraska. One of their State Senator has recently sued God in state court for acts of terrorism and natural disasters. He seeks to enjoin God from any further detrimental acts. Oddly enough, this isn't the first time someone has tried to sue the supernatural -- I remember reading a case where a plaintiff tried to sue the Devil - United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan And His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282, (W.D.Penn. 1971). Sadly, in this case the court never reached the merits of the claim. Last year in Italy, a man sued a priest to prove the existence of Christ. That doesn't quite have the zing of suing a deity or fallen angel.

Will You Be My Brother?

You've heard the arguments from conservatives -- "Save traditional marriage," they scream. "Its all about the children!"

Or is it? Historians have been unearthing evidence that same sex relationships have been accepted by both the Church and State in western societies in times past. “Western family structures have been much more varied than many people today seem to realize and Western legal systems have in the past made provisions for a variety of household structures,” writes Allan Tulchin, a professor at Shippensburg University.

He has uncovered legal contracts called an "affrèrement," roughly translated as brotherment. The contracts functioned like a marriage contract, sworn before a notary and witnesses and joined the property of the "brothers." While the contracts may have been used between members of the same family in some cases, his research suggests that romantic relationships also were accepted.

While Tulchin's work seems to focus on the state's acceptance of these contracts, the late John Boswell's book, Same Sex Unions in Medieval Europe, suggests that the medieval Catholic Church also recognized these "brotherment" relationships. While critics counter with the equivalent of, "they're not gay, they're just really good friends," the bigger point is that the idea that western society has always been defined by one man, one woman, a litter of kids and a dog is pure fiction. Tulchin sums it up by explaining, "I suspect that some of these relationships were sexual, while others may not have been. It is impossible to prove either way and probably also somewhat irrelevant to understanding their way of thinking. They loved each other, and the community accepted that."

Nature abounds with any number of different groupings. From hives, packs and schools to animals that couple with a partner for life. There are animals that change sexes as well as gay animals. Its time that we recognize that humans are no different.

And for the record, I'd like a big, hunky "brother" who looks hot in tight leather shorts and knows how to use his "sword," kinda like the one pictured above. (Thanks to The Daily Slab [NSFW!] for the pic!)

Who Would Jesus Execute?

I can't help it, I got a kick out of this article on MSNBC tonight -- this month Texas should execute its 400th prisoner since the Supreme Court lifted a ban on capital punishment in 1982. W and Alberto would be proud, I'm sure. The best part of the article is how the state's evangelical population encourages it:

“A lot of evangelical Protestants not only believe that capital punishment is permissible but that it is demanded by God. And they see sanction for that in the Old Testament especially,” said Matthew Wilson, a political scientist at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

Ah yes, somewhere Jesus is looking down on Texas and smiling. I can just hear him now: "Kill the bastards! All of them! Crucify them!"

Yeah, that sounds like something Jesus would say. I wonder how that would sound in Aramaic. Mel Gibson probably knows.

Where's An Ark When You Need One?

The tiki god is angry again. Last time, in a fit of liberal pique, the tiki god had caused Hurricane Katrina in order to punish America for its mistreatment of black Americans. This time, the tiki god has gone back to his old conservative ways and caused some floods in the UK in order to punish Her Majesty's subjects for their decadent ways.

Rev. Jerry Falwell... er, I mean, Rev. Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle, explained that the tiki god is angry... VERY ANGRY:

"In the Bible, institutional power is referred to as 'the beast', which sets itself up to control people and their morals. Our government has been playing the role of God in saying that people are free to act as they want."

Free will? As if. TIKI GOD MUST BE OBEYED! TIKI GOD SMASH!

Of course, it all gets back to The Gays: "The sexual orientation regulations [which give greater rights to gays] are part of a general scene of permissiveness. We are in a situation where we are liable for God's judgment, which is intended to call us to repentance."

TIKI GOD HATE DISCO DANCING AND METROSEXUALS!

Plans to appease the tiki god by throwing several virgins into the fires of the holy volcano are currently in the works.

Curses!

File this under Voodoo -- for those of you who haven't been keeping track, there's been an ongoing battle between the organizers of Jerusalem's Gay Pride festival and conservative religious groups. There have been threats of violence, actual violence, and conservative Rabbis have blamed The Gays for the bird flu as well as Israel's recent war with Lebanon.

This year, the ultra-conservative Eda Haredit sect has decided to take it to another level by placing a curse on the event organizers and those who attend. "To all those involved, sinners in spirit, and whoever helps and protects them, may they feel a curse on their souls, may it plague them and may evil pursue them; they will not be requitted of their transgressions from heavenly judgment," the rabbis' statement... uh... cursed. Of course, a member of this same sect stabbed three attendees of the 2005 parade.

Now I suppose the easy route would be to dismiss this whole thing as a bunch of whackos trying to go all Miss Cleo on The Gays. As a spiritual person, however, I'm not one to dismiss these things -- while I'm hardly expecting anvils to fall out of the sky on anyone, it is a very bad thing to wish ill on anyone. Most religious traditions recognize this -- in witchcraft its called the "Rule of Three," in Christianity the principle is that "you reap what you sow." Regardless of how its described, the reality is that what you put out always comes back to you.

I'm truly sorry that anyone would want to create evil in this world or would wish ill to anyone and I can only hope that all sides are able to put their differences aside and allow everyone to live their lives in peace.

(via Towleroad.)

Those Sluts!

A recent study from the Zoological Society of London finds that female cheetahs in the Serengeti have been sleeping around... a lot. Apparently, nearly half their litters have are made up with cubs with different fathers. Some scientists decry the risks of the cheetahs' immoral behavior, such as increased exposure to disease, increased dependence on welfare and social services and an overall breakdown in the cheetah moral fabric and order.

What disturbs me even more is that with Jerry Falwell no longer around, we've heard not one peep from any religious organization condemning this immoral behavior. Everyone knows that God's plan for cheetahs is built upon cheetah marriage between one male and one female... and with the male still sleeping around. But the point is that if South Africa hadn't allowed gays to marry, this probably wouldn't be happening. Where is James Dobson? Why hasn't he sounded the alarm on this important problem? Aren't cheetah families important too?

Another Sign Religion is Dead

This is Pride season in the land of the Gays and with the return of Pride returns the annual murmurs that Pride has devolved into just another excuse to sell alcohol and other varied products. Whether you agree that Pride is still necessary or should be cast to the Gay dumpster, let's take a look on the other side of the spectrum, shall we?

Introducing Virtue, the first "Christian" perfume. I know it sounds like something from The Onion, but this one is real. From Virtue's website: "In practically all religions and Spiritual practices, persons of high Spiritual attainment are known to give off a fragrance, attributed to their Virtue. Christ, many of the Saints, and numerous others with highly developed spirituality, are, historically, known to have given off such a fragrance."

Classic! "Buy this perfume and you too can be holy!" That ranks right up with, "Buy this beer and these large-breasted identical twins will want to sleep with you!" I don't mean to suggest that all religious people are somehow insincere. That said, I can just picture Jesus buying a bottle of "Virtue" perfume for Mary Magdalene. Or was that what she used when she dried Jesus's feet with her hair? Maybe the Three Magi brought a bottle to the Virgin Mary at the birth of Jesus.

The gold cross isn't enough... nor is the "Real Men Love Jesus" bumpersticker on the back of the SUV... really, even though my kids are all decked out in T-Shirts with biblical quotes and we can do all our shopping at the megamall church we attend and listen to religious gansta rappers for Jesus, I really must wear Virtue perfume as a sign of my faith. Yes, once I have Virtue perfume, I will be holy.

So, let's just say that commercialism is commercialism, whether its aimed at the gay community or anywhere else...

(via The Daily Dish)

Welcome Phoenix's Newest Gay Resident

Phoenix may not have a "gayborhood" like Philly's newly designated district, but we're a magnet for the gays nonetheless. Case in point, Ted Haggard, formerly of Colorado Springs, has recently made the move to the city. You may or may not remember but there was a little bit of a buzz about some meth and a gay escort. Sounds like he'll be hanging out over at Crusing on 7th, if that's his crowd. Then again, if he's coming from Colorado Springs, I suspect he'll be more inclined toward Charlie's.

Turn Back The Clock

Okay, okay, I know I've said that I'm going to reduce my bitching on this blog but I was raised Catholic so I can't help but marvel at the Pope's recent statements. Its been clear for a while that that the Catholic Church's prime effort is to try to turn back the hands of time.

Pope Benedict recently released the Apostolic Exhortation, which, among other things, attempts to exert Church control over Catholic politicians, especially on "moral" issues such as abortion and gay marriage (but perhaps not on war and the death penalty?) -- it reads in part, "Catholic politicians and legislators, conscious of their grave responsibility before society, must feel particularly bound, on the basis of a properly formed conscience, to introduce laws inspired by values grounded in human nature..."

Yes, Benedict isn't even trying to hide it anymore, he's expecting strict obedience from politicians and even the laity on the very issues where a person's conscience is most likely to cause him to disagree with the Vatican -- case in point, a lesbian couple in Wyoming was just informed that they are no longer permitted to receive communion... now here's the kicker -- its not because they're lesbians. No, they've been denied communion because they publicly opposed a bill that would deny Wyoming from recognizing gay marriages. Yes, dare to oppose the Vatican and be punished.

But wait, there's more! Along with the staples of any papal missive, railing against divorce and gay marriage and referring to priestly celibacy as "a priceless treasure," Benedict is championing the return of Latin and Gregorian Chant. Turn back the clock, indeed. Holy 1400s!

Such a Baldwin!

I swung by the library today and while picking up a couple of books from the recent additions, I noticed a notable face staring back at me... Stephen Baldwin. I thought to myself, "now there's someone who's career has really gone into the shitter. I wonder what he's been up to?" The answer? He's been finding Jesus. His new book talks about "the New Hardcore Movement of Faith." I stifled a laugh, being that I was in the library, and all. Now let me say one thing -- my impression is that celebrities generally live pretty fucked up lives and do all sorts of crazy things. On one hand, I give SB some credit for taking a look at his life and wanting to do something different. That said, I can't help but chuckle as he decides to take the role of rebel and martyr in his family by joining the born-again, evangelist preaching to the skateboard & BMX set. MUST. AVOID. THINKING. HE'S. JUST. ANOTHER. KIRK-CAMERON-EQUE. CLICHE.

Orgazmo!

I know this isn't a new movie or anything... but this is some funny shit. I also think it'd be hot to see Trey Parker and Matt Stone go at it.

Could it be... Satan?!

If you hadn't already heard, the Mayor of Moscow, Yury Luzhkov, recently described last year's gay pride parade, which was banned, as "Satanic." Well isn't that special? "Last year, Moscow came under unprecedented pressure to sanction the gay parade, which can be described in no other way than as Satanic." Fortunately, Moscow can thanks Luzhkov for thinking of "the children." "Some European nations bless single-sex marriages and introduce sexual guides in schools. Such things are a deadly moral poison for children.”

Apparently, the Prince of Darkness has been busy. In addition to trying to round up Russian drag queens for the parade floats, Satan was busy outing Ted Haggard and writing the next Harry Potter book.

The confusing thing is that apparently George Bush is the devil. This leads to an interesting question... where does Bush find the time to do all these things and still make it down to the ranch in Crawford? Seriously, though, I'm hardly a fan of W and I think watching circuit boys and drag queens riding floats through the heart of Moscow would be spectacular. That said, it illustrates an important point -- so many voices have been trying to polarize the world into good versus evil... the world rarely fits into neat little categories like black and white, right and wrong, top and bottom. I'd like to think the world, in general, is better described as "versatile."

Jesus Cruise?

Ok, I'm still trying to get used to the reality that Tom & Katie actually had their alien baby. Apparently, though, theirs is a magical child because Tom is now considered to be the Scientologists' Messiah. The Sun is reporting that Cruise has been told by Scientology leaders that in the future he will be worshiped as a Christ figure -- “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

I suppose I could comment further, but I'm at a loss for words.

Pornaments

I know there have been some (Jake) who are struggling to get into the holiday spirit. Once again, I'm here to help. If the Reindeer Dogs didn't give you some jingle, there's still hope. Nothing says "Christmas" to me like Christmas ornaments of reindeer and snowmen in a variety of sexual positions. Apparently, Spencer Gifts agrees and had been selling a variety of sexually themed ornaments on its website and in its stores.

Of course, I (and Spencer Gifts) can't be trusted to make our own decisions on such an important issue as what we will put on our own Christmas Trees. Thank heavens for people like Hillcrest Baptist Church (Florida) Pastor Jim Patterson, who can save me from myself. He opines, "It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or physical beings and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level. It makes no sense to me." Well, if Pastor Jim doesn't understand it, then we sure as hell don't need it, right?

To the extent their argument is that kids could walk into the store and see this and other material that isn't appropriate for them, I can understand parents/community leaders wanting the store to prevent that. Granted, some of the people involved have focused on that aspect. I don't have an issue with them.

What DOES bother me is the segment determined to treat all of us like children -- Pastor Jim sums up this element -- "It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas... It's quite a leap we've made in 30 years of culture rot from mistletoe to Spencer's naked, tumescent elves and 'S&M Santa' tied up for a whipping." Listen, if someone wants to celebrate Christmas with a leather harness and a ball gag, the more power to them. Much like efforts to "protect traditional marriage," we're forcing living, breathing people to give up their freedoms to somehow "protect" abstract notions. In reality, these efforts are just efforts by cultural leaders to reinforce their attempts to run others' lives. I respect their right to live their lives in a manner they find to be moral and upright. I just wish they'd show others the same respect.