Cock Just Tastes Good!

I've been feeling a little bit down, so leave it to Aunt Barbara to have something a little special to make me feel better.

Marc's Midweek 'Land of Duh' Beef Haiku

Big and dumb are fun
on occasion. The truth is...
I like beef with brains.

Rebuild

I went over to watch a movie with Alex yesterday evening after a sleepless night and long day of reflection. He had read yesterday's blog entry and invited me over, although I think both of us were surprised that I accepted his invitation. Its not every day that you're confronted with the realization that your dreams have turned to dust yet again.

I woke up this morning with the nagging sense of things come apart. I'd love to feel angry or sad or have some sort of intensity and yet all I have is this vague sense of disappointment. As the day progressed, I could feel myself sinking, as if I was trying to push myself into that anger or sadness that weren't there on their own. I know how to deal with them, but this lingering doubt? Not so sure how to work my way out of that.

Finally, I decided that I had a choice to make -- I could sit around and wallow or I could start the work of dreaming of even bigger things. I'm reminded of the story of Father Sorin, the priest who founded the University of Notre Dame -- Sorin had spent his life building the University from nothing and at age 65, a fire had demolished the entire campus, save the church. They feared notifying Sorin, who was in Montreal at the time, for fear that the news might be too much for him to bear. When he returned, he gathered the community into the church and told them:

"The fire has been my fault. I came here with the vision of a great university and named it after the mother of Jesus. Then we built a large university, or so I thought. But she had to burn it to the ground to show me that my vision was too narrow and that I had dreamed too small a dream... Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

And so, while I stand before a much lesser defeat in my life, I am nonetheless faced with the same choice. The truth is that the worst is already over. Good things are already coming into form. I need only finish clearing the last of the rubble away so that something even more grand can come into being. And in those moments of darkness, disappointment and doubt, I need only remind myself of those words: "I had dreamed too small a dream. Even if it were all destroyed again, I shall never give up."

Such Is Life

"Such is life... feel it.
Beautiful life... I see it.
I'm making changes now,
open up the door and I will be here...
I am here.

Seems like I've been waiting,
held in time, I'm aching.
I'm seeing clearly now,
wipe away the tears
and I will be free...
I am free.

I feel... feel the beauty inside...
I see... worlds are turning outside...
I hear... hear you calling my name...
I'm free..."

Just seemed like an appropriate song for the moment.

Eyes Wide Open

I've been watching it all around me -- all the stuff that hasn't been working being cleared away... the truth is finally coming to the surface. In the world at large or in politics -- where as bad as things can be and sometimes it looks like a nasty wound oozing pus -- I still feel like things are moving in the right direction. I've seen it with my friends -- some long relationships that were no longer working have come apart and people are moving in new directions or job situations have changed.

In my own life, I've seen it in my career as a DJ, with my residency coming to an end, in my work situation, with projects ending and opportunities that were never really right for me that haven't panned out. On the relationship front, its finally accepting that things with the guy I've been wanting for the past year and a half are just not going to happen.

A lot of the changes haven't been fun -- whether for me or for others. At times its felt like the world was coming apart. Some of the things I've really fought because I kept hoping they'd turn in a different direction. I've tried it with work, I've tried keeping friendships going that just weren't working, I've tried wishing and hoping that things with the guy would turn around. In the end, though, life has a will of its own. You can fight it if you want, but you'll always lose.

I guess the craziest part of it all is that I've fought so hard to keep things that weren't working. Even though I can look back at my life and understand that the things in my life that I've most feared and tried to hold back ended up being things I needed most and that those things have always turned out to my benefit, it hasn't stopped me from picking new battles. I guess that's just human nature.

There are so many things about which I could stand back and say, "If I could just tweak this or move these couple of things around, everything would be so much better." I've done my share of that, I know. Life doesn't work that way, though. Things are what they are -- you can try to force them and bitch that things don't fit or you can allow them to fit together they way they want to fit together. I've spent so much trying to force things and wondering why the hell life didn't flow anymore. That said, I guess you can only stumble so many times over the same stone before you finally decide to go around that fucker. I'd like to think that I'm finally ready for that.

I know that if I were standing back and reading this that I'd find it a little bitter, perhaps. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel that way on this end. Rather, I've already started to see a few things finally start to come together. I'd like to think that they're just hints of the new beginnings that are almost here. I've told myself for a long time that I've wanted finally to spread my wings and fly. At the same time, I've needed to open my eyes to see the last few things that have been weighing me down. I picture myself lying on the ground, clutching onto them, holding on for dear life, afraid of falling. I can't help but laugh because you never fall up.

Maybe I can take a moment to linger on the thought of things that might have been... though I've been living with those regrets for too long. They've been little comfort -- like a scratchy blanket that's too small in a hot room. Strange that I'd spend so long trying to stretch it and fit underneath and all the while bitch about how hot it was. I guess 33 years is long enough, right?

Open Your Eyes

Just a song I've had rattling around my head for the past week or two.

Even More Mansploitation

Its Saturday, its 110º outside and I don't really feel like doing anything. Mansploitation to the rescue!

Dalton In Trouble Again...

For those of you who have a prison fetish, Mark Dalton is the guy for you. I've written about Dalton's previous problems with the law... from what I've read, he's already had domestic violence issues as well as a drug arrest. One would hope that he had learned his lesson, but apparently not. According to Jason Curious (NSFW!), Dalton was arrested on May 31st for another domestic violence altercation, which also violated his parole. Its unclear whether any charges will be filed, but currently Dalton is still a guest of Denton County. I don't know whether its the 'roids or just heterosexual stupidity, but let's hope he manages to get his life turned around.

Maybe its just poor lighting, but the man is what, 26 or 27 and looks much older. Sad.


Mugshot courtesy of GayPornBlog. (NSFW)

via Towleroad.

Sanctity of Marriage

Sometimes you just get a sense of why the right is so worked up about marriage... its special place in society... its sacred character. Nothing demonstrates that quite like a 40 year old track coach marrying his 16 year old student. Ah, North Carolina.

We musn't let the gays injure this sacred institution.

Whatchu Talkin' About, Willis?

Marc's Midweek Summer Beef Haiku - Friday Edition

Australian beeves
basking in the summer sun...
show me down under!

(Please ignore the fact that is currently winter in Australia.)

Incarcerex

More Brady

I highly recommend that you check out this video of former Irish star, Brady Quinn. You won't be disappointed. I'll see if there's any way to embed it and post it later...

Voices

Every once in a while you run across a bit of news that makes you stop and smile... not that this world isn't as mixed up as ever, but for a moment you can feel like everything is moving in the right direction. Students at Wilton High School in Wilton, CT had written a play, entitled Voices in Conflict, about the Iraq war featuring first-person accounts of soldiers serving there. Predictably, the play had upset some members of the community and school officials banned them from performing it, despite the students' attempts to revise the script to address the presented concerns. Nonetheless, the students were able to perform at an off-Broadway theatre in New York City, before a standing room only audience.

My point isn't to rant about the war -- regardless of my personal views, I understand that reasonable people can come to a variety of conclusions on the subject. I can also understand why families with brothers, sisters, sons and daughters serving in Iraq would have a tough time swallowing this. At the same time, I'm encouraged that a group of young people who were trying to give a voice to those they felt weren't being heard were able to find a voice of their own... despite the attempts to squelch them. Instead of merely accepting what other people told them to think about a controversial subject -- whether those voices were in support or against, they went out, explored the issue and formed their own opinions... and that is a very encouraging thing.

After Barbary Lane

Yesterday was the official release of Michael Tolliver Lives, by Armistead Maupin. For those of you who need a little refresher, Michael Tolliver, affectionately known as "Mouse," is one of the main characters in Maupin's Tales of the City line of novels, which were groundbreaking on their own and, on a personal level, were my introduction and sense of connection to a larger gay culture that predated me. The latest book takes place roughly 20 years since Sure Of You, the last of the Tales of the City line.

Maupin has insisted that this book isn't the 7th Tales of the City novel and after having read it, I'm inclined to agree with him. While Mouse emerged as my favorite character of the myriad of personalities involved, I feel like the hallmark of the original series was that it inter-weaved the lived of so many different people and bizarre events as well as the spirit of San Francisco itself. MTL, rather, focuses squarely on Michael and while it brings you up to date with most of the main characters from the original story, there is a sense of bringing things to conclusion, rather than the adventures that had marked its predecessors.

Of course, this is by design -- specifically, it is the aftermath of Michael's unexpected survival of the AIDS crisis -- but more generally, it takes on the taboo of age in a gay culture that tends to ignore anyone over the age of 35. Personally, I take great encouragement from any positive examples that life does continue for gay men. At the same time, its hard to shake a bit of melancholy for times gone by -- yet Maupin's gift is to share the realization that while life changes, there are new reasons to embrace every moment of it.

Marc's Midweek Giant Beef Haiku

Beef has many forms.
Sometimes, bigger is better...
Please, supersize me!

Curses!

File this under Voodoo -- for those of you who haven't been keeping track, there's been an ongoing battle between the organizers of Jerusalem's Gay Pride festival and conservative religious groups. There have been threats of violence, actual violence, and conservative Rabbis have blamed The Gays for the bird flu as well as Israel's recent war with Lebanon.

This year, the ultra-conservative Eda Haredit sect has decided to take it to another level by placing a curse on the event organizers and those who attend. "To all those involved, sinners in spirit, and whoever helps and protects them, may they feel a curse on their souls, may it plague them and may evil pursue them; they will not be requitted of their transgressions from heavenly judgment," the rabbis' statement... uh... cursed. Of course, a member of this same sect stabbed three attendees of the 2005 parade.

Now I suppose the easy route would be to dismiss this whole thing as a bunch of whackos trying to go all Miss Cleo on The Gays. As a spiritual person, however, I'm not one to dismiss these things -- while I'm hardly expecting anvils to fall out of the sky on anyone, it is a very bad thing to wish ill on anyone. Most religious traditions recognize this -- in witchcraft its called the "Rule of Three," in Christianity the principle is that "you reap what you sow." Regardless of how its described, the reality is that what you put out always comes back to you.

I'm truly sorry that anyone would want to create evil in this world or would wish ill to anyone and I can only hope that all sides are able to put their differences aside and allow everyone to live their lives in peace.

(via Towleroad.)

Witchi Tai To

I recently got a mix of this track by X-Press 2 that I've really been digging these past couple of weeks. I was rather pleased to find that they have a video for it and EVERYTHING... although the mix I have has more of an indie rock feel, which I really love. Of course, being a British DJ group we don't hear much about them, but I really loved their last release, Give It. Here's three cheers for intelligent house music.

And by the way, just a little personal milestone here at echeblog -- this is post number 700. Who'd have figured?

Soundtrack Of Love

I guess I've always felt like my life has a soundtrack... I guess that's one of the reasons I ended up becoming a DJ. Seems like a certain song can really encapsulate a part of your life. Anyway, for some reason I was listening to a few songs that reminded me of love and relationships and I thought it was fascinating to see how my life, thoughts and feelings about love have evolved over time. Its like a journal, only fun to listen to. I'm not going to name names or anything, but I decided I'd clue you all in.

Phase 1: Crazy

I had just come out, I had never really been in a relationship -- I had been warned that it would really be a good idea to wait before I tried dating anyone... Of course, I ignored them and jumped right in. Not good. Long story short, I had no idea about how relationships worked and what exactly to expect. I believe my dear Patsy Cline sang it best, "I'm crazy for tryin' and I'm crazy for cryin', and I'm crazy for loving you..."

Crazy indeed. I guess "insanity" would be more accurate. I had some hard lessons to learn in those early days -- I suppose the biggest gift I received from those first couple of exes was the lesson that things are not always as they appear and that not everyone has the best intentions... oh yeah, and a nice case of crabs.

Phase 2: One Fine Day

It was maybe a year after those first fledgling relationships. I suppose I tell everyone that he was a friend that I fell for. We became friends but the truth is that from the moment I met him I felt like there was something there. Moulin Rouge had just come out at the time and I suppose that's the best way to describe the nature of our relationship. He was my "sparkling diamond" and I played the part of the penniless writer/DJ... of course, there was a lot of illusion going on -- most of the time it was a situation where there was something going on... and there wasn't... but there really was. Its too hard to explain quickly, but I think Natalie Merchant explains the real situation pretty well. At the end of the day I spent a long time waiting for "one fine day." Of course, the strange thing is that the truth finally came out... but it was too late. Bah, Moulin Rouge didn't have a happy ending either.

Current Phase: Down Together

Fast forward to today. Yes, there's currently someone I have my sights set on, but at the moment, there's not much to discuss. Instead, the song I have in mind has less to do with this particular person as it describes the relationship I'd like to have... leave it to a Tempe band: The Refreshments to come up with it... its not even really a love song, either, but I suppose it kind of is a reflection of me - kinda quirky, but in my better moments, playful and fun, and I guess that's what love means to me these days. "What's good for you is good for me and what's bad for you is bad for me. Well, cars break down and people break down and other things break down too, so lets go down together..."

Chris Evans is Flaming Hot!

I am eagerly awaiting the release of The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer next Friday. Now let's be honest here -- I was never a fan of the Fantastic Four comics, I didn't get too much into the Silver Surfer, either, and hey, the first Fantastic Four movie wasn't all that great. That said, there is one compelling reason to go see this movie -- a shirtless Chris Evans. Yup, that's worth the price of admission.

Marc's Midweek Houseboy Veal Haiku

School's out for summer!
Need to make some extra cash...
Yes, I do windows.

Stand By Your Man

Hell no, he's not near cute enough for me to clean up after him. That said, how much do I love the British and Guinness?
(Via Towleroad.)